Deseret News | Are men more likely to leave an ill spouse?

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Are men more likely to leave an ill spouse?

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terrible | 5:03 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

what a disgrace. Women should not be abandoned for any reason.

Anonymous | 5:17 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

I had serious illness twice and had two wives abandon me. I believe women can also be ruthless!

Alan | 5:30 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

I decided to abandon my wife when she wouldn't quit dating other men. I feel good about that decision, and I hear she is getting re-married, so she may be okay with it too.

Comments continue below

B.A. | 6:13 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

My wife has MS and we have battled together with it. In sickness and in health were the vows and I stand by her at all times. I think it is aweful that someone would leave when the spouse needs them most. :(

Supporter | 6:14 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

A serious illness can try the souls of all involved. People can make a decision to work through it, even to a possibly bitter end, and realize growth and a love that can't be forged any other way. I think it is easier if family, community, and church rally around the family with an ill member. It is nurturing for the family, and cleansing and uplifting for those who help. We can do much to help families stay together by being there for them in crisis.

Munch | 6:16 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

The point is that men are leaving their wives when they have cancer or MS, that is shamfull!!! What are these men thinking???? Just when they need suport the most they are left to "deal" alone. They should be ashamed!!!

John | 6:49 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

The suppositions contained in this article are totally bogus. When the statistics are so pronounced, the first point of investigation should be economic, NOT men's mental approach to a relationship!! Having recently completed 15 years of caregiving for an MS afflicted spouse, I can subjectively confirm the huge bias contained in the data. However, I would strongly urge investigation of the societal economic pressures exerted on the husband that are usually at a reduced level or not present at all for the wife. In most cases, the income and insurance benefits of a household are still biased towards the husband. Most cases that I observed, offered no financial support to the husband for caregiving. In fact, there were many factors that favored disolution of the marriage. Early on, we were secretly counseled to divorce by a state case worker (The jury is still out on whether we should have listened to him, as I wade through a mountain of medical bills.)

CH | 6:53 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

To B.A. I agree with you. I knew an old guy who put his wife in a rest home when she had MS. I'm not sure if he ever divorced her, or not? But this old guy danced on his wife's grave with his ugly younger girlfriend. He now has a newer girl friend and a bit better looking than the grave dancer, but her looks are in no comparison to those of his older wife who died from MS a few years back. This old guy has no intrepidity or moral structure whatsoever.

I say, take care of your sick spouses if you have two movable arms and legs to go with it. God will bless you in the end.

Tim | 7:11 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

God knows who you are and the intentions of your heart. Stay with your spouse and help them when they are ill. I hate sad stories. It is like when a person has no longer any value to a greedy spouse, it automatically becomes the duty of someone else to take care of them. Also, seems that some folks never truly love their companion in the first place so they toss them out the window like human garbage when they become ill. Shame on those people who put aside their spouse. This goes for man or a woman.

Anonymous | 7:33 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

This is a good article. It really makes a person realize what is truly important in ones life. Thank you, DESERET NEWS.

Digbads | 7:38 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

Nice to see, once again, how many judgemental people there are out there.
Try being a caregiver for many years and see if you understand things then.

Adult thinking | 8:12 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

I have been a care giver most of my life and there have been hard times, but in the end it was always well worth it, and very rewarding as well, and has brought me closer to God. There is nothing to feel sorry for ones self over for caring for a loved one. So dump the selfishness and keep on giving. It is worth it in every way. Life is all about caring for each other.

Anonymous | 8:22 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

Having cancer or MS is a nightmare that you can't wake up from. Having your spouse abandon you is a colossal nightmare.

Not invited to the party? | 8:59 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

GEE, It is so sad that some of you feel so sorry for what you have to do for someone else. If you ask me, life is full of a great many and never ending trials. It's what we all choose to do with our life's trials. We can run off like a cowards or choose to be genuine in our love? Some of you act like life should always be easy for you. You act like you got left out of the party. Boo hoo.. WHAT PARTY?

