Deseret News | Reader comments: Misperceptions about LDS singles discussed

Reader comments
Misperceptions about LDS singles discussed

Brad Prank | 8:20 a.m. Oct. 3, 2008

The author of this story would gain so much more credibility on this topic if she had personal experience being single herself. You have to be single to really understand what the single LDS (or Catholic, or Protestant, etc.) are going thru on a week to week basis. I would believe everything she ever wrote if this was her situation. Having said that, this is an excellent article.

Anonymous | 9:22 a.m. Oct. 3, 2008

She used her sources well, though. You wouldn't expect every journalist who wrote about a microbiology discovery to also be a microbiologist. And you're right, the article was good.

CTR | 10:55 a.m. Oct. 3, 2008

I have a daughter who is 29, and from the time she turned 24 people have said over and over to me that she is "too pickey" Her comment to that is "Eternity is a long time".
Watching how she is treated within the LDS wards she has lived in, I think its amazing more of these singles don't leave their church. You can say they are too sensitive all you want, but watching it first hand is interesting.
We preach compassion, but we don't show compassion.

Comments continue below

Marlene | 12:42 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

I was married 41 years and then my husband found a young divorced woman and wanted a divorce so he could marry her. I am and always will be active in the church and I go to the temple weekly. I got acquainted with a man my age who was 2nd counselor in a Branch Pres. and I thought we were getting married, but he led me on for 4 years. Now I doubt if I will ever look for another man to marry. I am putting in my mission papers and hope to serve my Heavenly Father from now on and not worry about the dating scene.

To Brad Prank | 12:44 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

Brad: Go drink a Pepsi or something. You're really coming from the "other side" in your post, arenï¿½t you! I understand the spirit of what youï¿½re saying, though. You're out of this world.

Alison | 1:08 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

Brad Prank - are you suggesting this woman was born married?! Surely she must have been a single adult at some time during her life.

Sireofmany | 1:13 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

to CTR:

You are generalizing quite a bit aren't you? Don't include me in your "we". I teach singles in institute every week. They are many ages. I don't think any less of the "30 something" singles than I do of the "20 something" singles. Being single is not a sin or in any way a failing. It is just a state of life. The spiritual level of a person is not a function of her or his marital status. Heavenly Father loves each of His children no matter what their status or station in life is.

Eternal marriage is an important and integral stage in all of Father's children's lives, but it is not the only stage and it does not alone lead to salvation and exaltation. It also does not happen on the same timeline for each child. Each will have an opportunity and only Father knows when that will happen. We all need to be patient and less judgemental of our brothers and sisters no matter what their marital status might be.

Matter of commands? | 1:19 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

Its still a command to mulitply and replenish the Earth-- (have a family). Its still a sin to do so outside of marrage. How long is a person of 30 or higher going to wait? Childbearing years are numbered. Yes we have a daughter that is 30 and have talked to her about being way to picky. She only dates once maybe every year or two. Its our duty as parents to remind her of the Lords commandment and to do it with love.

Sireofmany | 1:24 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

to Matter of commands:

Our beliefs include the understanding that the earth and marriage are eternal. Maybe some of Father's children will fulfill this commandment in the eternities and not while they are in their mortal existence. This might explain some of the childless couples out their whom you seem to imply are violating God's commands.

Another To Matter of Commands | 1:45 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER IS MUCH SMARTER THAN YOU ARE. I was single up until I was almost middle aged. When I finally married the man of my dreams, I realized that God had made me picky for a reason. Not one of the men that I dated in the past would ever compare with my husband. I have not multiplied in any manner other than years and pounds. I am now enjoying wonderful adult step-children and the best grandchildren ever. I do not, in any way, feel that I violated any commandments.

Anonymous | 1:55 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

I for one am delighted with sisters like Sheri Dew and Mary Ellen Edmunds who haven't married-yet. They show to the world that not all single women are some beastly reject. They are both spiritual, intelligent, attractive, delightful women. Pres. Monson did not serve a mission. What a comfort he must be to the worthy young men who cannot serve a mission because of physical limitations. He shows a life of service is more than just a mission. Sisters Dew and Edmunds show that service is more than marriage and motherhood.

