C. Jane, my sympathies on your short first marriage and congratulations on
having found happiness and joy with your second. But just for the
record, you were able to "try, try again" after the "humiliation
and despair of a failed marriage" that ended because "we really
weren't so good for each other" in large part because of those feminists
you are so eager to distance yourself from and the "equality" they
espouse. Fair and equitable divorce laws are just one thing that
"equality" has done for you.
Stop with the "judging" factor. Please. That's why there are
newspaper articles -- to judge! To form an opinion! And PLEASE -- no more 'gays
should be able to marry too.' Like, who cares?? Even the gay people I know
don't want to bother with it.
I think everyone's situation is unique. It's rather difficult to accurately
judge the life you have not lived. We don't know all the details of the author's
divorce, nor do we need to. What I got from this article was the courage someone
had to follow personal spiritual guidance. Is the option of "divorce"
advocated,sold to, or promoted in this article? That's not the impression I
personally got. I did feel that the author learned life lessons and attempted to
share them. The one thing that I didn't quite get was the need for a tie in with
the Kardashian divorce. It is big news in the media, but in my opinion, it
shouldn't be. I personally wouldn't have used that as a supporting pillar in an
article meant to be taken seriously. That's my only complaint. The Kardashians,
something tells me, are doomed to make the same Ill fated "choice" in
Dearest CJane- You are so brave to share this since obviously people feel
inclined to let you know that they think you were wrong. With your tender heart,
I hope you are not spending too much time worrying over what they have said.
I also hope that anyone condemning you would step back and wonder
what it would be like if their past mistakes were public? Would they hope we
would view them as who they had become rather than who they were when those
mistakes were made? I think in our LDS community we spend a lot of
time saying, "Well, they don't know better, they're not LDS." But then
we go on to judge each other without reservations because we "should know
better". Many times we only know better because we've learned
from our mistakes. And we are allowed mistakes thanks to the atonement and a
loving Heavenly Father who sent us here to do exactly what you have done: learn.
40 years for us, and we're sure and steady. We met as friends and THEN
fell in love (and we still are).A great daughter, a great son-in-law and
two grand dogs.Like ClarkKent, we're not LDS. We're not even
believers. But we do have a strong moral foundation that we've built upon.
Mistakes are called life and life happens. If you never made a mistake you never
had a life and need to go get one. At least wipe with the wrong hand now and
then.Most Religions say that in the End there is Gods Judgement and
Gods Grace, (forgiveness after all that we can do). Nothing about mans judgement
or mans lack of Grace. Just God and his Joy and his Glory.I am sure
God is very pleased with the Writers kids and hubby and family. Note that during
her rough period she did have family suppoort. Always leave the door open for
your son or daughter to come home. I know you are going to fight the next day
but not in front of the the Grandkids and not till after Toast and Jelly and not
till after prayer. If you Pray First most times you don't fight you discuss. If you don't want to do what you know you have to do for your kid then
do it for your Grandkids. Bloodline First. God may either extend your years or
give you Joy In Your Journey or both.Cup Full Taped Down Overflowing
I did not think i was going to get away with the last one but thought I would
try anyway. There can be as many reasons for a Short Marriage as
there are Short marriages. Everyone is different. Perhaps in the case of some it
is best to end things sooner then later.Abuse should head the list
and only be allowed once. 7 reported over years tends to be the average.I am sure that there are couples getting married today, who will find
out later today that things may not be what they are cracked up to be.You face a lot more problems if you can't feed and support yourselfs after you
get married. Actions, interactions and restrictions being what they are. You can
neither Screm in Anger nor Delight. A good O cought in its silent scream is not
much fun.Marriage is a lot of hard work but there is Joy in the
Journey. If you find out you do not want to do the hard work early perhaps out
is best.Our Job is not to Judge. It takes being Brave to say you
where wrong.More Brave to try again.
