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Secret shame: Lifelong impact — Victims, families, society cope with effects of abuse
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Abuse Crisis | 6:46 a.m. March 18, 2008
This type of abuse is truly atrocious and saddening. Those with children have to
be suspicious of everyone and must be sure to openly explain what constitutes
abuse to now even their toddlers. We also need to be more sympathetic to
victims, giving a listening ear and helping them as much as we can. It is
shocking what we choose not to except as a problem, not just in Utah, but
throughout the world. Thanks goes to those who assisted in putting these
articles together and who support getting the truth out to the public so we can
better prepare for and counter this growing tradegy.
Anonymous | 6:42 a.m. March 18, 2008
That was a really good comment, Unprepared.
Comments continue below
Thanks. | 6:58 a.m. March 18, 2008
It's good to bring this horrible things out. This is a good reversion from
the current mess Bush has lead our nation in to.
Still Concerned | 7:44 a.m. March 18, 2008
I know for a fact that Utah is NOT doing what it should in releasing convicted
sex offenders from prison. Between trying to "save money", believing
those up for parole when they are counciled in prison and joining the idiotic
"rehabiitators", tax money is spent on prison "treatment"
and after release these UNrehabilitated, lieing "actors" are NOT
"watched" as closely as the public deserves.
PARENTS & FAMILIES raise people. If mistakes or neglect or ignorance or "genes" produce a sex offender it is a FACT that the resulting person is what they ARE. The state`s FIRST responsibility is to WATCH the offender (too BAD if that is "intrusive") and KNOW what he/she is doing and with whom! (For example Talk to involved children within the offenders` life.) And CONTINUE the close surveylance using monies now wasted on prison counciling. The only "prison involvement" should be a set of rules signed off on and an understanding that close supervision will follow prison. Period! The "State" is GOVERNMENT. Governments do POORLY raising children OR changing behavior! They have a different FUNCTION! Keeping citizens safe!
PARENTS & FAMILIES raise people. If mistakes or neglect or ignorance or "genes" produce a sex offender it is a FACT that the resulting person is what they ARE. The state`s FIRST responsibility is to WATCH the offender (too BAD if that is "intrusive") and KNOW what he/she is doing and with whom! (For example Talk to involved children within the offenders` life.) And CONTINUE the close surveylance using monies now wasted on prison counciling. The only "prison involvement" should be a set of rules signed off on and an understanding that close supervision will follow prison. Period! The "State" is GOVERNMENT. Governments do POORLY raising children OR changing behavior! They have a different FUNCTION! Keeping citizens safe!
ex offender | 8:13 a.m. March 18, 2008
If there was anything I could do to take back what I did, I would. If my death
could help then I would desire it. Those things are not possible for me.
For Still Concerned, the only way to make everyone perfect safe it to take away all freedom from all people. This is an issue that requires parenting skills, trust, and faith.
Remember, this has been going on since the beginning of time. Therapy works for those who want help and unless they get it things will get worse. To help the victims part of the sentence should be a requirement to pay for therapy or have special fines that go into a victims fund to help pay for therapy.
If you don't want this issue to become hidden in families then don't make laws that preclude a chance to re-enter society.
Many families, once they read about some of the issues that have affected victims and offenders may think twice about turning someone in if they think that the laws are too harsh.
This is an issue that must be dealt with in love and support for the victim and holding offenders responsible for their actions.
For Still Concerned, the only way to make everyone perfect safe it to take away all freedom from all people. This is an issue that requires parenting skills, trust, and faith.
Remember, this has been going on since the beginning of time. Therapy works for those who want help and unless they get it things will get worse. To help the victims part of the sentence should be a requirement to pay for therapy or have special fines that go into a victims fund to help pay for therapy.
If you don't want this issue to become hidden in families then don't make laws that preclude a chance to re-enter society.
Many families, once they read about some of the issues that have affected victims and offenders may think twice about turning someone in if they think that the laws are too harsh.
This is an issue that must be dealt with in love and support for the victim and holding offenders responsible for their actions.
Mc | 8:14 a.m. March 18, 2008
Sex offender treatment programs are part of keeping citizens safe because
eventually the offender will probably be out of prison. If offenders can come
to realize the devastating effects of their behavior and care about the feelings
of others, society will be much safer when they are released. I believe that
people can change and overcome past urges, if they want to badly enough. We
have to help them want to change. We have to be vigilant while giving offenders
the opportunity to show they have changed. Never letting them move on from what
they were doesn't benefit anyone.
ex offender | 8:16 a.m. March 18, 2008
If you rely on government to solve all problems you will be disappointed.