2 matter of commands | 1:58 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

Ever hear of "teach them correct principals and let them govern themselves."? At thirty it is not your duty to remind her. Maybe she is doing her best to find a husband and the time isn't right yet. Even if she isn't, it's her life and her choice, not yours.

Sireofmany | 2:05 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

to Another to Matter of Commands:

Here! Here! I am so glad to read your comment. I think your grasp of multiplying and replenishing is very refreshing. Don't ever let short sighted people lead to you selling yourself short. You are multiplying and replenishing the lives of yourself, your spouse, step-children and grand children. Multiplying and replenishing can relate to quality of life in addition to quantity.

to Brad Prank et al. | 3:31 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

"The author of this story" (Carrie A. Moore) is a reporter at Deseret News. Her marital status isn't relevant, so you must mean the author of the book in the story...

Even so, that woman (Mary Ann Rackley) IS single. The article identifies "A single LDS attorney (Mary Ann Rackley) and her married sister (Chris Falconer)" as the subjects.

Now, according to you, she has more credibility and you can believe everything she ever wrote.

OC Surfer | 3:39 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

I like the fact that this article and comments are geared towards single women. What about the single men who face even worse stereotypes in the church?

Single guys by the age of 30 in the church are considered "gay", or childish or too immature, or not responsible. Or you must be "creepy" or have some serious emotional issues.

As single guy myself in my late 30s, I can totally see why over 50% of 30-something singles in the church who were active at age 30 in a YSA Ward, go inactive in some family ward by the time they are 34.

Guys have it worse and often go inactive more so than the women. Locally here in SoCal, often guys are repeatedly turned down on dates by the single women in the church to the point the guys look elsewhere outside the church to women who actually appreciate them. Normal high-functional guys with college degrees and stable jobs with strong testimonies.

I personally would love to get married and have a family, and I have sacrificed everything for this church. But I realize that may not be a reality for me in this life.

some truth | 7:49 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

As a YSA with all my older brothers and sisters married with children, I can honestly say the author of the article is correct. I have often felt like I'm not a "grown up" in my family because I'm not married. I know of some ysas that don't want to be in the ysa ward because of various reasons, and that's okay. I've always seen the bishops be fine with whatever ward is chosen.

Matter of Commands? - there IS a time that a parent should let go and let a child govern herself. She doesn't need her singlehood thrown in her face.

OC Surfer - guys at least can take the initiative. Girls are told contrasting things and have to deal with a weird balance of not being too forward and giving the man encouragement. You should ask women out. They'll always be flattered you thought of them.

Some Truth - Again | 7:52 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

I forgot to mention one thing - she's correct on another thing. My siblings always assume I'm not busy and ask me to baby-sit, when that is quite far from the truth. I am quite busy with work, school, hobbies and a social life.

Single too | 9:50 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

Thanks for the article. The key I think is being assertive with the other adults who are married. Being single isn't a sin, it's a circumstance. The Lord expects us to focus on the most important relationship whether we are married or single...our relationship with Him. I'm still on the young side, but I have been single longer than anyone in my immediate family. Does that change how the Church affects my life? Not really. I learn the same lessons in Church, attend the same Temple, read the same scriptures, and follow the same prophet. We as singles are just as responsible to stop alienating ourselves from the married members of the church as they have their responsibility to stop judging us. Don't let them assume you're not busy, explain it to them politely and continue in your activities. Don't let them treat you like you are immature, but share your knowledge and God-given attributes with them. We talk as if there was a divide, but even when you are married, salvation remains up to the individual. :)

Dr. Pinkwater | 10:56 p.m. Oct. 3, 2008

It's about time someone gave the right perspective. I appreciate hearing that single people are not unhappy or fretting their marital status in life. Most of the articles I read portray single people like that. I cringe reading them because I simply cannot relate. What is there to be disappointed in? That would be saying you aren't grateful for the life you have been given.

As a 33 year-old female, it's no big deal to not be married. My life is full of stuff going on. I haven't found my man. We'll meet one of these days. I feel blessed to have time to develop myself in other ways and serve those around me. I know my marital status will change all in the Lord's wise time so there is no reason to worry or feel not a part of the mainstream group.

