Deseret News | Utah not all rosy

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Readers' forum: Utah not all rosy

WOW | 4:16 a.m. Nov. 15, 2009

Get some help, you sound depressed. When I moved her, I also had no friends. Friendships were made over time but not as quickly as I would have liked. I recognized that my own personality is what helps to make friends. I tend to be quite until people get to know me which means friendship take a long time to develop. This has been the same in any of the many geographical divisions that I have lived within. The actual state has very little to do with happiness or friends. Its the choices we make and what we do with our lives that makes the difference.

Imo | 5:37 a.m. Nov. 15, 2009

Lindsay, now that you are 18 you have been freed of the shackles of childhood. Feel free to move anywhere you want and I hope you find happiness. No sense hanging around if you're not happy here.

well | 6:46 a.m. Nov. 15, 2009

being happy is a choice
seems like the author has chosen to be unhappy and blame Utah

Comments continue below

Anonymous | 7:48 a.m. Nov. 15, 2009

Do you have any friends now? some people adapt diffrently to diffrent situations. I think if someone is outgoing and finds people with similar interest they can find friends.

Another view | 8:10 a.m. Nov. 15, 2009

Approximately 26 years ago I moved to Utah from the midwest, returning to my husband's roots. I left all that was familiar, including family. Sixteen years ago he pulled me, kicking and screaming, from one side of the state to the other. I did not want to move. I was afraid I would be unhappy. My mother-in-law saw my unhappiness, and she gave me a piece of advice that has been very beneficial. She said that we all need to "bloom where we are planted". Happiness does not come from where we live. Happiness comes from inside us. It comes from the friend we try to be to others and the service we give. Grumbling and griping about where we live serves nobody. Jumping in and becoming a part of a community - ANY community - can be a rewarding and life altering experience. Happiness does not come from where we LIVE, it comes from how we LOVE.

anon | 8:45 a.m. Nov. 15, 2009

sorry you feel that way. The good news is that you are 18 now and free to leave the state you dislike. Good luck. I've found it is the individual's responsibility to find happiness. I have lived all over the country and I had to find the good in the places I lived. I never felt that it was someone else's job to make me happy.

@Lindsay | 8:48 a.m. Nov. 15, 2009

the one thing you will come to find, is that wherever you go, there you are. Happiness is a condition of consciousness.

Military Brat | 9:22 a.m. Nov. 15, 2009

I hear you Lindsay.

Moving to Utah in the 6th grade, after living all over the country, I was stunned to find Utahn's socially segregated into sects. There were no less than four of them at my school in Provo, and each has unanimous labels even.

This was a new phenomenon to me that only increased in Jr High, where because of the area I lived in there was increasing peer pressure to "wear this," "comb your hair like that," and "act this way."

If you didn't you were ridiculed and ostracized.

By high school the casts and sects were clearly labeled and the division ever-increased into no less than six distinct groups. It was at this time I decided I'd have enough of all the phony acts and went my own way, realizing it mattered little ultimately whether or not these idiots accepted me.

Some 20 years later I happened to run into a few of the elitist group from way back when. Guess what? They were still acting like they had in school, only now with their own businesses and high-end jobs, passing along their distorted values to a new generation. Sad.

You'll find it the same here | 9:24 a.m. Nov. 15, 2009

A couple walked into an Open House, looked around and said, "We love the house, buy how is the neighborhood?"

The Realtor replied, "How is your current neighborhood?"

"We hate it," the couple said, "Our neighbors are negative and judgmental. All they do is scowl. No one ever invites us to anything. We can't wait to move."

The Realtor said, "This neighborhood will be the same for you."

A half-hour later another couple came in, looked through the house and said to the Realtor, "We LOVE the house! How is the neighborhood?"

"How is your current neighborhood?"

"We LOVE it," replied the couple. "We are always visiting each other's houses, sharing recipes, going to each other's kids' games and recitals."

"I go golfing with the other guys in the neighborhood," the man said.

"Our boys are in Scouts and I am the Den Mother," included the woman.

"We really hate to move, but the house is too small now and I have a new job too far away," included the man.

The Realtor listened, nodded, smiled and said, "This neighborhood will be the same for you."

Hypocrisy | 10:59 a.m. Nov. 15, 2009

I think the posters have proven the author's point.

You people need to get out, serve, extend yourselves, and serve others. Stop criticizing. Not one of you have actually offered to help.

The author needs to get out, make friends(they usually aren't given), and make the most of their situation.

hypocrisy? | 1:29 p.m. Nov. 15, 2009

@10:59 obviously is so superior to rest of us that he/she/it doesn't have to read other posts before condemning them. No one was criticizing the author. They were merely advising the author that happiness will not come from friends and locations.