I ask, Is life easy for a sick person? Do you think they enjoy being sick, or being a burden in your life? WELL, I DON'T THINK SO. This happens to be life for many of us out here one way or another, and one trial after another comes to each of us who live on this earth. So try to get use to it and accept it without nagging about it, and get on with being a kind and loving person to your loved one as the day you married them. It's no longer ALL about YOU.

to CH | 6:53 p.m. | 9:15 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

Your judgments of "ugly girlfriends" show your lack of "intrepidity or moral structure" as well.

Recently there was a study saying that when one spouse was ill or disabled their marriage was stronger. I don't think these things can be reduced to meaningful statistics.

Suffice to say it is hard to be chronically ill; it is hard to be a caretaker too. Judgment of others doesn't help much.

Fred | 9:27 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

It would be interesting to know how religiosity modifies the results if at all. My suspicion is that while we would still most likely see a gender gap it would be somewhat smaller among those who practice religion. It would also be interesting to test the economic theories proposed by the poster above. I am not sure that he articulated the economic reasons sufficiently but having a health economist comment on possible reasons would make for a more complete story.

Timothy | 9:42 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

Great article.

Dan | 9:55 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

RE 9:15 p.m.
I think you meant integrity and morals.

I think it is mighty low for a man or woman to dance on the grave, or the ashes of a newly dead spouse. How cruel is that? In my opinion this kind of person is less than a slithering snake. I don't see any love attached to such actions. There is a time to mourn and a time to get on with ones life, but the healing after losing a loved one takes time. No dancing attached.

Vee | 9:57 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

After reading this article I am thankful for my loving,caring husband. He stood beside me, in front of me and to the side of me all the way through cancer treatment. He loved me with no hair, and he even cut his hair short(I told him not to go bald on me). He was there through the dry heeves, and peeling skin(cancer meds do not like the sun). He loves me even with an awful dent in my breast.

ME TOO..... | 10:53 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

I have the best spouse and friend that God could have ever created. He has stood by me through many health problems and for over forty years. He has ALWAYS been there for me no matter what. I know without a doubt when times were hard for him to care for me that his """GENUINE LOVE""" along with mine made us both stronger. We truly plan to spend eternity together, and nothing will ever separate us, not even death. ~TOGETHER FOREVER~ xxoxoxoxoxo

We ONLY dance together.

Anonymous | 11:14 p.m. Nov. 12, 2009

I learned early on in our marriage that I needed to safeguard my own health as much as possible, because I could care for my spouse and babies and kids when they were sick, but there was nobody to care for me if I got sick. WHen my husband had major surgery, I joked that maybe I'd go off hunting and golfing with my friends the way he did when I had new babies, knee surgery, hysterectomy, etc. He didn't find that amusing! If his health fails and he needs me, I'll be there; but I really don't think I can say the same thing for him. Fortunately I have 4 grown children who have more empathy; I hope they will be around in my old age.

Anonymous | 12:03 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

MOVIE COMING OUT ... DESTRUCTION OF THE FAMILY

Get your seat folks now, because prices are going up.
Starring Selfish People (Senators, CEO's of Health Insurance companies and pharmaceuticals).

Point... Lets make money from families by continuing to raise healthcare costs on them and ignore change in the Senate.

No Family Discounts, No Child Discounts, and extra charges for new babies in your Family!

are you kidding? | 2:19 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Maybe there are lots of other reasons for that occurring other than men are pigs. Has anyone thought that the stress of the illness created a rift that neither spouse could deal with? There isn't any data showing why--it just says it happened. At the risk of sounding embittered, hypothetically speaking (of course because this could never happen) maybe the woman was extremely difficult to live with during marriage so the illness was just the final straw and the man just wasn't willing to go to the efforts to be a caregiver when she was unloving and unappreciative even during good times. I'll bet marriages that are in trouble have the same issues on the flipside when the man is diagnosed with a serious illness.

A different view point | 2:58 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

As a husband who has recently been in the care giving role for a wife sufferig from cncer here are my thoughts.

I learned about "chemo brain" by myself. When one receives chemo therapy the cancer killing chemicals go throughout the entire body and yes they have an negative effect on the brain and behavior also. They can be short termed or long term.