Teach your children and then keep a vigilant eye. The best thing that happened to me was being caught as I was forced to deal with the issues that caused my offense. I was given a second chance after I completed all my penalties and I will do everything in my power not to re-offend again.
It is not the laws that keep me from re-offending but my past shame and my desire to never hurt anyone like that again. I don't want anyone to hurt as I hurt again.
For those that think I cannot change then your opinion will not matter to me because I am above your petty nature. If you want people to re-offend then never give them hope of being able to change. If you want people to hurt others then take paint a scarlet SO on them and they will not disappoint you.
Many say that the victims never escape their prison, but they can chose not to be a victim just as an offender can choose not to re-offend.
I pray for both.
Teach your children and then keep a vigilant eye. The best thing that happened to me was being caught as I was forced to deal with the issues that caused my offense. I was given a second chance after I completed all my penalties and I will do everything in my power not to re-offend again.
It is not the laws that keep me from re-offending but my past shame and my desire to never hurt anyone like that again. I don't want anyone to hurt as I hurt again.
For those that think I cannot change then your opinion will not matter to me because I am above your petty nature. If you want people to re-offend then never give them hope of being able to change. If you want people to hurt others then take paint a scarlet SO on them and they will not disappoint you.
Many say that the victims never escape their prison, but they can chose not to be a victim just as an offender can choose not to re-offend.
I pray for both.
Who Else? | 8:24 a.m. March 18, 2008
I'm not worried about convicted sex offenders. It's on their record,
and if they try anything, and get caught, they're toast. I'm worried
about the sex offenders who aren't registered. We need to be careful, but
at the same time, remember, things like this could happen to anyone, and we
should be careful not to blame the victim, OR the victim's parents (unless
they are the perpetrators) for the abuse. I was child raped when I was 6, just
before I moved to Utah, and my parents had no idea until they found out on
accident when I was 15. Utah needs to put more focus on pro-victim! We need to
get our children educated, not only so they don't become abused, but so
they don't have negative feelings about those who are abused, because I ran
up against a lot of that in Utah County. I have a friend who insists that if
you're raped, it's because you're not looking out for yourself.
I know of another girl-- no longer a friend-- who, when I insisted that the
perpetrator has changed and is now a good man, told me I must have liked being
raped. WHAT?
Joe Schmoe | 8:24 a.m. March 18, 2008
I guess it's easier to blame others than be accountable for
ourselves.......
We all need to teach our kids good priciples, healthy boundries and live by them as familes.
Yes there are exceptions, but in most cases of abuse our children get hurt because we allowed the situation to escalate, un-knowingly of course.
Accept that we all live in a crummy society, teach your children yourself, and don't be stupid. And for Heaven's sake.....stop living in fear!
Those that continue to live in fear have no testimony of the Savior or his attoning sacrifice. We can be forgiven of our sins and we can change. Didn't we learn anything in Sunday School?
I feel this story series has useful information, but it is a bit of a witch hunt unfortunately.
We all need to teach our kids good priciples, healthy boundries and live by them as familes.
Yes there are exceptions, but in most cases of abuse our children get hurt because we allowed the situation to escalate, un-knowingly of course.
Accept that we all live in a crummy society, teach your children yourself, and don't be stupid. And for Heaven's sake.....stop living in fear!
Those that continue to live in fear have no testimony of the Savior or his attoning sacrifice. We can be forgiven of our sins and we can change. Didn't we learn anything in Sunday School?
I feel this story series has useful information, but it is a bit of a witch hunt unfortunately.
Elizabeth, Oregon | 8:25 a.m. March 18, 2008
Thank you for focusing in the victim.
One of the scariest aspects, which you didn't touch on, happens when a child victim receives "pleasure" in the course of the abuse. As a long-time foster parent, I believe it to be much easier (not that any aspect of it is easy) to deal with hurtful abuse.
Regardless, the attention should be given first to the victims, of all ages.
Thank you for publicizing this issue. It is a monster that thrives in darkness and ignorance. You've shone a light in its face.
One of the scariest aspects, which you didn't touch on, happens when a child victim receives "pleasure" in the course of the abuse. As a long-time foster parent, I believe it to be much easier (not that any aspect of it is easy) to deal with hurtful abuse.
Regardless, the attention should be given first to the victims, of all ages.
Thank you for publicizing this issue. It is a monster that thrives in darkness and ignorance. You've shone a light in its face.
Depressing... | 8:32 a.m. March 18, 2008
What is this, Sex Abuse Month or something? Why all the articles on sex abuse?
It's very depressing to read.
