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DMC launches 'Out in the Light: women uniting against pornography'

Published: Sunday, Sept. 19 2010 1:19 a.m. MDT

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heidi ho
Fort Collins, CO

My husband has dealt with sexual addiction the entire time of our almost 30 years of marriage. I had to get help for myself and learn to not hold him in resentment. He has a disease. But he is a child of God. I go to S-Anon which is for partners of men who are in sexaholics anonymous which is a 12 step group for sex addicts. It has not been an easy road. But I was abused by my dad so was attracted to men that were unavailable to me emotionally and who were addicted to sex. This is a famiy disease and if the family does not receive help, the disease becomes generational and chronic. I have seen women who have not recognized their patterns of being a victim (usually having been sexually abused) divorce their sex addict husbands, just to marry or be in a relationship quickly again to another sex addict. We are co-dependent and sick ourselves. Unless I develop a relationship with God and heal that broken inner child, I will continue my pattern of neediness, co-depenency and victimization.

S.Andrew Zaelit
Salt Lake City, UT

Perhaps this should be part one of a three installment story. This is a difficult topic for all involved but there can be hope for the future. May God bless those who are fighting to make it through each day.

mecr
Bountiful, UT

I commend Deseret News for publishing this article. I am looking forward for the series. I was married to a man who cheated from day 1. When I found he had been sleeping with several women, I asked him to change or leave. He chose the second. I waited for a change but nothing happened. My mother in-law told me "you should be patience. my husband was the same and now look at us together". That scared me. I didn't want my children make their future spouses miserable as I was. So, I divorced him. Raising my children by myself was not easy, but they are healthy, good children. I remarried a good man and if I compare my two marriages, it's like the night and day. I believe it's on us, the victims, to cut the deal, to break the chain, not only for us, but for our children. It may look like a sacrifize but at the end, it was not. And yes, my ex-busband still cheats on his now wife.

Nebraska
Offutt AFB, NE

Once again, the man is the 'big bad evil'. Pornography is also made, viewed, enjoyed and causes addiction in women also. This is especially true for young women who are now quickly rising in the number of sexual crimes committed by women.

Yes, Porno is bad, it does cause addiction that is very difficult for families to deal with, but don't focus on only the men. Women do it too.

Joggle
Clearfield, UT

Pornography is only a problem when it becomes habitual, and diverts a person from developing a loving, personal and intimate relationship with their spouse or signifcant other. Contrary to what many believe, pornography can be healthy in a relationship. Most people think of pornography in the seediest of terms, however not all material is like that. Pornography as part of a healthy relationship can add to that relationship if it is mutually experienced and openly discussed. So long as you are talking you are keeping your relationship open and may very well learn about your partner's likes and dislikes as well as your own. Before dismissing all pornography as evil one must consider that in many relationships it can be beneficial. It isn't necessarily the material that is bad, it is the abuse of it that is bad.

Religion itself can be viewed as harmful as pornography when it requires the repression of normal sexual function and promotes guilt which leads to a dysfunctional view of sex and lack of intimacy with their partner.

This article is very one-sided and doesn't address all sides of the issue of porography.

Jenn
Holladay, Utah

As I read this article I felt I had to add my comments that not all men are addicted to Pornography. Women can be too. Being sexually abused as a child and submitted to pornography I too am drawn to this evil. Although I don't consider it an addiction my vices are sexual and love addiction of which I am in recovery. However, in losing my marriage to it and wanting a change of heart I turned to therapy and an amazing book called HE RESTORETH MY SOUL by Donald Hilton M.D.. I also go to a 12 step program each week that the L.D.S. Church provides. I have found that each day is a choice choosing between freedom of heart and mind or staying in the chains of bondage. This experience has made me a stronger person and helps me realize that even good people can stumble but if they choose they can use their stumbling blocks into stepping stones of recovery.

jshimizu
Cottonwood Heights, UT

THANK YOU for writing this article. families that are in this situation can take great comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

  • 11:20 a.m. Sept. 19, 2010
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VocalLocal
Bountiful, UT

Utah State University recently did research on pornography addiction and found once those addicted accepted the pornography use and stopped wrapping their pornography use in religious guilt which demonized the activity they actually started using the pornography less and less. Yes, there is sexual addiction and there are those that regardless of the belief system will engage in sexual activities that are harmful to themselves and others but demonizing sexuality and pornography will only give addiction the fuel of guilt.

malwambiwamba
Provo, UT

Dear VocalLocal,

That study sounds fascinating! I tried to find it online, but I couldn't. Do you have a link or reference?