Divorced LDS | 3:45 p.m. Oct. 4, 2008

I think many of the ideas brought up by the speaker, Mary Ann Rackley, are spot on. I was single until my late 20s, married, and now I'm divorced and not necessarily of my own choice. If you think the bias against singles is hard to deal with, just compound that by the words "failure" and trying to talk to members who don't know how to relate to you and were not part of the ward that I lived in when the divorce became a reality. Looks of pity come often. It was difficult dealing with it. My attendance and weight have both suffered. I am now attending an older single adult ward, where single sisters outnumber the men. It is, at times, a sorry sight to see. I see many members who pour their heart and time into their callings simply because their is nothing else to occupy them. The culture here in Utah is either geared towards families or (and this is only in the last 10 years) rebelling against the family status. Once you are past the average college age of mid-20s, you are looked upon as a lost or foundering ship.

Wrong choices can be avoided | 5:05 p.m. Oct. 4, 2008

Some singles made wrong choices because they felt pressured by Mission Presidents to "be married within a year" after their missions. I was one of those young elders, and was divorced because I married the first woman who showed me any attention. It was one-sided from her. To me, any marriage that is not felt truly from the heart by BOTH the man and the woman, and which is NOT equally-yoked spiritually, is going to be a challenge for either or both of them. It would behoove the younger singles, as well as those who want to "start over" to ask the 3rd party to all good marriages, the Lord Himself, to reveal to them the intentions and commitment-level of their intended spouses, and to be open to His promptings on the matter. When both the man and woman do this, with prayer and fasting, there will be unity between them and the Father, which is what the September 2008 First Presidency message on "Be One" is all about. Since marriage is the crowning event in our lives and can place us on the road to exaltation, it should intimately involve the Lord, our Father.

We need to avoid mistakes | 5:15 p.m. Oct. 4, 2008

Marriage is a serious commitment, and if approached with our hand in the hand of the Lord, can truly help us begin our journey towards exaltation. We need to avoid mistakes, and marry the right person who is at the same level, or equally-yoked with us, spiritually. When the "3rd Party" to a marriage is included by both the man and woman in the relationship, from the dating through the courtship and engagement and on into the marriage, there is a solid foundation which will allow the couple to "Be One" with Him. The "3rd Party" is our Heavenly Father. He will not only guide singles to their mate, but He will help each of them every step of the way, if they will just trust Him and take His hand...

Mother of single 40somethng | 6:20 p.m. Oct. 4, 2008

I am so proud of my daughter. I know she is appreciated in her ward in UT. She is single and lives what appears to me to be a very full life. If people are talking about her singleness she has put it out of her mind. Having joined the church as a single, divorced stepmom, I received suggestions that I be less self-sufficient so I wouldn't scare off men. My husband and I found each other at a single adult conference. It's really a matter of personal attitude, no matter what your marital status is. The old saying that "attitude determines altitude" really helps.

Sire of many has the best understanding of this whole picture.

dd | 6:27 p.m. Oct. 4, 2008

I was 39 years old in 2005 when I married my husband, who is a nonmember. He is a good man. I prayed about marring him before we did, and I felt it was the right thing to do. Sometimes it is very hard to go to Church with just my little girl(Born 2006) and sometimes I feel really out of place, especially because most of the women who have kids my daughters age are a lot younger than me. I know that members don't mean to make me feel out of place, It is just something I try not to let bother me. I know that I will be blessed for going to church, and that is where I am supposed to be. It is good to know that I am not the only one that is ging throughn this. Thank you for your article, and I want to read the book.

Richchipper | 6:29 p.m. Oct. 4, 2008

I appreciate knowing there is a group of sisters (and men) like me out there!

One thing not mentioned is that it's worse when "well-meaning" people try to make you "feel better" about being single! People who say "You'll have your Nephi in the eternities" or "Even though you don't teach your children like all women are commanded to, gosh, you still be valuable if you teach school or something".

People in my work never make me feel awkward for being single - only in church where we should feel the most accepted!

However, I know I am responsible for my own happiness. I am not a singles ward fan (even in college) so I'm in a family ward. I have served in YW and Primary presidencies for years and love it! I feel like I have purpose & learn so much.