In my opinion cognative thinking and decision making are impacted. The sad part is the the recepient of chemo therapy does not release this is happening.

Denial is commonplace.

This adds a lot of stress to the relationship and unless the healthy spouse realizes that emotionally and intellectually his spouse is impacted by the cncer therapy also.

Depression is another huge factor contributing to the deteriation of the relationship.

Some patients and their spouses need to understand that is part of the game and patience is needed and not to seek emotional support from other females.

In my opinion unfortunately there are many females out their who start manuvering before your wife is dead.

As part of the treatment plan a few minutes about the psychological impliations of chemo would have been helpful.

Not very well done study. | 4:23 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

This study only points out that divorce goes up in some cases of medical distress but it doesn't point out why.

Economic discrimination I think is the major reason. It's not that men don't love and want to stand by their spouses, it's that a single women and with children can get medical care more easily than if they are married. The laws of the country are very biased and discriminating when it comes to men who may have the same needs.

There are many divorces or implied abandonment in a marriage for financial reasons and government aid. If a man leaves a wife and family, the mothers can easily get welfare and other amenities that men in the same situation cannot get.

Insurance limits lifetime coverage and when these limits are exceeded, some married couples, even long term marriages, are faced with a decisions based on economics and getting the care for their wives. A divorced women can easily qualify for welfare and medical care. A single or divorced man does not get the same treatment so marriages stay in tact.

The bad guy breaking up homes is the system, and men face discrimination.

Roland Kayser | 5:29 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

I wonder if some of these divorces occur because an unmarried, unemployed woman would be eligible for medicaid, helping to keep a family out of bankruptcy.

Anonymous | 6:40 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Stick with your spouse, people! Good grief.

Clare | 7:20 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

I'm so grateful for the best husband in the world! He married me inspite of the fact that I had M.S. and might not be able to have children, which was true. He is there for me. Fortunately, I have been able to work to help with our income, but that will shortly be diminished. It is true that when a spouse gets sick a lot of men abandon their wives. I've seen it happen and the M.S. Society is aware of it. It even happened to my husband's mother. I still have a difficult time liking the man, even though my husband has forgiven him. I believe these people, men or women, will get their just desserts in the end. If not in this life, the next. To the man or men who complain about the health bills: What if it had been you? Would you leave your spouse because you lost your job and had to go bankrupt? Even though I'm expense to keep, my husband says I'm his Sweetheart and that I'm worth it. Sometimes I hope what goes around will come back on their own heads.

Out with the old,in with the new | 7:44 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

I wonder how many of these posters read the same article that I did or just let their righteous indignation blind them. Psychotherapist Harrison said "Because men are much more "objective" and women much more "subjective" in their relationships, men by nature focus on "performance" and women focus on "being,"". What I read here is that many men (clearly not all, especially the "saints" who have posted so far) start looking for the door when their wife stops "doing" for them, whether it's due to the kids, work, or illness. I can almost feel the rage from the holier-than-thous at the idea that a man might consider the marriage over if there is a likelihood of no sex. Come on folks, men and women are generally wired differently and as much as the romance novels would have women wanting their hubbies to stand by their side--asexually--for years and years, basic biology counters this idea for men with a significant sex drive.

There is a need for additional studies in this area, and I don't mean just divorce as it relates to cancer. Really, should a man stay married when his wife stops "doing?"

My 2 cents worth... | 8:02 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Looking forward to our 50th Wedding Anniversary next year...

My husband came from the South, and I from the North. When we married we loved each other, but, came from totally different environments...except for our religion.
For many years we fought our civil war, then finally anchored our flag of peace.

After almost a year of my using natural methods to battle my cancer, I couldn't have a more attentive, devoted, serving husband, who is totally supportive of me and what I am doing!! It has brought out the best in him...and in our relationship.

My opinion, for what it's worth, is to work on building a good, strong, long-term relationship, and all our trials, no matter what they are, can only add more depth and meaning to one's joy and happiness.