That is a good concept: Judge not that ye be not judged, for with what judgment
ye judge, ye shall be judged...As regards marriage, I am perfectly
willing to be judged by the same judgment by which I judge others.
Jane, I applaud you for your courage to write this article! It is not an easy
thing to open yourself up to public scrutiny. Many seem to think they have all
the answers, but none of us do. Even prophets have said, "I do not know the
meaning of all things" (1 Nephi 11:17.)I knew my wife for only
two months when we got married. I am grateful to be married to my best friend
for almost 30-years! Our marriage nearly ended, but she saw how much I loved her
and wanted to change. My wife also decided to change. It took years of
individual and joint therapy, and God's help to save our marriage.We
don't know why your marriage ended, and that is your business. One thing I do
know is it takes two to make a marriage work. If one spouse refuses to work on
the relationship then there is nothing you can do to force them to change. We
can only have power to change ourselves.Bottom line: I think what
your article is saying is, "be careful how you judge others," and
maybe "judge as you would like to be judged."
Aspen1713 is criticizing and judging everyone for criticizing and judging.You gotta' love the irony (and hypocrisy) of that one. I guess that
tells us who is NOT "exemplary"?I have been happily
married for almost 30 years. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I consider my
life to be exemplary.Deal with it.
The comment of dont Judge is a scapegoat for those who cannot adequately argue
their position or what to justify a morally wrong position. Again, Elder Oaks
explained the difference between righteous judgment and unrighteous judgment in
his talk Judge Not and Judging. To say that a principal that a person is
teaching is wrong is righteous judgment. In the Mormon faith marriage is one of
the most sacred ordinances there is. Divorce should almost never be an option,
and should only be used in the most extreme situations. Most divorces are
brought about because two people choose to not put forth the effort. You dont
just stop loving someone or not get along with someone. Love is a verb. You
choose to stop loving someone.
C. Jane! I just want you to know that I think you are awesome, wonderful,
beautiful, relatable, refreshing, and inspiring. Your posts are always so
thought provoking and honest. THANK YOU!! Thank you for always being true to
yourself despite what others think. I think the ignoramuses should leave the
judging to God and His leaders.
Some of you should worry less about the divorce rate and more about the fact
that you apparently can't feel anything but judgment for someone else. What
happened to empathy, compassion, the humility to understand that you don't know
everything that goes on in someone else's life? All apparently less important
virtues than condemning strangers.I don't know CJane Kendrick (or
Kim Kardashian for that matter), but I do know a few people in this boat and I
am glad they respected THEMSELVES more than an institution. No one should feel
obligated to tell strangers the private details of their marriage so they won't
be judged for their decision to divorce. And PS, no one gets divorced because
it's such a fun thing to go through.She published it as a plea to
lay off those who have made this mistake, to stop taking glee in others'
misfortunes. Schadenfreude much? Until you've led an exemplary life, maybe
keep your thoughts on who you do and don't respect to yourself. And something
tells me the truly exemplary among us won't bother to be such jerks.
If she didn't want us to evaluate her relationship, she should not have
She made her short marriage everybody's business by publishing it for thousands
of people to read!If she didn't want to be judged, she should not
have made it public.I lose respect for people who do not respect
marriage to such an extent that they don't take it seriously in the first place,
marry quickly and too young, then give up on it in such a short time.
To all the people condemning divorce as being anti-LDS ... do you think it is
possible to have a "celestial" marriage between two people who don't
like each other? Who don't respect each other? Who regret having married each
other? Who struggle to tolerate each other? Who flat-out are not right for each
other? And even if those people did manage to "endure to the end," do
you think a loving Heavenly Father would keep them together for eternity?The author is currently married with 2 kids and another on the way. Who
are you to say she made the wrong decision when she realized she had made a
mistake in her first marriage and sought a divorce?People make
mistakes, including getting into bad marriages. They shouldn't be forced to live
with them instead of ending them just because someone else thinks it's the
"right" thing to do. Everyone - worry about your own
relationships. Leave other peoples' alone.