But, I appreciate it when the elders invite me to couples activities. It's better than going to HPFE and having to sit at a table where the entire topic of conversation is diaper rash & school projects!

It's good to understand each other. Thanks for your words.

Amy | 7:52 p.m. Oct. 4, 2008

How blessed I am to have MaryAnn Rackley and Christine Falconer as my sisters-in-law. They are truly amazing Latter-day saint women!!! Mary Ann is a kind and caring individual who has an incredible testimony of the gospel. She has served a mission and is such a blessing to all she meets. Christine, Mary Ann's younger sister, is also an amazing Latter-Day saint mother and wife who loves and cherishes her two beautiful children and her wonderful, non-member husband. Both of these women have endured much isolation from many, many well meaning members of this church and yet, each of them has given back so much to the church through their loving devotion to the gospel. They are incredibly intelligent ladies who love the Lord and are excited to share their insights on what it means to be in an "atypical" position in this church. I am so proud of both of them and feel it such a blessing to be a part of their family!! Way to go gals!! Keep up the good work!!!I love you both-you are truly amazing!!

FRL | 8:14 p.m. Oct. 4, 2008

I hope my perspective at age 60 will help someone somehow. I was almost 34 years old when I married my sweetheart husband, and he had just turned 24. The age difference was some issue, but he is the oldest in his family and I am the youngest in mine--and in another sense I have never grown up. Sorry, if my example caused anyone to think that was the case with all single women.

I wasn't unhappy single, but I definitely wanted to get married. It wasn't until I really prayed "sincerely" (desperately, and impatiently) that I met my husband to be. (Of course the timing was right for him then, too.)

And I am glad for the way it all worked out. I think my age at marriage had a lot to do with not ever wanting a divorce, which sometimes happens in the best of marriages.

Anonymous | 9:37 p.m. Oct. 4, 2008

I think, more than ever, the members of the church are in tune and accepting of single members, part-member couples and other circumstances as well. Everyone is different in some way, try not to be so sensitive to everything people say and do.

single and fine | 2:20 a.m. Oct. 5, 2008

I am 32 and dating a fine man who is convert of 3 years. While I love the church and the members, I DO believe that the marrieds don't usually have a clue. I served a mission, and then had a horrible broken engagement and then was not comfortable with the men in the dating scene for awhile. I've been active in family wards. During that time I had a LOT of people treat me like I was younger then I am, like I must WANT to be in primary because I'm supposed to want to be a mother to others kids, or like I was somehow miserable. I literally had people ask "why hasn't someone snatched you up yet?" how am I supposed to answer that? They're well meaning, but completely clueless for the most part. I love the man I'm dating, if he is "the one" then he would not have been ready for me yet. I'm not sensitive to the comments of the clueless, could care less really. But I DO have to admit they ARE clueless. Loved the article.

Colleen | 4:44 a.m. Oct. 5, 2008

Everyone's life circumstances are different. We should not judge one another, be they married or not. When I was in my mid-twenties, and attending a great singles ward in SLC, the prospects for dating grew slimmer and slimmer. I heard a GA speak (can't remember which one)"if you don't like where you are sitting, change your seat". Maing it a sincere matter of prayer, I looked into employment in my field in other places, not so much to find a spouse, but to further my interests and career opportunities. I had gone through the "panic stage" when all my friends were getting married and having children, and decided I needed to just move on and try to better myself in as many areas as possible. Within about one year, I secured a position overseas and met the man whom I eventually married (another American). I know my circumstance is not common, but that is the point. Everyone's circumstance is different. The Lord has our best interests in mind. We just need to have faith, depend on him, and be happy at whatever place in life we are.

North Carolina | 10:28 a.m. Oct. 5, 2008

Hum...the article was great but some of these comments make me wonder who is judging who. I am in my 30's, served a mission, have a full-time career, and am in a family ward. I have held numerous callings and yes, I am single a single sister. I am happy with where I am at in life and have to be happy before I invite someone else into my life. Being on the east coast makes dating within the church more difficult (yes I do have expectations, not picky) and for me, to entertain dating outside the church for something that could potentially lead to marriage outside the temple is not a chance I am willing to take, unless I am directed by the spirit otherwise. As for those that are married, they love me and I them. They invite me into their families and are sincerely concerned for my well being with out being judgmental. Love each other and help each other, that is what we are here for.