As one who was sexually abused as a child, I have to say that society is making the effects of this much worse than it has to be. To treat a victim as if their life is over and setting the expectations that all is lost if this happens to you is very destructive, in my opinion.
Thankfully, I had good parents who took the steps to make sure it didn't happen again. But more importantly, they didn't treat me as though I had been ruined for life. Bad things happen in life. You have a choice as to how you will deal with them. You can choose to deal with it and get on with life or you can waste the rest of your life being a victim. Society seems to expect the latter and that is very sad.
As one who was sexually abused as a child, I have to say that society is making the effects of this much worse than it has to be. To treat a victim as if their life is over and setting the expectations that all is lost if this happens to you is very destructive, in my opinion.
Thankfully, I had good parents who took the steps to make sure it didn't happen again. But more importantly, they didn't treat me as though I had been ruined for life. Bad things happen in life. You have a choice as to how you will deal with them. You can choose to deal with it and get on with life or you can waste the rest of your life being a victim. Society seems to expect the latter and that is very sad.
reg: ex offender | 8:47 a.m. March 18, 2008
That's great that you would never hurt or abuse again. Not every offender
is like you, it is tricky to know who would do it again & who wouldn't.
A lot of offenders don't agree that they even have a problem. That is
where the real issue is for sex offenders, because you can't help them if
they don't feel accountable.
As for teaching your children to keep a vigilant eye, that's tough too. I taught my children from a young age not to let anyone touch them anywhere inappropriate. My soon to be ex husband went behind my back undoing all that I taught & convinced one of my girls that it was okay. That continued for over four years. He is now going through the criminal process & doesn't recognize his problem. That is concerning because I don't know how they can help him with his attitude towards it.
My daughter, the victim, is too young to decide not to be the victim. Sometimes these issues take years to resolve, if ever. She is now 15, confused about the betrayal & deceit from her own father. She is my concern, not him. We should focus on the victims.
As for teaching your children to keep a vigilant eye, that's tough too. I taught my children from a young age not to let anyone touch them anywhere inappropriate. My soon to be ex husband went behind my back undoing all that I taught & convinced one of my girls that it was okay. That continued for over four years. He is now going through the criminal process & doesn't recognize his problem. That is concerning because I don't know how they can help him with his attitude towards it.
My daughter, the victim, is too young to decide not to be the victim. Sometimes these issues take years to resolve, if ever. She is now 15, confused about the betrayal & deceit from her own father. She is my concern, not him. We should focus on the victims.
Reader | 8:53 a.m. March 18, 2008
I think Heather Stringfellow's comment that the system is offender-focused
makes an important point. It is interesting to me that the offenders get the
treatment while the victims get the blame. For example, if a child is predated
upon, society implicitly labels the child as vulnerable. The abuse becomes the
child's or parents' fault, i.e. the parents weren't watching
closely enough. Society paradoxically iterates that it's not the
child's fault while suggesting ways a parent and child can prevent abuse.
Unprepared??? | 8:51 a.m. March 18, 2008
Kids don't need to be born with instruction manuals. They need parents who
are actively involved in their lives. Know where your children are and who they
are spending time with. Ask questions when they come home from a friends house.
Teach them "good touch and bad touch" before they go to preschool or
daycare. We need to create open lines of communication and LISTEN to our kids.
If they disclose abuse, BELIEVE THEM, and call the police, even if the offender
is a relative. These guys never get better if the rest of us sweep it under the
rug and they never have to face consequences.
The Elephant in the Room | 8:51 a.m. March 18, 2008
Wanna know what the single biggest cause of sexual abuse is?
And no, it's not pornography, or religion, or lack of prisons, or even ignorance.
It's divorce.
Statistically speaking, a child's chance of being sexually abused skyrockets when his or her parents split up. As this article illustrates, usually the perpetrator is a step-parent or sibling, or quite often the mother's live-in boyfriend.
Also, having only a single parent means the child has less supervision, making him more vulnerable to predators.
But since we as a society are wedded (pun intended) to the concept of easy divorce, this issue is not going to go away any time soon.
And no, it's not pornography, or religion, or lack of prisons, or even ignorance.
It's divorce.
Statistically speaking, a child's chance of being sexually abused skyrockets when his or her parents split up. As this article illustrates, usually the perpetrator is a step-parent or sibling, or quite often the mother's live-in boyfriend.
Also, having only a single parent means the child has less supervision, making him more vulnerable to predators.
But since we as a society are wedded (pun intended) to the concept of easy divorce, this issue is not going to go away any time soon.
ex offender | 9:08 a.m. March 18, 2008
reg: ex offender I really feel bad for your daughter. I do not mean to
indicate that we should not focus on the victims. We need to focus on them so
they can heal and not feel like victims. The betrayal of a parent is so
devastating, I know. It happened to me and I also did it.