@1aggie - It seems that statistics show that marriages following "living
together" are more likely to end in divorce than those who do not do so.
That certainly is not the answer.It's interesting that so many can
sit here and judge another person's life choices! Yes, some comments may be
hurtful to cjane, but more likely than not, the one making the comments is the
one who suffers the most, because their judgments will be condemned and they
will end up being judged as harshly as they choose to judge others. The
commandment to not judge others seems to have had the judger in mind more than
the judgee, no?Cjane, thank you for being candid. No one gets
through this life without "learning experiences" that are most often
referred to as mistakes. Sheesh! Didn't we come here to learn? How else would we
do it without some trial and error? I'm glad you're not perfect. Now THAT would
be hard to take!
It seems like these short marriages could be avoided if people would just live
together before getting married.
I feel bad that people are juding Jane harshly. Why she ended her first
marriage isn't anyone's business. I'm sure they had their very valid reasons
for ending it. I'm just glad she's happy now.I also feel bad for Kim
K. I've watched her reality show and always thought he was a stupid
neanderthal. He seems very selfish and immature and controlling. I'm glad she
got out before any kids came along.
Seems to me that some of these readers are suffering from a false sense of
arrogance- so much so that they feel they can comment and judge someone elses
marriage. The author was simply relating her experience. You can choose to read
it or not. Approve or not. Agree or not. But at what point does it become ok to
degrade, belittle and rudely comment on someone elses life? Seriously people-
get over yourselves. You're just being mean. Kind of sad your mamas didn't teach
you better manners. As for Cjane- you have to do what feels right in
your heart and act with conviction and faith, and that's all you can do. This
life is your test, your lesson and in the end you alone will answer for your
choices. We were taught that clear back in sunbeams. Free agency was one of
greatest gifts ever given...how else would we learn life's lessons and mature
our spirits!? How else would we be able to rectify our mistakes and be given
second chances? It's the way His plan was meant to work.
Y-Ask-Y? Here's a question for you--I wonder how *you* would fare if you
ever had the task of wrapping up a difficult time in your life in the packaging
of an essay? I bet it might be harder than you'd think to get it right--because
it's your story, your very own...full of things you'd want to share but some
you'd hold too dear to let out. You'd probably want people to know that,
too--that there was more to the story than they could read there on the page (or
in our case, screen). You'd want them to take a spiritual breath before
condescending, or judging, or thinking they knew even the slightest bit about
your experience...let alone enough to put right there on the forever-net that
they now thought less of you.xoxo,Your State of Grace
I must confess, I did not have a very high opinion of Kim Kardashian because of
this short marriage thing. It seems she either rushed into it, or got married
for the wrong reasons, or was just plain wishy washy and uncommitted.But after eading this article, I have had a change of heart.Now I
must confess I do not have as high an opinion of C. Jane Kendrick, too.
Every relationship needs acceptance, affection, and appreciation to sustain it
and help it flourish. When both parties have common interests, it helps
strengthen the bonds within that relationship, but it doesn't create a deep and
lasting relationship. Common characteristics that kill any relationship are
critcism, contention, and the most subtle and destructive of them all, control.
It's odd, but we marry someone for who they are, and once we tie the knot, we
want to change them. One's identity, personal freedom and space should not be
lost when marital vows are started. Finally, the foundation of every true and
lasting friendship is a belief in another, and the ability to trust him/her.
I was just coming on board with Awe when his Short marriage happened needless to
say it was a huge mess.It would be another 20 years before he would
finally come in out of the cold. The trouble is when we date we are
always on our best behavior and do nothing that could spoil the the relationship
to include fart loudly. Dating proves nothing and reveals little.
Neither does shacking up. Often the person does not know themselfs let alone the
other person. The entire world of Marriage vs being Single is vastly different.
