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Mormon Twentysomething on MormonTimes.com: Don't listen to the marriage cynics

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Jo | 1:39 a.m. July 3, 2009

The divorce rate is 50% regardless of age. Shacking up before marriage results in a higher rate of divorce.

Grandma | 5:59 a.m. July 3, 2009

As I wrote in my E-mail, statistics don't cause marriages to fail. People do. If you go into a marriage with the idea that both of you will do eveything within your power to make each other happy and that happiness is centered in the Gospel, then you have a good chance for a great married life. I've been married for almost 50 years and we have always been careful to not be critical or unkind to each other. That doen't we haven't disagreed. It just means we haven't been offensive about our disagreement. Try to never hurt your spouse's feelings. Show them the respect and love and kindness you would want to receive.

Anonymous | 6:56 a.m. July 3, 2009

People who marry later in life has a better chance of staying together.
They are more mature, financially stable,and not force to get marry because of unplanned prenangcy.

Comments continue below

gomw | 8:05 a.m. July 3, 2009

My wife and I eloped when I was 24 and she was only 17. That was 56 years ago on the 16th of this month. We later were sealed in the Los Angeles Temple. If we had it to do over again, we would cherish the opportunity. Our happiness has nothing to do with our age at marriage; it is more a result of our maturity in marriage.

Dr. J | 8:38 a.m. July 3, 2009

I agree, McKay---sometimes you just have to tune out the cynics. I'm frankly astonished that so many folks last week were glibly reminding you of divorce statistics rather than just saying "Congratulations and good luck!" Sure, a lot of marriages fail, but a lot of marriages succeed, too. You start out with faith and hope, do the best you can, and leave the rest to the Lord, no matter what anyone else says. So, congratulations and good luck, from someone else who knows that a rainy wedding day can be the beginning of a great marriage!

Cats | 8:44 a.m. July 3, 2009

Sounds like Mckay got up on the grumpy side of the bed this morning.

sireofmany | 8:47 a.m. July 3, 2009

Brother Coppins,

I think the whole point of last weeks article was that it is a little naive of us as Latter Day Saints to be preaching to the world that we hold marriage more sacred than other people. This is because the LDS now divorce at roughly the same rate as other religions.

Crimson Club | 8:53 a.m. July 3, 2009

I'm not too sure about statistics. In the 1930 and 1940s, people married younger than they do today, but the divorce rate was around 20% back then. I think the high divorce rate of today is because divorce is now so commonplace and acceptable today. I think it has to do more with cultural norms than marrying young. Anyways, I will get off my soapbox.

Uncle Reality | 8:57 a.m. July 3, 2009

The facts are simple. If you marry younger you are far more likely to get divorced because you are not mature and you are ill prepared to make important decisions. Is it any wonder that you have to be 21 years old to drink and you have to be 18 years old to be in the military? Youth generally equals inexperience and bad decisions. there is no harm in telling our children to wait until they are older to marry.

Jessica | 9:00 a.m. July 3, 2009

to McKay Copins:

I would like to say on behalf of the 20 Single Somethings out there, "Congratualations and good luck on your marriage!!"

Here is hoping you and your wife will have many little Mckays crawling around your home shortly.

Anonymous | 9:07 a.m. July 3, 2009

if you have a revelation that you should marry young nobody should get between you and what God tell us.

Married | 9:19 a.m. July 3, 2009

at 22 and my spouse was 21. With almost 14 years of married life we are still going on strong and love each other even more! When you allow God to be your guide and you follow those wonderful promptings of Holy Ghost the joy and blessings a couple receive outweigh the negatives that sometime enter the relationship.

Instereo | 9:26 a.m. July 3, 2009

When you are young it's hard to tell the difference between God's answer and hormones. Besides when you're young you think you know it all and won't listen to anyone with a different point of view. So, when you are old and have experience that is broader then just your own experience, maybe you'll see things differently. In the mean time enjoy the good life while it lasts. Good luck with your marriage. Time is a great teacher.

John Pack Lambert | 9:28 a.m. July 3, 2009

It's kind of hard to not be cynical about marriage. Too many of us have been through divorces or have seen our parents divorce. Try as I may, I cannot shake being cynical about marriage.

