They are both your mom. Neither needs a qualifier. It's not a contest.
I realize every situation is different. That said, I was adopted myself. My wife
and I have adopted two children, and I've met my birth mother. So I have a
pretty good understanding of the psychology, feelings, and emotions which
accompany adoption. Due to my adoption experience, I feel like my perspective is
unique when it comes to this subject. For me, meeting my birth
mother well into adulthood (in my forties), was very much the right thing as far
as timing goes. Growing up, there was no question in my mind I ended up in the
right family. In fact, my feelings went so far as to shutter at the thought of
my not being placed for adoption. I had a hunch that my life would have been
drastictally different had I not been adopted. These feelings where confirmed
upon meeting my birth mother, and learning about her life. Upon meeting her 5
yrs ago, on of the first thing I said was: "thank you for allowing me to
have my life". Since then, she's enriched my life. However,
there's no question my mom is my mom. Having her involved in my life would
have complicated things.
As an adult adoptee and a convert to the LDS Church I am grateful to see an
article which recognizes the old practice of keeping adoptees from their
original family is detrimental to the adoptee. For 80 or so years the
socialists among us has assured us that a newborn could be transplanted from one
family to another without any repercussions for the adoptee, adoptive parents,
or the birth parents. The social sciences are finally beginning to understand
that infants are not a product to be moved from one family to another. These
ideas are rooted in socialism which declares we are products of our environment
and that heredity plays no part in personality development. I have worked in my
state to get the "Sealed Records Laws" reformed. So far, we have made
little progress, but I expect we will see the day before I die when adult
adoptees will have access to all their records just as non-adoptees do. The old
arguments against opening records have proven to be untrue. Thanks your for
running this article.
FINALLY more information on something our family has shared with our sons
birthparents for nearly 13 years. It's rewarding and gratifying and a gift
that we are all so pleased to be able to offer our growing boy. One
valuable critique for the author however, "They searched and were eventually
able to find Stacy's birth father. After an initial meeting without Stacy,
and some visits with the therapist, Stacy met her father. He was, since then, a
natural part of their lives. Stacy would see her father at her home several
times a year — on birthdays, holidays or special occasions — and
keep in contact over the phone." Stacy's 'father' is
her 'birth father' a distinction very important when referring to
adoption and the roles that those of us in the triad posses. Not using that
distinction literally makes my skin crawl!
A very good point - thank you for making it. I suppose the interpretation of
what the heart is big enough for is hardly limited, if even quantifiable. And if
they were, the father would be (and is) every bit as important and necessary.
Article fine but don't like the title. Heart big enough for 3. Dad...