To the person who wanted the couple to wait till the girlfriend had
served her Mission my Question is while containing extreme outrage is How long
do you expect young people to wait before starting life? Gordon B. and Marge
where 27 but they are the exception. I joined in 88 and hve served 2
Stake Missions, 1 Safford Az. and 1 Las Vegas. I am now a Ward Missionary.
Spencer K. Ment to Serve a Mission 24/7/365 Where and as you are. Not to hold
yourself for extreme periods of time. That is so out of context.
My husband and I knew each other a month and a half when we got married. We
have a VERY successfull Temple marriage. Would I advise someone to do the same.
NO! Ours was the once-in-a-million time that it worked with such a short time.
But, what really matters is that it is the right person--not the length of
courtship. I have known a couple that knew each other for an
"appropriate" length of time and even attended marriage counseling
before tieing the knot. That marriage lasted nine months. The wrong choice is
wrong no matter how long the courtship is. These people were shallow and
dysfunctional. What matters is that you pick someone who is mature, stable, has
character and is spiritually strong.......and with whom you have A LOT in
common.Choose well! That's the key to success.
The government should not be involved in marriage. It is a personal commitment
that counts and not a piece of paper filed at the courthouse that matters.The entire concept of marriage is based on a religious ideology and has no
business being controlled by the government. Why do we get tax deductions
because of marital status, what does that have to do with running a
government?Gay, straight, or otherwise, has nothing to do with tax base or
societal success. The politicians should just butt out and let American adults
decide their own fate.
Utexmom: very well said! Kudos for putting into words what I wanted to!
I married late in life. I love my husband but it hasn't been all blissful. We've
been through deaths of my parents, financial reversals and not seeing eye to eye
on things, but I love him and am comitted to make it work. We will.be
celebrating our 18 wedding anniversary . We had a small simple wedding and it
Great Article, I also was a Victim of a Brief Marriage. 40+ years
later it still hurts. Only in my case there was a child, a child concived while
I was in Viet Nam. A patch work put togeather until the child was born, and then
poof off into the sunshine. Letters till you get out, in 2 1/2 years and then we
will talk about it. There is hope!! Then the Divorce Papers being served.If I had one thing to do over, I would have held the Quarters, said it
was a child birth recovery and bonding time with grandma and family. Held that
position till the divorce was final then gotton remarried the next day and kept
the Quarters till I got out. Much better catch as an E5 over 5 with a nice two
story condo then as an E-5 living in the Barracks. Driving an old Ford 500. Hot
is Hot Barrack are not. At least you had No Kids and put your life
back togeather. I did Vegas also but on the cheap.I got
it right in 1988 and I write from Hawaii. I see you got it right
It may surprise some people to know that other people experience kinds of
problems that you never even knew existed. Some things can't be put up with and
some divorces aren't about not getting along, but about not putting up with
things that would ruin your life. Abuse is one of those things, but there are
other things also. To judge others based on your own narrow view that other
people's marriages are at the same difficulty level that yours is at is
ignorant. I know that you mean well, but some things you just have to leave
between others and God. Let Him be the one to judge. Our duty is to bless
other people's lives in any way we can.I have never been divorced.
I just am thankful for the blessings I have.
It seems there are too many comments about the many imperfections of an
ex-spouse or ex-fiancee. Often times in the same breath the implied innocence
and wonderful qualities of you, your friend, or sibling etc. I commend the
author for not going down this road and simply expressing the truth about the
difficulty in marriage. I wish there was more respect and reverence
for marriage. Too many people take marriage lightly and find themselves
unprepared for the rocky relationship they created. I agree with the above
comments about how silly a big wedding is especially when the actual marriage is
neglected. Getting married was the biggest decision in my life. I
knew before I got married the havoc and damage that can be created if things
fall apart. Likewise, the potential friendship, family and happiness that is
hard to find elsewhere. I have many friends who had arranged
marriages and actually all of them have had wonderful marriages. I really don't
think there is any benefit to getting to know someone any longer than they did
and still have a great marriage. I think it is more a matter of maturity and
I feel for anyone that may be in an abusive marriage but, the authors article
makes marriage seem trivial. The core principal of the article is that its ok
to get out of a marriage if things are not working out. If the author wanted to
talk about how she got out of an abusive marriage she should have done that or
not have brought it up at all. Elder Oaks stated "The kind of marriage
required for exaltation, eternal in duration, & godlike in quality does not
contemplate divorce". There are obvious exceptions i.e. abuse, but this
should be the rule in most cases.