WSU Cougar | 9:35 a.m. July 3, 2009

I married very soon after my mission. I can't imagine life as a single. Being married is so much better. I like this poem about marriage

"Come and grow old with me,

The Best is yet to be"

Have a happy Fourth of July everybody!!!!

Keith Tobler | 9:42 a.m. July 3, 2009

Congratulations on your marriage. Good article. I have noticed in the last several years that the "cynical marriage syndrome" has been sneaking into our church and influencing our singles. I don't know the cure, but thank you for bringing attention to the "cynical marriage syndrome".

Henry Drummond | 10:08 a.m. July 3, 2009

Is it any wonder that today's youth are so cynical about marriage? We live in a cynical world right now. Fads change faster than I change my underwear (I just made that up, lol). What we need to teach our children is that eternal principles like marriage never change and go on forever.

Abs of Steel (not my real name) | 10:21 a.m. July 3, 2009

I was just dear johned and I have about 6 1/2 months before I come home. I feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I can now focus 100% on the Lords work. I will not be getting married for a long time. I have to much to do.

Anonymous | 10:23 a.m. July 3, 2009

Marrying you is fine but marrying mormon seems tobe the issue.

kenny | 10:24 a.m. July 3, 2009

Husbands turn to their wives and say "make me happy"and wives turn to their husbands and say the same thing.When the happiness does not come forth as we expect it, then we see the only solution is to divorce.In this world it is extremely hard at best to find happiness externally.Hapiness comes from within.Husbands:share your happiness with your wife and you wives do the same with your husbands.Keep doing that one day at a time for ever and ever and the marriage will servive even if you were only 22 when you tied the knot.Dont fall victium to statistics. If you focus on statistics,you just might become one.Have a happy life.

Kathy from Boise | 10:27 a.m. July 3, 2009

Congradulations, I have to say I married at a young age and have been married now for 34 years. As I think about what makes a successful marriage, I of course look at my own relationship. It is not expecting perfection, but recognizing we both have faults. And finding joy in the journey. Also having a love the grows through the years, and does not diminish with time. It is our choice, our actions, our strenghts and our acceptance of weeknesses that will make our marriage last.

Why are they cynical? | 10:34 a.m. July 3, 2009

You are right, some of the cynics are reacting to their own failures. They have been married and you have not. They probably prayed about it as well and now they are cynical. I wish you great success but don't blind yourself to the idea that marriage is hard and immaturity makes it harder. You think you have the most wonderful wife in the world - just like every guy who is now divorced did.

jackie | 10:35 a.m. July 3, 2009

I don't think that age is as big an issue as rushing into marriage. I have noticed alot of young people getting married (or engaged) only months and sometimes weeks after meeting. We have a young couple in our ward who just met two months ago and are already engaged and well into the plans for the wedding
Sorry but there is a difference between being in lust and being in love.
How can you marry someone you hardly know? I think that before young people should marry they should spend time with each others family, how close they are to thier family and how they treat thier family is a good indicator of how your life will be. They should have at least one disagreement, both have goals and be working towards achieving them. Have looked after the other one when they are sick, think each other is beautiful even without makeup or when they fart. You just can't say you know someone well enough to marry when you've only ever been together when you are trying too hard to make everything perfect.
Marriage is a big decision,if love is REAL it will last.

kenny | 10:45 a.m. July 3, 2009

To John Pack Lambert: You had a bad expirence with marriage.Instead of being cynical about marriage, try being critical of self and what YOU could have done to make your marriage better.Forget about what your wife did or did not do.Take all the good you have into a marriage and be happy John.(Your mom and dad would love more grandchildren.)

Terrie from Kaysville | 10:57 a.m. July 3, 2009

I once heard Elder Ballard in a youth stake fireside say that even the best marriages are hard and take lots of work to continue to be sucessful. Please keep this in mind that even in the very best marriages they are hard and the people have had to devout everything to make them work. If they stop working, the marriages will fail. A good Marriage equals hard and constant work!!

To Kenny | 11:01 a.m. July 3, 2009

Of all the silly things being said here, this is the one thing that drives me crazy:

WHO CARES?! The guy just got married, which is a challenge by itself and now, the moment he makes that gigantic decision, you want him to consider his parent's wishes and tackle the incredible and difficult task of raising humans! He should get a three-year pass, at the very least. That well-intentioned bit of advice/humor can be more harmful than even the most vile comments here.

