Deseret News | Reader comments: Early 20s too young to marry

Reader comments
Readers' forum: Early 20s too young to marry

Anonymous | 1:04 a.m. May 27, 2008

I married late, too. Sometimes I'm inclined to agree that waiting was better, sometimes not.

One downside you'll find, Emily - when that first kid comes along, all that energy you burned up in late night parties is the energy you could've used taking care of an infant. It gets harder with age...

Not your business | 7:16 a.m. May 27, 2008

Good for you that you are happy you waited. But your in the same cartegory as those you said gave you 'peer presure' marriage is up to the individuals involved and each has to make their own choice, so please don't give me a letter filled with your double standards please.

lamonte | 7:18 a.m. May 27, 2008

Emily - I'm sure your advice is good advice - for you. No one should ever feel they "have to" get married just because someone is putting social pressure on you to so. The only reason you should get married is because you are ready to do so.

On the other hand, I want to point out that in some circumstances getting married young is not wrong or bad. 34 years ago in my little little home town in Idaho, getting married shortly after high school was not uncommon. I married my wife just one week after my 20th birthday and she turned 20 a month later. We have raised four sons and now have three dughters-in-law and will have our fifth grandchild late this summer. None of them has turned into an ax murderer - yet - and all of them seem to be on their way to great things. I'm just sayin'.

Comments continue below

Pointless | 7:52 a.m. May 27, 2008

It is pointless to make blanket statements about when it is ok to marry, except for those who are underage. I married early in my early 20s. My wife and I were both mature enough, have finished graduate level educations and built a happy life.

There are very good reasons to marry early in life. One of them is if you would like to have children. The risks to children born to older mothers increase exponentially with each passing year. Women's bodies are meant to have children in their 20's. Down Syndrome is an example. The ratio of Down Syndrome pregnancies to normal pregnancies at a maternal age of 20-24 is 1/1400. At age 34 the ratio is 1/325. At age 39 the ratio is 1/100. Of course we would all love a child no matter what challenges they have, but giving birth when older increases the chances of problems.

I love my children, but won't mind when they are grown and out of the house when I am at the height of my earning potential and still have the energy to do a few things. Can you imagine how much fun a teenager with elderly parents has?

Anonymous | 7:56 a.m. May 27, 2008

Every girl I have ever known that has the opinion of this letter writer has told me when they were in their 40's that they really blew it by waiting so long....

DBG | 8:06 a.m. May 27, 2008

Sounds like the writer was not ready to marry in the first place. Both my wife and I were married in our early 20's, had our first chld in about a year. I do not regret this one bit.

Some people are ready to marry young, others are not. Certainly by today's standard, many in their 20's are still immature and do need to "discover" themselves.

And ten years later: Still acting like newlyweds!

Evidence | 8:18 a.m. May 27, 2008

Show me some evidence that marrying in the early 20s is worse than "waiting" and marrying in your early 30s. To write a letter of opinion and tell everyone who does marry early that they are doing the wrong thing is ridiculous

Blanket Statement | 8:37 a.m. May 27, 2008

Emily-I believe that each marriage should be left to each individual. I was married at 21, my wife was also 21. Together we have been able to complete my graduate work, find a great job, and raise three wonderful daughters. I feel that my life thus far has been fulfilling and joyful. I love my girls and wouldn't trade any other "life experiences" for the ones I have been gaining with my family.

Some people choose to marry late, good for them! Others choose to marry early...more power to them as well!

CB | 8:50 a.m. May 27, 2008

Have to agree with Pointless, was married just a month short of my 21st birthday. Next month we will have been married 51 years, raised 5 children and have had, what most marriages have, our trials and tribulations along with those supreme moments of unbelievable 'togetherness'. Does it get easier with the years, no.
Sometimes your greatest triumph is overcoming the challenges that you face, together. My loving companion often quotes to me, "Grow old with me, the best is yet to be", and so it is.

pre-teen bride | 9:28 a.m. May 27, 2008

We don't allow teens to vote until age 18, and in many states they can't drink until age 21. What purpose is served by allowing marriage before age 18? Probably to legitimize a teen pregnancy. We don't want our teens to find out about sex, but when one gets pregnant, make it seem "normal" by rushing them off to marriage.

The point is..... | 10:01 a.m. May 27, 2008

.....age doesn't really matter. When you find the right person, it will work. Whether you find that person when you're 20 or 30 or 40 doesn't matter. Many studies have shown this to be true - search the internet. Divorce rates are the same regardless of the age at which people marry.

I always said I'd wait to get married. Then when I was 23 I met Ms. Right - we were married a year later. And we've been crazy in love for 30 years and several kids since then. Should I have strung her along (or cast her off) because in someone's opinion I was too young to get married?

So to make a blanket statement about the "proper" age for marriage is disingenious. When it happens, it happens and there's nothing you can do about it. By waiting until a certain age, the right person for you may have already come and gone and you were oblivious to the whole thing.

Speak for yourself | 10:36 a.m. May 27, 2008

Waiting until well into your 30's may have been best for you. That doesn't mean it is best for everyone.

This is up to the couple, not outsiders (who think they know what is right for everyone) to decide. Commitment and maturity are much more important factors in determining which marriages will succeed and which will not (people mature and are able to be commited at different ages).

Willie | 10:36 a.m. May 27, 2008

Utah is the only place I've lived where there is pressure to get married ASAP (usually after returning from a mission) and start cranking out babies.

In the real world, people are developing themselves before they start developing children. There is more to life than being an incubator for the wishes of family and friends.