I applaud the author's honesty in sharing her story, courage in ending a bad
marriage and restraint in not trashing her ex. The decision to get
married can be very tricky. Sometimes even people who've dated for a few years
will go through with a wedding because they've invested so much time in the
relationship, only to get divorced later. Statiscally speaking, the older one
is before getting married, and the more educated one, is the lower divorce rate.
It is way better to end a bad marriage early than to wait until kids come
into the picture, hoping things will improve.
I think one huge point the author is trying to make here is that we all make
mistakes. Some people chose a person who they shouldn't marry and go through
with the wedding. It's really easy to say you wouldn't have made this mistake or
that mistake that someone else has made but we weren't there and we haven't
experienced what others have. Sure it's not a choice some of us would have made
but we're all here in life to learn. Everyone is going to be some mistakes along
@JP71I realize the article does not go into this, but having read
Courtney's work previously, the relationship between her and her first husband
was described as "unhealthy in almost every way." The author is
laying a lot on the line here for you to read, perhaps just take things at face
value and give people the benefit of the doubt. One does not end a marriage
without great thought and confliction. Starting a marriage brings all sorts of
happy distractions; the ending, not so much. Such a difficult decision to make.
We all know if our future marriages will result in a disaster or not. You get
promptings and intuition! My fiancee hid mental illness from me. He also
informed me that he was quitting his job to become a professional tennis player.
2 days before the day, I called it off. Let me tell you.. there is enormous
pressure to not let people down. My Dad told me that not marrying this guy was
worth all of the $$$ he paid for the un-wedding. Now I"m on a 20 year
marriage to a man I had no doubt about.
"it's nice to know you can take advantage of one of the finest: the ability
to try, try again."===You know, it's rather ironic
that you should say that. Kim get's to "try, try again"
and many of us don't even get to "try" at all.
22 years here. The first few years were difficult, but we were both committed
to working thru problems and remembering why we married. The remaining years
have been pretty much a cake walk and continue to get better and better. Glad we
both held to our commitment to marriage. Oh and I'm not LDS -- some of us
"black sheep" also hold to our wedding vows!
I recommended a Pagan comment. I might have to go to counseling. JK. Way too
much goes into weddings these days and not enough goes into marriage. I admire the author for being able to be so candid. I'm sure many will judge
her, but she doesn't hide the truth and I admire that.
My husband and I got engaged 3 weeks after we met. Got married almost a year
after we met, due to circumstances beyond our control. We celebrated our 21st
year this past summer. My oldest brother was engaged after 3 months, married at
6 months, and has now been married for 26 years. It's not the time, it's
whether or not it's the right person, and whether both are committed to the
marriage and to making it work. As she says in her article, she
should have had the courage to call it off before they got married. Sounds like
she already knew it wasn't right before she ever did it.
Divorce is becoming increasingly accepted in our society, even among those that
would call themselves Saints. I do not see this author as being courageous but
rather taking an easy out.In other cultures (India for example)
where divorce is not accepted socially, somehow people that hardly know each
other manage to stay married the vast majority of the time. The secret is not
'knowing' the other person, IMHO, but rather being determined to work out the
differences, patiently, and over time.