Overstock.com Employee | 11:04 a.m. July 3, 2009

I've been married for just over 18 months now. Last month we welcomed our first daughter into this world. What I can tell you is that so far I learned that marriage is not about yourself at all. You have to give everything and commit to it 110%. But it is well worth it. I have become a less selfish individual and I can sometimes glimpse God's infinite wisdom in creating the plan of salvation.

My2Cents | 11:16 a.m. July 3, 2009

Here's my experience from this week.

Yesterday I was invited to my BFF temple wedding in Salt Lake. After the ceremony, we were all assembled outside the temple for the obligatory photo shoot. My BFF and her husband started having a pretty serious and heated argument about which photos should be taken and where. I couldn't believe my ears and eyes. This went on for about 15 minutes.

I guess my advice would be who cares about the dang photos!!! Don't focus on the small stuff. Marriage is a big picture thing. Focus on eternity, not the dishes or photos.

Gwen | 11:16 a.m. July 3, 2009

Marriage is fine at a young age, but just make sure it is a Temple marriage and don't marry outside of the LDS faith. Non-members and members without a strong testimony do not have good conviction and have fairly shakey morals. I found this out the hard way.

Two Crucial Points | 11:30 a.m. July 3, 2009

Good luck to you on your marriage McKay. I am currently in a failed marriage after doing all we could do to salvage it. So naturally I have some cynicism but I am trying to really learn where I can improve myself. What I did to contribute to the failure. You really only have control of yourself.

But I believe there are two crucial points that lead to divorce - in any marriage but particularly in the LDS culture. It is not age. It is the pressure to get married too fast. Jackie hit it on the head. EVERYONE is blinded to a degree of faults and potential personality mismatches during the butterfly stage. EVERYONE can put on that perfect face for just a few dates. You need to really get to know each other!! The second problem is that it is very difficult (even for more experienced adults) to clearly distinguish between the spirit and emotions. And never are emotions higher than early in courtship. Mckay, you wrote an article about this regarding LDS youth camps but unfortunately didn't recognize it should apply here as well.

The answer, regardless of age, is just to SLOW DOWN and enjoy courtship.

SLC gal | 11:30 a.m. July 3, 2009

I'm heading to Bear Lake for some fun and sun, but after reading this article and the comments that followed I have to give my opinion on why we are so cynical about marriage these days.

Look at how the media celebrates Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's marriage. Hollywood revels in gossip and news about divorce, adultery and pre-marital sex. The public eats that stuff up.

It has been ingrained in our collective psyche that divorce and cheating is okay. I would like to see the Church take more steps to combat the media influence that affects our youth.

30 years and counting | 11:31 a.m. July 3, 2009

I was 22 and my wife was 19 when we were married 30 years ago. We had only known each other for eight months. When we first married, I saw an interview, on TV, of a husband and wife who had been married for 60 years. The interviewer quoted divorce statistics and then asked them "why do you think your marriage has been so successful?" The Husband said: "Perhaps in our day, we didn't expect so much, but we got more." I thought that was excellent advice. I have tried not to expect a lot, and I try to give more. As a result, I have received much more than I could have ever possibly dreamed of. Now, when I see my wife walking on the other side of a large auditorium, all I can think of is "whoa, now there goes a real woman!" And I count myself very lucky to be her husband. Statistics don't make a marriage, people do. Good luck McKay

Ben | 11:40 a.m. July 3, 2009

This is a key point for the church today. Until we recover the proper teaching about singleness, and its goodness in Christ, and stop pressuring anyone and everyone in the church to get married, we have no business pontificating about marriage and its blessings. Too often, single persons in the church are simply viewed as 'candidates for dating and marriage' (never mind that the Bible says nothing at all about dating, or late Western notions about romance and courting). This is a trainwreck waiting to happen, and the result is many persons are pressured into marriage who are neither ready, nor have the grace gift to be in a marriage relationship. This in turn leads to numerous divorces-- and the endless cycle of matrimony, acrimony, and alimony receives another push.

Elvis Costello Groupie | 11:44 a.m. July 3, 2009

Marriage is what you make of it. Show me a failed marriage and I will show you someone who did not try their best to make it work.