Mark Proctor | 8:23 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

My wife was diagnosed with MS 10 years ago. As a recovering alcoholic with years of sobriety; she had plenty of reasons to leave me years ago and did not. We have been married almost 30 years and the reason I will stay with her until I die is not because she stayed with me. It is because I feel marriage is a commitment for life. Through sickness and health. I speak only for myself.

Nelson | 8:23 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Dear, "Out with the old, in with the new:"

Are you for real?

Doc "H" | 8:48 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Shame on these men who divorce their wives because of a cancer diagnosis.
Whatever happened to those important words: "In sickness and in health"....
Remember, why you married your spouse. (If anything, such challenges should
bring a couple more closer)
(Think about that)

KW | 8:57 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

"Out with the old" is, hopefully, a rare example. Yes, romance novels have very little overlap with real life. However, that doesn't have anything to do with bad behavior.

Maybe it's time we as a society started reteaching some of the lessons we've neglected over the years. You know the great pride of the marines, that they don't leave their men behind? That's while under fire, possibly wounded, and in danger of life and limb. If they objectify their wounded or dead buddies at that time, it's not for what they can do for them and it seems even less likely they would see them as sexual objects at that time and under those circumstances.

The measure of a man has very little to do with what the people around him do for him. It has everything to do with what he does for others. Boys run away, men stick around.

Are you serious? | 9:08 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

I divorced my wife because she became a drug addict. She did detox/rehab multiple times to appease me, but never intended to stop using. I gave have her 7 years to get her act together. In the end, I did what was best for me and my kids.

Am I the bad guy????

The Great Hunt | 9:23 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

I have also seen woman who have no spouse who start hunting down an eligible man who will soon be a widower. Like they want his money and could careless about the old guys dead wife. It happens to often and these vipers play a great acting game. And the older guys kids from his first wife end up without anything of their fathers or mothers. And who's mother was married to their father over 45 years or longer. There are some real money diggers out there who are on the move. There are men who do the same thing as these woman, and for their money ONLY. Be aware! for is not love they seek! These people are only looking out for themselves and will go to great extremes and play a good game. Not only will they dance with you on your dead wife or husbands grave, but they will as well dance on yours.

Well Stated | 9:23 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

I've seen this happen way too many times. I've seen it go both ways, but unfortunately too many times with the women, rather than the men. Because men are typically the breadwinners, the "other" women come positioning themselves when they see a sick wife. When I was diagnosed, 4 women approached my husband, and when my mother in law died, there were 4 pecan pies waiting on the doorstep before a week had passed by after she died. An Uncle put his wife in a rest home after having MS and hooked up with a woman on line before all was said and done, and it's disgraceful. I do agree that illness can produce depression on the the ill spouse when they feel their needs aren't getting met. The MS female spouse needed diapers, and the husband refused to purchase them and help her to the toilet. She became depressed! HUNH? Is that because her kids had to help her? I GUESS SO! Creepy Husband!

Will | 9:49 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Re: Mark Procter, I totally agree with you. Your comment was good. My wife is my best friend. If she loses all her hair and can no longer walk or talk due to her illness I WILL BE THERE FOR HER NO MATTER WHAT.

IdahoDoctor | 9:52 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

This study needs to be peer reviewed. The results need to be reproduced elsewhere. Then we can postulate explanations. The putative explanations for this alleged phenomenon, as presented by those interviewed for this article, may be completely spurious or irrelevant. If I flip a coin 5 times and it comes up heads each time, does that mean it always will? Human biostatistics interpretation is a lot more complicated than people think.

Don't Leave Your Spouse! | 10:03 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Good post KW!

I know many women whose husbands have left them shortly after a diagnosis of MS or cancer or the like. Some women do that, but very few. Most women who love their husbands will stick with them through thick and thin, even if it bankrupts them. Men won't. I had a friend with cancer whose husband left as soon as she was diagnosed. She died completely alone.