The Caravan Moves On
Enid, OK

I predict 'Joggle' is in for a rough and painful road...

KJB1
Eugene, OR

Saying that pornography is inherently dangerous is like saying that anybody who drinks a glass of wine is bound to become a raging alcoholic. Sure, porn can be abused just like anything else, but I agree with Joggle and VocalLocal: much of the "damage" it causes comes from the guilt and the secrecy that people surround it with. As for myself, me and my wife occasionally indulge and we've actually found that it has improved our relationship. The inability and unwillingness to open is what destroys marriages, not pictures on a screen.

Otis Spurlock
Ogden, UT

Moderation in all things. Good advice then and great advice now.

Joggle
Clearfield, UT

@The Caravan Moves On

I have already traveled down a long and winding road for many years and it has for the most part been a happy experience! I've already experienced much of life and have seen the guilt religion inflicts on a person's sexuality that drives them to porn rather than away from it. Your lack of talent as a predicter is very apparent! Instead of attacking me personally....perhaps you should think about presenting a reasonable argument!

Mayfair
Claremore, OK


re: The Caravan Moves On

I predict Joggle's wife or girlfriend is in for a much rougher and much more painful road...

ReidPhD
Beverly Hills, CA

Study reference by VocalLocal was conducted by Dr Michael Twohig and Jesse Crosby. It's titled "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy as a Treatment for Problematic Internet Pornography Viewing" and was published in the scientific journal Behavior Therapy, Volume 10, pp. 285-295. It was published this year, 2010.

malwambiwamba
Provo, UT

Dear ReidPhD,

Thanks so much for posting the reference!

CCB
Orem, UT

I agree with joggle. In every case I have heard of where pornography destroyed a family or marriage, it was always because the involved person was doing it in secret and not letting the other person know about it. Pornography, if viewed and discussed openly in a relationship and NOT in secret is not a harmful thing to said relationship. What destroys families is when one person engages in an activity deemed evil in secret and never comes forward about it.

Alfred
Tucson, AZ

Dr. Laura Schlesinger, the noted author, radio talk show host, and psychiatrist stated: "If there are problems in the marriage bedroom look for the result as either divorce or pornography."

Truer words were never spoken.

truecougar
Lehi, UT

As someone who is susceptible to this type of addiction I'd like to make a couple of points. My addiction is likely not to the level discussed by some of the unfortunate women highlighted in the article.
1)Hiding the addiction from my partner is the most cutting aspect of the addiction. I have had many discussions with her about this and those have been the #1 best solution for me. Her understanding and continual help is priceless.
2)Those who feel that pornography is okay in marriage are really undermining the institution and sanctity of marriage.
3)Addiction to pornography is very real and very difficult to overcome. It is much better never to get involved than to deal with the consequences--even if it is done with our marital partners.
4)Pornography is a vice just as alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs are. It is a tool of those who seek to prey on others to make money. We see lighter forms of it in every aspect of our society.
5)Sex is good. Marriage relationships are even better. We should never consider trading our most valuable relationships for anything. Here lies the problem of pornography.

The Caravan Moves On
Enid, OK

Re: CCB's comment @ 2:07:

No, what destroys families is evil, not just "guilt". (It sounds like you believe guilt is 'always' bad. You don't talk much to your conscience anymore?, or have you turned that off?)

So what is evil?

Simple, anything that moves us away from God. If it encourages you to believe in Him, obey Him, love Him, serve Him and His children, then it is of God. If it has the opposite effect it is not.

Pornography does none of those things and anyone who is honest knows this.

Yes, the women shown in pornography are visually attractive (and there's nothing wrong with physical attractiveness) but the bigger portion of "beaty" and "goodness" involve more than physical attractiveness.

Good luck.

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