Advice | 11:46 a.m. July 3, 2009

Don't date or marry non-members. This is one of the major issues. Non-members, for the most part lack the grace and commitment to make relationships or marriage work. Stay within the church and marry in the Temple; your life and you marriage will be much more fullfilling and happier.

so.cal gal | 11:53 a.m. July 3, 2009

You people in Utah should be grateful that your divorce rate is only around 50%. I have heard statistics that have our divorce rate in California around 65%.

As a single Mormon gal living in San Diego, I have not felt any pressure from anyone in my ward or from my parents to get married. Maybe it's different in Utah and at BYU.

Recent BYU Grad | 12:07 p.m. July 3, 2009

I hope I am alive at the day when BYU starts encouraging its students to graduate before they get married. You would see our divorce rate plummet if they encouraged us to get our degrees before we get married.

A.. | 12:08 p.m. July 3, 2009

It is not only the marriage pressure from the culture but that we are expected to start popping out rug rats immediatley. These kids can barley affort and appartment and here they find themselves with a couple kids! Stop the madness, this is just a revolving cycle an the pressures of the chuch will cause it to implode upon itself. Let people live there own live and in time they will make the proper choices.

kenny | 12:15 p.m. July 3, 2009

To the person who commented on my last post about John Pack Lambert: I have known John for years. His brother was my home teaching companion.I was at John's wedding reception.I served the Lamberts as their home teacher. John's dad is my home teaching companion now.Sister Lambert is a good friend.Maybe this will help you understand why I said what I did.
Sorry I got a little personal.

Laughy Taffy | 12:20 p.m. July 3, 2009

Only insecure people who are unsure of themselves get married young. Just remember that there is only one life and there are no do-overs. Enjoy life and then get married.

Are We Human or are We Dancers | 12:27 p.m. July 3, 2009

Being cynical about marriage is not necessarily a bad thing. Cynical people tend to be cautious and take their time in making up their mind. I think we all could use a little more cynicism when it comes to getting married.

John Pack Lambert | 12:47 p.m. July 3, 2009

Please back of Kenny. We have had this conversation before.

Help!! | 12:48 p.m. July 3, 2009

Every time I try to open the link on MormonTimes to read the story, I get sent to a website about lowering my electric bill. It sounds like an interesting article and I may just have to break down and buy the paper version of the Deseret News at the local 7-11.

Hammond | 12:53 p.m. July 3, 2009

The welfare and public assistence rate of young byu students with children is astonishing. Self-realiance? Good to get marriage and pop out babies young? The rest of society pays for the mistakes of the young and influential. Wake up people and make the tight decision for yourself and the rest of society. It's not about antiquated concepts and the churches point of view. We don't live of farms anymore people!

Anonymous | 1:07 p.m. July 3, 2009

To Advice,

Your arrogance and narrowmindedness is the main cause for divorce, regardless of where or with whom you marry!

Your attitude makes me sick.

Quinten | 1:07 p.m. July 3, 2009

Bro. Coppins and on the sentence: "The water is just fine"

I stongly dissagree, I think we was referring to "The Green Jello is just fine"

Marry in your own time and don't get caught up in feverishness of the mormon cuture to get married young.

ramper | 1:09 p.m. July 3, 2009

60 minutes had a great show a couple of months ago about declining marriage and birth rates in the industrial world. The gist of the program was that fewer and fewer people were opting for marriage. And the people who are getting married are having less children. There are many European and Asian countries that currently have a negative population growth rate. America is starting to follow that trend.

Marketlady | 1:27 p.m. July 3, 2009

I'm 63 years old and never been married. Marriage just wasn't in the cards for me. I taught 3rd grade for my entire career and have just retired and will be going on a mission to Busan, Korea.

About 20 years ago, I noticed a dramatic change in the way the Church viewed single women like me. It was a positive change and I feel accepted and like I am an integral part of the ward and Church that I belong to.

Skeptical in Sandy | 1:31 p.m. July 3, 2009

If marriage is such a terrific institution then why are fewer and fewer LDS singles choosing to get married these days?

@Gwen | 1:38 p.m. July 3, 2009

Your comment, "Non-members and members without a strong testimony do not have good conviction and have fairly shakey morals" is unfortunate and reveals, for the lack of a better word, ignorance. Good people are found everywhere and of every denomination. But, perhaps you are right in the end - Mormons should not marry outside of their faith. Life is hard enough so you might as well be in sync., as much as possible anyway, with your partner... After all, ignorance IS bliss.

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