OCSurfer - I am right there with you from the sister perspective. The right person at the right time in the right place.

Anonymous | 11:45 a.m. Oct. 5, 2008

I appreciated this article. I am sincerely worried however. Our religion, our church is primarily founded on marriage, finding one in this life to enter the temple and to be happy forever and ever. This is not real-life for most. Sorry. I have 2 brothers-in-law who have gone through divorces. One remarried and is now re-accepted into the social part of his church activities. My other brother-in-law remains single and is not grounded or warmly involved in his ward as much. Bring single in this church is painful for anyone. It often makes it easier to be with those outside of the church w/o those pressures to hurry, marry to "fit in." For us sisters, its even worse.I prefer my single kids to marry b4 having kids, but life is short and they want the joy of kids too. Marriage is too important to marry just because one is supposed to. We do claim as a church to be compassionate, but we also as LDS people struggle not to be judgemental and to be more compassionate with each other. I am embarrassed by those deficits. More than I can say. There needs to be changes made.

Anonymous | 11:54 a.m. Oct. 5, 2008

Please, all of you fellow LDS members responding here, remember that not all is "happily ever after" because you DO marry. In all frankness, our faith encourages our youth to marry maybe too soon, before they even know themselves who they are as people. Our Father in Heaven wants us to be truly ready for the responsibilities that being a spouse brings with it. Parenthood is another area that one must be completely, honestly ready for and marrying too young, unequipped with knowing oneself or anything is irresponsible and disloyal to our future children. As a mom of 9, I can say this with experience. Blessedly for me, I have an amazing husband who supports me and me him. This is not a given however. I know more LDS families who have been destroyed by divorce because of marrying too young...being single for awhile is not something to be ashamed of. I have met many LDS who should NOT marry...maybe ever...

Anonymous | 12:06 p.m. Oct. 5, 2008

Just reading over these responses, makes my point. And I am so sad...Too many single LDS adults, regardless of where they are age-wise, are burdened with the extra concern of being single in our church. This is not fair and depletes the joy and focus that anyone should have just in enjoying their respective lives.

OCSurfer--I have four adult children, two of which live at home. First of all, I commend you for staying true to what you hold dear. My oldest child tried diligently to stay involved with her ward and even was engaged, but things did not work out. She is not active now and I am not sure when or if she will be anytime soon. It is up to Our Father in Heaven and I am ok with that. Our second child is married to a non-LDS church member and he is now not active himself. Our other 2 kids are not active either due to social and church pressures. I still hold my gaze upward and know that I raised them the best of my ability. Date...and not just in the church. You will find what you are looking for.

Marge | 5:58 p.m. Oct. 5, 2008

What a pitty it is to find out that, we, singles everywhere have to go through additional trials and tribulations because of marital status. I live in another country, and dearly wanted a Temple marriage since I was in my teens. While in college (in Utah), I had the wonderful opportunity to attend to single's wards, but we do not have any in my country. Probably because they would have very strong Relief Societies and very weak Priesthood organizations.

Now in my late fifties, despite of having been active always and having fullfilled a mission, I might not have a mate here on earth. I feel peace in my heart, though.

I'm thankful for Elder Nelson's words today about marriage and those who remain single. He mentioned, if I'm not mistaken, we will be judged by the desires of our hearts and deeds; and also that we will be blessed and granted everything accordingly. [D+C1:38] :)

Doug | 7:36 p.m. Oct. 5, 2008

If you feel out of place as a Single adult in Utah or elsewhere than please come to Northern Michigan. We need all the good people we can get our hands on out here. WE will welcome you with open arms and gratefully welcome your companionship in serving the Lord. I've never lived in Utah, but it sure sounds like you all have way too much time on your hands. You obviously don't know what it means to meet in the local school for church and to have to set up and break down chairs, tables, and podiums every Sunday. It sounds like singles are taken for granted in Utah, here we're just glad to have them in our midst.

MELITA | 10:23 p.m. Oct. 5, 2008

As a member married to a non-member, I definately relate to the article. I'm thankful to know that I'm not alone in my daily struggles.
As a mom of a college teen, WOW, I didn't know or realize that they're are wards out there that would treat their fellow members in such a way. My answer to that is, remember the golden rule brothers and sisters!