Married at 19 | 11:22 a.m. May 27, 2008

Emily, Your mistake in marriage was not marrying too young, but marrying due to pressure to get married. One should marry when they feel the time is right, not when society dictates is the "proper" age. Once a person reaches adulthood, it is no one's business when they should or should not marry. I married young, but I would say it's not for everyone. I absolutly can't stand when strangers tell me it was a mistake. It has not and will never be a mistake for me. I've appreciated the 8 years I've had with my husband and should something happen that destroys our marriage, it will not be due to my age at marriage. It will be due to us not working on the relationship, a problem that can happen to anyone at any age.

David V. Bartosiewicz | 11:33 a.m. May 27, 2008

I agree with the developmental part of the soul. If an 18-20 year old gets married, first of all they don't know themselves and secondly they are just about to leap to independence from their family. Tell me why is it good for a young girl to leap into marriage before she even knows herself? Isn't it much better to have that individual develop her independence first and figuring out who she is before going into a dependent relationship? I am for the young woman and believe many are being deceived here.

Joe Moe | 12:24 p.m. May 27, 2008

I think individuals should wait until close to retirement before getting married. It's a big world, and so many things to do, one ought to take time and really explore oneself and the world. When they have financial independence and finally really know who they are and what they want, they can get married.

Mike Richards | 1:52 p.m. May 27, 2008

How many of the "young men" who want the young women to wait until they are older, are hoping to be able to teach those young woman about sex?

No one is fully developed educationally, emotionally and spiritually at any particular age. We develop in each area when we see the need to grow. I, for instance, will never be socially mature. That's a fact. The thought of carrying on a conversation with anyone, except a very close friend, is enough to make me hide in a closet. I'm 58 years old. If I were 108 years old, that particular problem would probably still exist.

A bird flies when it has confidence enough to leave the nest. A young man or a young woman knows when it is time to leave the nest.

To expect a young man or a young woman to leave the nest and then explore themselves, their feelings and their sexual desires for a number of years - without responsibility - is a recipe for disaster.

Notwithstanding my own social immaturity, we, as humans, work best in a secure family-oriented environment.

Marry when you are ready to leave the nest.

Ask the expert | 4:15 p.m. May 27, 2008

Dr. Laura Schesinger is the one to call for advice as she is an expert on subject. Her advice too, is a minimum of 18 months of dating.

Mike Richards | 5:37 p.m. May 27, 2008

There is a Spirit that guides those who are willing to follow that shows the path of life. Through the guidance of that Spirit, the unknown becomes known. Some call the action of listening to that Spirit and then following the promptings received from that source as Faith.

Those who follow those promptings find their way through the vicissitudes of life. If my life is any indication, I can say that, when compared to a trip down a river, that there are many, many rapids and many, many sections of the river where, if it were possible, one would detour. But, traveling through life teaches us how to travel through life. Being married, if the goal is to sacrifice self for the good of the family (everyone, not just the husband or the wife or the children), allows each of us to become all that we can become.

Those who ignore the promptings of that Spirit, or who don't seek it in the first place, are on their own. Personally, I would much rather have a Guide help me through life than try to do it on my own.

Each to their own | 9:09 p.m. May 27, 2008

I think that waiting until the 30's to have sex is definately too long. So for me, to say I must wait until my 30's to marry is equal to telling me to have sex before marriage.

Each to heir own.

re Ask the expert | 4:15 p.m | 9:14 p.m. May 27, 2008

Dr Laura says to be engaged for 18 months before marriage. She says to not get re-married if you have minor children. She told a wife who wanted to join the army to go Iraq, it was her decision even though her husband didn't want her too. She says not to have sex without benefit of marriage.

I can take all of those things except the last, or I can take the last but not the rest of those things.

I can't take them all.

Sorry Dr. Laura

Definately Wait | 9:22 p.m. May 27, 2008

Everyone should wait to get married until they have seen at least 5 of the 7 continents, have a college degree and are successful in their career. They should be well read and have a good education in the classics.

Notice I didn't say this was a good idea for some, I said NOT ANYONE.

David Bartosiewicz | 9:53 p.m. May 27, 2008

The reason I wrote the initial editorial was not to show dishonor or respect for marriage but to let people know that I believe young woman who are 18 and "no matter how mature they are" are not that mature enough to make a committment to marriage. This is not about the spirit or God it's really about living by yourself and enjoying your own skin first and figuring what you're made of before being with a guy. I disagree with everyone who thinks otherwise. I don't believe many young woman (age 18-21) truly understand the sense of that choice and decision and the repercussions of it.

Missed out | 9:56 p.m. May 27, 2008

I waited until I was almost 27 to get married. Not because I wanted to but because that is when my prince came along. Of course I got to do things that I don't know if I would have been able to do had I gotten married earlier, however more than anything I am sad that I missed out on so many years that I could have spent with him. I feel like I wasted the best years of my life with other guys, back when I had more energy and looked young and vibrant.

So I say, when you find your prince or princess, it shouldn't matter how old you are, just do what feels right and enjoy.

David | 9:56 p.m. May 27, 2008

Truly what's wrong with waiting until your 21 or so? Nothing. Realistically it has a lot to do with the real issue, Sex.

Emily Webb | 11:32 p.m. May 27, 2008

I too feel cheated because I wasted so much time on frogs and toads and I finally found my prince. I am glad that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I just was responding to a letter saying I agreed with him. Waiting to marry is a good thing if you are waiting for the right guy. And I know that I missed out on good child bearing years and energy years but the truth is I am healthier now than I was in my early 20's I have a lot to look forward too. I am not going to Judge when people get married nor am I going to dictate that. I just think waiting is good if you do not know yet who you are and what your standards are. Self Discovery is a good thing. With and with out a partner. I just am saddened because 50% of my friends who married in their early 20's are not divorced single parents. I am lucky in that regard. Forever is for as long as it lasts... And I think that is where I am lucky. I know my forever.. I love him !

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