Comments about ‘Utah couple learned recovery from porn addiction is possible’

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Published: Friday, Sept. 24 2010 9:00 a.m. MDT

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VocalLocal
Bountiful, UT

I am sad that the Deseret News has decided to address this issue as if there is no debate. There are plenty of psychologists who feel pornography only becomes destructive when it is mixed with religious beliefs which instill guilt on the user and feelings of justified jealousy in the part of the non-using spouse.

roqson
Payson, UT

I am so tired of people blaming religion here. This is a problem that trancends religious bounds. Do you think that since the DN talks about it in a state dominated by religion that it only affects religious people? Women everywhere are encountering the same problems mentioned here: the emotional disconnect, the hiding, the objectification of women as sex toys. These are symptoms across the board, and you want to blame it on religion? Wht about all the serial and wife-killers who have porn in their backgrounds? How about all the reseach that is out there showing that the morals religion has - i.e. no sex before marriage,healthy sex after marriage, fidelity in marriage - lead to a much happier and fulfilled life, a heathier self-esteem, and stronger families? Look at our kids, especially in college, and their behaviors; are those the behaviors of healthy human beings readying themselves for a life of strong interpersonal relationships that last and have connectivity? The "plenty of psychlolgists" that you mention are all probably atheist/secularists who already have a bias toward religion. Look at what is unversal instead of tossing your blinders at us demanding we see your viewpoint.

jcmom
Sandy, UT

@VocalLocal-What would you expect from an LDS Church owned newspaper? This is too broad of a topic to be addressed from every angle possible. Should religious people abandon their religious befiefs so that their porn viewing then becomes OK? If they are religious, and they do feel guilt, then there is a problem.

Judy Gilmore
Centerville, UT

My son needed help with his addiction to pornography. He had left our faith and was an atheist, which he still is now, four years later.
There is a program called Sons of Helaman, started by Maurice Harker, that is a cognitive behavioral program, rather than a 12 step program. It is based on principles taught by the LDS church, as you can tell by the name. This is a program for young men who are of the LDS faith.

My son, who came to realize that pornography was harming his relationship with his girlfriend, even though both of them had left their different religions, asked me if I thought Maurice would help him without bringing religion into the therapy.
Maurice worked with him individually, rather than in one of the groups for young men, and was able to teach the skills to my son that have enabled him to feel in control of his thoughts and to deal successfully with something that had been taking over his life.
My son has recommended this method to others who he knows are dealing with this problem.
This method is another avenue of help to many men and women.



AZRods
Maricopa, AZ


What's to debate? All you have to do is talk to a man or woman whose spouse has a pornagraphy addiction, and you will quickly learn that it has nothing to do with religion, but that it can and does destroy marriages and families.
If so called experts don't see that as sad and destructive, then they are measuring with the wrong device.

john in az
tempe, az


I am still waiting for DN to present an article about woman who view pornographic material. Woman do. I know several LDS woman who have struggled with this issue.

I agree with vocallocal to a degree. Consider the article yesterday. The "study" claimed 70% of the woman felt a certain way. There were 25 participant, 15 are LDS, 70% of 25 is 17, so all the LDS felt a certain way.

The religious world inevitable will have to develop its own "science" when it comes to many things. pornography and homosexuality being two of them. The religious world is and will have to created its own studies that are contradicted by t he secular world.

c00kster
Provo, Utah

As I mentioned in an earlier comment today (which somehow never got published), this series of articles on pornography seems to be designed to support the new DN website that is focused on women who have suffered due to pornography. While we have hijacked the threads to a certain degree, the intent of the series was not to provide a forum for broadly discussing porn. (Thursday's article is a good example in that it was about women's feelings but all that got discussed in the 60+ comments was other aspect of pornography.)

I've met Steven Croshaw and am impressed with SA Lifeline (dot org) and what they are doing to help those who desire to break the porn habit. I hope that these articles and the new DN website for women will help healing take place and facilitate better relationships.

ladybug on the leaf
Provo, UT

Mankind's (not womankind) propensity for using porn has devastated my estimation of men in general.

Trust is essential in marriage---but how am I supposed to show that I trust my husband at the same time I inquire about whether he's a spectator of smut?

DixieMan73
Washington, UT

How easy it is to intellectualize this issue. Can you imagine how this affects this man's children? The affect on the women he objectified and used for his personal satisfaction? The time he could have been using to create long-lasting family memories and bond with his children. His decisions will trickle down through generations, and affect how his own sons and daughters interact with their spouses and children. A family environment of lies, deceit, and co-dependency will affect his descendants for years to come. How much of life was squandered?! He appears to be sincere going forward, but so much damage is irreversible.

Oregon Ute
Hermiston, OR

There is no debate as to whether pronography is destructive. This article mentions a study back east that proves it and there are many more studies that have come to the same conclusions. Fact is pornography is harmful to society. If our government leaders are so concerned about our health that they will tax cigarettes and alcohol, soda pop and candy why not put regulations on pornography that make it extremely difficult to get. I would even say that pornography is worse for you than smoking. Just brainstorming here.

Levi
Seattle, WA

Recovery from a LOT of things is possible.

David B.
Cedar City, UT

I like to look at beautiful women but not in this format.I won't deny I've seen a few pic's over the years.Sexual behavior should remain where it should be,in the bedroom not exploiting it!