Sireofmany, thanks for your kind reality check to matter of commands. I was FORTUNATE to have 1 child. I most likely would've had 6 or 8 if I could've, unfortunately this was not the case. Thanks for reminding me that our life ia an eternal one & that I do have something to look foreward to.

North Carolina, thanks for the "expectation not picky" comment.

GREAT READ!

Everybody get a grip! | 11:42 p.m. Oct. 5, 2008

Why don't we all stop looking at each other 'through a glass darkly' and thinking that everyone has it better than you do. The grass really isn't greener on the other side of the fence! Bloom where you are planted -get over it - stop taking yourself so seriously - enjoy YOUR life and do what your Heavenly Father wants YOU to do, not your mother or your friends.
Being married is also hard - you are expected to have the 'perfect' marriage (as viewed and judged by singles) or there are comments about how we have problems. We have a daughter (23) and single and scared to get married because she doesn't think she can add up to what her friends think the 'perfect'
marriage is.
We have also been rudely rebuffed by singles when we have tried to include them in our activities, so I have a hard time when you say you don't feel welcome in family wards.
We are all children of a loving Heavenly Father - be accepting and equally loving.
And most of all - it goes both ways.

Anonymous | 8:08 a.m. Oct. 6, 2008

There is nothing anyone can tell me about being single in the Church. I finally married late in life to an absolutely wonderful, perfect man.

The biggest problem in the single Church is that there are not nearly enough worthy men for the worthy women and many of the men who are "active" are COMMITMENTPHOBICS. I don't care how much these guys acts like they are trying to find a mate. Most of them are just messing around with women, leading them on and playing with their emotions. These guys are just plaint too selfish to love anybody. IT'S REALLY SICKENING.

These men are not only jeopardizing their eternal progression, they are keeping others from being married and children from being born into the Church. It's really hard to have much respect for the Priesthood when you live in a singles ward. Thank goodness I met my husband and can now truly respect and honor the Priesthood within my own home now.

There--someone finally told the truth.

Anonymous | 8:47 a.m. Oct. 6, 2008

Wow, I've been divorced for about 10 years now and have never felt excluded. I might feel lonely from time to time, but when I do, I think to myself, this could probably happen whether I was married or not and try to reach out to others instead of waiting for them to reach out to me. I'm always met with love and friendship. We all have different situations to work through whether married or single and as the song goes, "We're all in this together."

April | 12:16 p.m. Oct. 6, 2008

I was married to a non-member who joined the church, left the church, divorced me. I was a single parent for 17 years and felt I would Never get married again. Then I married a widower. I've lived all over the world during my adulthood. Consequently, I feel like I've gotten a pretty thorough view of being single in the church.

While my divorce was finalized, I lived in a ward where the husband of a sister died. That sister was loved and sheltered in the arms of the ward. She was prayed for in meetings, she was invited on group activities, and eventually, was offered great men to date. I was ignored.

While some wards were open and loving, most places I lived within the Mormon community (Utah, Idaho, Arizona and sometimes California) were not. People who were most cold toward me were those who seemed most insecure in their own marriage, to whom I represented their worst nightmare.

The treatment of single saints, just as the treatment of saints of different races, is a sign of Mormonism as a social and cultural habit rather than Mormonism as a deeply felt true religion.

Single Mom with Young Child | 2:03 p.m. Oct. 6, 2008

Being single now for almost 4 years and in my early thirties, it is awkward to go to church, and even more difficult when my daughter is with her father. Members where I live did not know me when I was married, and their first assumption is that I have always been single and got pregnant out of wedlock, which was not the case. I do feel excluded from other families with kids my daughter's age because I am not married. Also, most all of the singles in the ward are 50+, so they are not in my time of life. I don't feel that I fit in with the singles, or the families.
Being single in the church is awkward.

Add your comment

Comments are monitored. Any comments found to be abusive, offensive, off-topic, misrepresentative, more than 200 words or containing URLs will not be posted.

Words Remaining

E-mail address: For internal use only. We may want to contact you to publish your comment (not your e-mail address) in the newspaper or for a separate story idea.