In fact, studies show that the happiest people are the ones that serve others - not the ones waiting around for someone to extend themselves and serve them

Davis | 1:30 p.m. Nov. 15, 2009

Utah leads the nation in anti-depressant use, white collar fraud, porn subscriptions... something is seriously wrong with the place and the people both.

re: hypocrisy | 1:36 p.m. Nov. 15, 2009

ironic that you dont see the hypocrisy of your own post
your version of "help" is exactly what the other posters said - look to yourself first

@Hipocrisy | 1:37 p.m. Nov. 15, 2009

Way to go. You did the same thing. Your title-name is fitting.

Look Lindsay, don't listen to these losers. What they think doesn't matter nearly as much as what you think of yourself. Be kind and look for opportunities to lay a smile and a helping on someone and before you know it people will want to be around you just because.

It's as easy as making small talk while waiting in a line, or taking a moment to pick up something someone dropped. Folks notice those kinds of things, believe it.

You know what everyone loves to do? Talk about themselves. All it takes is one offhand comment about something that person has an interest in, be it a collectible on their shelf, a sticker on their car, or even a piece of jewelry or clothing that caught your eye.

You'll be fine. Your letter proves it by reaching out with a hunger for life.

re: Military Brat | 9:22 a.m. | 1:39 p.m. Nov. 15, 2009

high schools cliquess are hardly a "utah thing"

sounds like another attempt to blame all of utah for human behavior that exists everywhere

re: Davis | 3:41 p.m. Nov. 15, 2009

"something is seriously wrong with the place and the people both."

I suspect you would be unhappy anywhere

Clueless | 3:47 p.m. Nov. 15, 2009

"Being happy is a choice"
That is like saying having cancer is a choice. Name one clinically depressed person who "chose" that. Just one.
Utah is #1 in anti-depressants. How can it possibly be #1 in happyness? Unless you count all those pharmacuetically "happy" housewives.

For clueless | 4:18 p.m. Nov. 15, 2009

One or the other stat is obviously wrong. Maybe both. Your choice of which you believe comes from your own character. Which is it?

Anonymous | 11:30 p.m. Nov. 15, 2009

There is no way to happiness... happiness is the way. You can't rollerskate in a BUffalo Herd, but you can be happy if you've a mind to.

Happiness comes from inside | 2:08 p.m. Nov. 16, 2009

The first thing you need to learn is that nobody can GIVE you happiness. It comes from inside. And only YOU can find it.

Nobody advertised that moving to Utah is like taking an anti-depressant. If they did... they sold you a bill of goods.

Running away from the PLACE that makes you unhappy (even if the destination is Utah) will not work.

And I wouldn't blame Utah for that. You may be able to find more happiness elsewhere, but that doesn't automatically make it Utah's fault.

Bottom line... You need to take responsibility for your own happiness and not blame your depression on the State.

It's pretty well known that moving ADDS stress to whatever you already have (unless you're in a very abusive situation). So anywhere you move to will be new, a little different, and there will be stresses that may add to your depression temporarily.

Moving rarely cures depression.

To "Military Brat | 9:22 a.m. " | 2:17 p.m. Nov. 16, 2009

Military Brat | 9:22 a.m.

I think you're being a little disengenous and painting a false picture of reality for this person.

I've lived in many states and countries as well, and I can assure you there were "sects" as you call them or 'cliques' in every school I've attended (especailly Jr High).

If Utah is the only place that has teenaged cliques in Jr High and High Schools... How do you explain all the teen-movies about the kid who is an outcast or the kid fighting for acceptance in a new school or in the neighborhood he grew up in?

Are ALL these teen movies about Utah?

I guess hollywood has a bunch of spies in Utah gathering ideas for these movies, because it NEVER happens in California Schools or ANYWHERE else in the world... right?

I can assure you Utah is NOT the only place with this problem. That said... we don't have to accept that problem, and we should all continue to work to overcome it.

I hear you | 2:27 p.m. Nov. 16, 2009

You can be kind and nice in Utah and still have a hard time making friends here. There's been a real problem with lack of hospitality, openness, and tolerance in Utah that has been remarked by the late LDS President Hinckley, who exhorted his people to be friendlier and more neighborly to “nonmembers.”

Re "I hear you | 2:27 p.m." | 3:44 p.m. Nov. 16, 2009

Ya, Utah has a real problem with this... because President Hinckley said something about it? Gimme a break!

Nobody said Utah is perfect in this regard, but President Hinckley saying the membership IN GENERAL needs to do better should NOT be taken as him saying, "Utah is the worst at this, or it's a BIG problem for Utahns, etc".

President Hinckley doesn't only speak to Utahns you know.

Even IF we were doing better than some communities on this... I think President Hinckley would be asking us to do better (because we SHOULD always strive to do better).

Bottom line... I wouldn't try to twist President Hinckley's admonition to the church world-wide to to better to mean, "Utah sucks, Utahns are worse at this than anywhere else, etc".

That would be quite a stretch.

I can't count the number of people who have told me how open and friendly they found Utahns when they visited or moved here. But of course not ALL people have the same experience, because we are ALL individuals (including your Mormon neighbors). Some do better than others, but we should ALL be striving to do better.

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