Pagan: it doesn't happen often, but I agree with you! (momentary celebratory
dance)Seriously, I can never understand spending $10s of thousand of
dollars on a wedding. What a waste! I've been very proud of the three weddings
that my sons have been involved in. All have been very tastefully done on very
tight budgets. moreover, the marriages have so far been successful.To the article author: thanks for an interesting take on this timely subject.
The truth is that you will never really know the person until you've spent a few
years fully committed to each other. You are not going to learn much more about
a person in two years than you will from seeing each other every day for six
months.There is no question that being older lends itself to more
mature decisions, but that has hardly kept so many couples from wonderful lives
together.Thinking that one must wait until their late 20s and spend
years with a person to ensure the skeletons are out of the closet is to me a
defeated and dismal attitude.Young twenty somethings are very
capable of learning and identifying qualities that matter in themselves and in
other people. Hopefully they learn that from home and spend a few years putting
that into practice while dating.Unfortunate things happen not just
in marriage, but I think their is much the mature can learn from the young, meek
and hopeful.Thank goodness the only marriage that I have to worry about is
my own and what I'm teaching my kids by example.
Im sorry, but I respectfully disagree with the whole premise of your article.
To basically say that its the brave and honest thing to quite a marriage after a
few months just because there are some problems is ludicrous and harmful to
society. If youre being beaten or abused thats one thing but if you are having
a hard time getting along all I have to say is welcome to the real world of
marriage. A husband or wife is not a boyfriend or girlfriend that you can just
decide you are tired of. You mentioned that you are Mormon? This
article does not reflect LDS values and I hope those who read this article will
know that. Elder Oaks talk Divorce clearly states the Churchs position divorce.
@happymomto9 ,My Home Teacher dropped by and told me his son, an RM.
was engaged to a girl, 22. After dating her for FIVE Months!!! . My HT was very
offended that I suggested she should go on her Mission as she had submitted her
mission papers. (and BTW the Human brain doesn't mature til the Mid-20s) So much
for following Pres. Kimball's "Every member a missionary". Of course
my HT married his wife after dating her for all of FOUR months!!!! Are these
people INSANE??? You don't know somebody after Four or Five months. The author
of this article would agree that a longer coutship would avoid that nasty sting
of divorce. Once upon a time, At BYU there was a saying going
around: "Marry in haste. Repent at your leisure"
i still don't get it?!seriously. isn't that why we date? to get to
know the other person? what do you find out after marriage that you didn't know
before? (sex aside, but after 9 kids i'd be happy to put that aside. :> )and why all the big hoopla for a wedding? is that why it's done? or is that
why it's so hard to back out before?
From the article:So I say, good luck to you, Kim Kardashian. In your
world of luxury, it's nice to know you can take advantage of one of the finest:
the ability to try, try again.============Yes, Kim can,
for the 3rd time next time, try again.You got to try again.My first marriage lasted 4 years. My husband and I going on 17 years and
strong now. My brother is getting divorced after 6 months, after a
beautiful wedding we all flew in for. I thought it was such a happy occasion.
It bothers me so much that we're free to do this, whereas my gay
friends, all who've been together in committed, loving relationships for years
and years - some with children, others not - are not allowed the same state
right that you and I are allowed. Gay couples wanting to marry
can't possibly do any worse than the rest of us have done to the so called
'sanctity' of 'traditional marriage'. In fact, some of them might show us a
thing or two about real commitment.
C Jane, I appreciate you wearing your heart on your sleeve and giving us all
some inspiration. Not everybody can be such an open book. Thank you.
'It should be noted, as well, the next time I married (a year and a half later),
I eloped to Las Vegas. I had also learned my lesson about stressful, pricey,
showboat weddings.' - Article Well said! The WEDDING
should last a few hours. The MARRIAGE, should last a lifetime. :)
Thought-provoking, humble essay. Thank you. You give us all hope.
I appreciate your unique and unexpected turn at the Kardashian story. Your
article really brought the reader in. Happy that your story has a happy ending
(or should I say beginning).