Shortly after I was married I was diagnosed with a lifelong illness with no cure. My husband had a hard time with it, but he sees me as more than just an object. He loves me dearly despite my physical imperfections. He stuck around and we've got a wonderful marriage. We BOTH do things for each other. Because I'm so grateful to him for sticking around and caring for me even when it was difficult I go out of my way to thank him in any way I possibly can. We found a way to equalize the work load and we are attentive to each other. Being sick is NOT fun for either of us, but it doesn't have to ruin your marriage!

Der Verder | 10:05 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

I lost both of my sisters to cancer. Husband number one was a coward. He finally ran away from my terminally ill sister and ran away from his responsibilities. Husband number two carried on an affair during her suffering. He was married two weeks after her burial.
Both scumbags. Most folks would recognize the name of #2. Oh ya..their children hate his guts.

Re; Are you serious? | 10:15 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Short answer: Yes, because you're a man.

According to feminists, no one with a Y chromosome can do anything right.

The man is always wrong, even if the woman does something horrible, eg, Andrea Yates, who was driven to drown her kids by that evil husband of hers who expected her to be a good wife and mother.

People are people | 10:17 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Life is hard, relationships are complicated and people are weird. This article comes as no surprise. Marriages end very often even when no major hardships are encountered.

And while "out with the old" may have used a tact-challenged title, his post is not untrue. It is much harder for men to remain long term in a marraige where the partner is unable to provide any physical affection. Men are also generally not wired as well to be long term caregivers. Anyone who grew up with a Mom and Dad should have ample proof of that statement. I think it is easy for someone to say they would stand by through thick and thin, but what about when year 3 rolls around and your spouse still mostly just lays in bed and the only physical contact you get is helping them use the bathroom. It would be hard to keep the love and the "spark" going that makes you want to stay together.

Selfish Motivations | 10:20 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Humans naturally act in a way that is self serving. It is human nature for a Man to want to move on to a new woman who is active in every way once their old wife gets sick and stops "Doing". It is terribly wrong and selfish. But this is human nature folks. It doesn't take a psychotherapist to figure that one out. It takes an incredibly patient, mature, and understanding Man to stick with a terminally ill wife for years.

Totally explains him to a T | 10:24 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Thank you for this article. It explains my soon-to-be-ex to a T. Last year I took a spill down the stairs to our family room. The most caring and compassionate thing he did for me was to pick-up and pay for my prescriptions for me. However when he brought them home, I was in the recliner-sofa and he threw them at me and then when upstairs and locked himself in the bedroom. His problem? The cost of the prescriptions. We are in the process of divorcing and I am having to fight tooth and nail what should be an "easy" divorce just to be covered by his medical insurance. I am facing two unrelated surgeries and a possible fibromyalgia diagnosis plus some other "minor" issues.

Anonymous | 10:35 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

My dad got swindled by an LDS woman who waited for my mother to die. This woman cleaned him out.

TO Der Verder | 11:05 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

i have a family member who has done the same thing. He has a son he never visits and his online dates always get him into trouble during and after his wife's death. However, he is looking for a woman with money now and dates one with a Mercedes Benz. This woman is nothing but a made up flashy bimbo and he and she both deserve the heaps of 'never mind' that they are both dating.

Just Wondering | 11:07 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

Why is there more compassion and empathy for the spouse diagnosed with cancer or MS rather than the "healthy" spouse. What if the "healthy" spouse was suffering way more than the spouse with a "visible" disease? If more compassion and empathy were shown the "healthy" spouse by other family members, friends, and society, perhaps they wouldn't have felt the need to run away.

Anonymous | 11:14 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

"Both scumbags. Most folks would recognize the name of #2. Oh ya..their children hate his guts."

Let us know the name, scumbags should be outed.

Speaking from experience | 11:14 a.m. Nov. 13, 2009

when the children or I were sick, my X-HUSBAND would always act as if we had offended him. He would stay home from work to "care" for us, but that usually meant that he was GONE doing something on his own. The sicker we might be, the more contempt he showed us. And, yet, when he had a cold or a backache, he would lie on the sofa and commandeer the entire house. He expected to be waited on hand-and-foot. And I DID. Now he is an X. Good riddance!

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