Your soon to be ex can change only when he accepts fully what he did and only then will he be capable of making changes in his life.
It is his responsibility though. He should be required to pay for any therapy as part of his punishment. I sincerely hope she finds a way out of the darkness he force on her.
The one thing I cannot stand is someone who re-offends after they had a chance. I believe in second chances but if anyone re-offends I am in favor of life in prison without parole. If his behavior went on for years then he should spend years in prison for his abuse.
My hope and prayers are for you, your daughter, and your family.
Your soon to be ex can change only when he accepts fully what he did and only then will he be capable of making changes in his life.
It is his responsibility though. He should be required to pay for any therapy as part of his punishment. I sincerely hope she finds a way out of the darkness he force on her.
The one thing I cannot stand is someone who re-offends after they had a chance. I believe in second chances but if anyone re-offends I am in favor of life in prison without parole. If his behavior went on for years then he should spend years in prison for his abuse.
My hope and prayers are for you, your daughter, and your family.
re: Depressing | 9:52 a.m. March 18, 2008
If you didn't notice, this is a series, and we're on part 3 of 4. Look
for more tomorrow.
As for your parents' reaction, I'm glad they didn't press it into you. Every case is different, but it seems like people will brand it into kids at time, constantly telling them, "You were abused, you are traumatized and your life will never be the same." I think that does a lot of unnecessary damage.
As for your parents' reaction, I'm glad they didn't press it into you. Every case is different, but it seems like people will brand it into kids at time, constantly telling them, "You were abused, you are traumatized and your life will never be the same." I think that does a lot of unnecessary damage.
Falsely Accused | 10:14 a.m. March 18, 2008
I agree that victims should not be branded. I've seen therapists and
professionals - many of whom were abused as children, and who went into their
fields on a crusade to right the wrongs that happened to them - actually tell
victims to never forgive, and to hate. They tell them this is the worst
experience of their lives, and they are damaged and it is the fault of the
perpetrator. Amazing.
All the attention to sex abuse and the way law enforcement is trained to react now has had other negative repercussions. I actually overheard a group of teenage girls plotting to get back at an older guy - who was teasing one of the other girls -by accusing him of sexually abusing her. I saw a text on my daughter's phone from a friend that said, "just tell the cops he sexually abused you and they'll fix him!" My son's soccer coach was falsely accused of sexual assualt and he was put in the SAFE system without a hearing, interview, and did not know what allegations were made against him for three months! The kid admitted to lying, or he'd have been toast.
All the attention to sex abuse and the way law enforcement is trained to react now has had other negative repercussions. I actually overheard a group of teenage girls plotting to get back at an older guy - who was teasing one of the other girls -by accusing him of sexually abusing her. I saw a text on my daughter's phone from a friend that said, "just tell the cops he sexually abused you and they'll fix him!" My son's soccer coach was falsely accused of sexual assualt and he was put in the SAFE system without a hearing, interview, and did not know what allegations were made against him for three months! The kid admitted to lying, or he'd have been toast.
Unnamed | 10:22 a.m. March 18, 2008
My daughter was abused by a male baby sitter - once.
My wife and I had always been candid about these things, even when out children we very young. That is why it was only once.
My wife an my daughter kept this from me for nearly 20 years. The reason being that I would have killed the boy had I known. My wife knew that and looking back, she was right.
My wife's wisdom had stopped the problem early on and her "duplicity" in not telling me was correct.
We LDS are going to have to lose our fear of sexual matters.
My wife and I had always been candid about these things, even when out children we very young. That is why it was only once.
My wife an my daughter kept this from me for nearly 20 years. The reason being that I would have killed the boy had I known. My wife knew that and looking back, she was right.
My wife's wisdom had stopped the problem early on and her "duplicity" in not telling me was correct.
We LDS are going to have to lose our fear of sexual matters.
Been There | 10:25 a.m. March 18, 2008
It is not the state that's failing these children, it's the parents.
It's the mothers who would rather sacrifice their children than give up the
men who are abusing them. It's the parent who rationalizes away the
behavior of the abuser or simply ignores it for family harmony. Parents who do
not protect their children from abuse, or protect a child who is abusing, are
beyond contempt. When I told my mother my brother had touched me
inappropriately, she turned her back and said nothing. Did he abuse others.
Yes. It was only my own sense of outrage that kept him at arm's length
during my childhood.
Right on! | 10:54 a.m. March 18, 2008
Depressing at 8:32 and Unprepared 5:34 said it well.