Joggle
Clearfield, UT

Contrary to my defending pornograpyhy statements....I feel sympathetic toward those women who struggle with porn obsessiveness with their spouse and hope their struggle with the problem in their relationship will be healed. However, I think they are wrong to totally blame pornography instead of realizing that porn is a symptom of much deeper problems within the relationship, person, or couple. Many can't seem to accept that so they blame porn for their problems expecting their relationship to magically be healed once it is eliminated. People need to recognize underlying emotions such as anxiety, stress, conflicts (including sexual and religious conflicts), anger, worry, loneliness, resentment, rejection, performance anxiety, intimacy issues, depression, bipolar disorders, obsessive-compulsive behavior, & so forth are contributing factors or MAIN forces in the abuse of porn as an outlet. Stop blaming porn for the entire problem. If other problems are not addressed you will probably not see a successful outcome. Behaviours are mostly learned and linked to inner believes and emotions and bad behaviours are almost always symptoms of some deeper problems.

As adults we are responsible for our choices and behavior and should put blame where it belongs....on ourselves....not totally on the pornography.

jcmom
Sandy, UT

DixieMan73-How right you are. I can't begin to tell you the effects pornography use has had on my husband's family and on my husband. My husband's father has recently come out to the family that this has been a problem in his life for 60 years. It explains the emotional withholding with his family, and the emotional withholding behavior that he has modeled for his own son.

jasonlivy
Orem, UT

I find some of these comments disheartening. There is no debate here! Pornography is a vial, ugly epidemic that is so widespread that everyone is a possible victim. To hear it being defended is downright insulting! It is far to pervasive to ignore any more. These articles and the recent attention put on porn addiction are as necessary as any terror alert or extreme weather warning. It is currently destroying lives, ruining marriages, and destroying souls! Is there a more urgent problem we are currently facing today?

We must be engaged in the fight to keep it from our lives! As the article says, we need to roll up our sleeves, not wring our hands! The only way we are to keep it from our spouses and children (that which is the most important to us) is to combat it at every turn. If not, it will find it's way in.

Thank you, Deseret News, for the Rallying Cry!

VocalLocal
Bountiful, UT

I will add that I shouldn't have said it becomes destructive ONLY when mixed with religion. Yes, there are those regardless of their beliefs whose use of this material becomes excessive and disruptive to every day life and their relationships. This is true of any pleasure inducing activity-whether intimacy with one's own spouse or eating chocolate-any such activity can be done in excess and become problematic socially.

However it seems that compulsive use of this material is all too often driven by religious obsession and shame-driven secrecy. Thus I am not surprised to see Utah at the top of all states in pornography subscriptions.

charlie91342
Sylmar, CA

I am not going to "defend" porn. I'm not saying porn is a good thing. but it's a free country and adults should be able to do what they want. it seems like many posters on the issue would like porn banned like in Iran. but porn isn't the problem - adults that have no self control is the problem. and when you combine that with the intense guilt brought on by religion, you have a devestating mix.

I also wan to add that although no one wants to admit it, if the spouse opened up their view on sex, a lot of the problems would go away. this will probably be censored, but the fact is guys (even religious ones) want their wife to be a lady everywhere, except the bedroom. there, they want the oposite. and most ladies won't loosen up in private. for whatever reason, it is "sinful" to do anything except basic activities. (moderator - I'm trying to be polite here, pls let this post go through.)

so porn isn't good, but not nearly as bad as you all make it out to be, and more excitement from the spouse helps.

Joggle
Clearfield, UT

The question whether watching pornography is healthy or not depends on who sees it, what pupose it serves, and how they handle it.

When is Porn healthy?

When you watch it as a sexual release.
When there is a healthy curiosity.
When you watch it along with your partner or when consenting adults are involved.
When it is used as a medium to release stress or enhance a relatonship.

When is Porn unhealthy?

When porn has taken control over your life.
When you prefer porn over your partner.
When porn is all you think of.
When you cannot distinguish between reality and fiction

Conclusion: Watching pornography is not bad as long as you know it is not the ‘real thing’ and you don’t replace it with the ‘real thing’!

Saying that it is currently destroying lives, ruining marriages, and the destroying souls of ALL people as many here seem to indicate without realizing it can be a healthy outlet for others is narrow-minded.

If porn is a problem for you, your partner, and your relationship then I sympathize with you, but to say it is a problem for everybody is FALSE.

Keith43
Littleton, CO

Joggle,
I agree with your first post, except for the fact that you need to reverse the process. Pornography is an outward expression of the character weaknesses and/or defects you listed. But, people with a sexual addiction have no clue what those defects are until they start working through an addiction recovery program. Only then, do they come to understand what's driving the addiction. Great overview - thanks!

KJB1
Eugene, OR

Let me something clear: if one spouse is unhappy with the other's, then yes, that's a problem. If a partner promises that (s)he will stop using and continuing to do so, yes, that's a problem. There is plenty of potential for abuse in porn, just like there is in alcohol, exercise, eating vegetables, or even religion. But to proclaim that *every single person* who uses porn has "defects" and is bound to destroy their family, job, and happiness is just wrong, and that's what my main problem with this series (and forums) have been.

Freedom of speech doesn't just mean freedom of speech that you like. Part of what makes America America is the right that consenting people have to do and say things that you dislike, just as long as it doesn't harm anyone else (and not in an oblique God-will-judge-you way.) You can believe whatever you like, but you don't get to force others to follow those beliefs.

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