Life is not over, except maybe for the kids in environments that keep them reminded.
That being said, sometimes the environment is the perpetrator's so that is hard for the kid, unless the perp truly repents.
Yet we have seen instance after instance where the parents (who sometimes were also offenders) added the unconditional love, humility, forgiveness that the child could use to grow out of this problem just like outgrowing other problems.
Yes, there are more of the bad environments that continue to be victims of everything - the adversary of all mankind celebrates - but it is possible to choose repentance and forgiveness and keeping busy with other good things in life, and minimize the past. One of the choices is to help others who have been or might become abused. That'll keep ya too busy to dwell on your own!
Don't give up if you haven't seen this happen. Many of us have.
Life is not over, except maybe for the kids in environments that keep them reminded.
That being said, sometimes the environment is the perpetrator's so that is hard for the kid, unless the perp truly repents.
Yet we have seen instance after instance where the parents (who sometimes were also offenders) added the unconditional love, humility, forgiveness that the child could use to grow out of this problem just like outgrowing other problems.
Yes, there are more of the bad environments that continue to be victims of everything - the adversary of all mankind celebrates - but it is possible to choose repentance and forgiveness and keeping busy with other good things in life, and minimize the past. One of the choices is to help others who have been or might become abused. That'll keep ya too busy to dwell on your own!
Don't give up if you haven't seen this happen. Many of us have.
re: The Elephant in the Room | 11:01 a.m. March 18, 2008
I am a divorced/remarried mother of two. I was molested when I was a child by
MY NATURAL FATHER. Did you not see the article "They're all Nice
Guys"??? You cannot blame divorce for sexual abuse. Anyone can be an
offender. THERE IS NO PROFILE FOR A SEXUAL OFFENDER. Saying that most cases
are where the offender is a step parent or step sibling or mothers new
boyfriend... is a lie. I got divorced because my ex-husband was physically
violent with me. It was a blessing when I left him and finally found the love
of my life. You cannot say that by me getting divorced my children now have a
higher chance of being molested because guess what... they are just as likely to
be molested by the neighbor...the gardener...the teenage boy or girl down the
street...their cousin...their physical education teacher...the list goes on and
on. Come on!!!
Me too | 11:02 a.m. March 18, 2008
Just like "Been There" in the early 1960's we had a trusted
family friend/pervery who liked to come and visit and play tickle games with my
sister and me. The games escalated and though I told my mother that I
didn't like this man, and didn't like it when he came over, and she
could see at least the tickling going on, she did nothing to stop it. I
didn't tell her everything because I didn't know what to say or how to
say it without getting in trouble myself.
Fortunately, it stopped after a while. I don't know why. Just lucky, I guess.
Fortunately, it stopped after a while. I don't know why. Just lucky, I guess.
Foster home | 11:25 a.m. March 18, 2008
We've had 20-25 young people stay in our home, anywhere from 2-3 days, to
regular foster placement. In EVERY one of the situations, the child had been
abused, usually sexually.
Most were from 'good' neighborhood families, or friends of our children. A few were temporarily unwanted by a step-parent or non-parent (read: Mom's latest live-in boyfriend).
We learned to expect that they were 'sexperts' far beyond their age level. Many had a vocabulary and experience in the 6th-7th-8th grades that most don't even know about until high school.
The biggest common denominator with each family was that sex was the accepted theme of the movies they watched, the rental videos, and the TV and cable shows. The children had no boundaries, no sense that what some adult or older sibling started doing to them was wrong, until after it happened.
Then everybody screamed bloody murder, and couldn't figure out 'how this happened.'
Slowly we figured out, to show/tell them in plain English the effects of watching today's soft-porn. They could connect the dots.
About half have mostly overcome their childhood problems.
Most were from 'good' neighborhood families, or friends of our children. A few were temporarily unwanted by a step-parent or non-parent (read: Mom's latest live-in boyfriend).
We learned to expect that they were 'sexperts' far beyond their age level. Many had a vocabulary and experience in the 6th-7th-8th grades that most don't even know about until high school.
The biggest common denominator with each family was that sex was the accepted theme of the movies they watched, the rental videos, and the TV and cable shows. The children had no boundaries, no sense that what some adult or older sibling started doing to them was wrong, until after it happened.
Then everybody screamed bloody murder, and couldn't figure out 'how this happened.'
Slowly we figured out, to show/tell them in plain English the effects of watching today's soft-porn. They could connect the dots.
About half have mostly overcome their childhood problems.
By a GIRL | 12:00 p.m. March 18, 2008
I was abused by a much older girl in my neighborhood. I have told one person my
whole life, and regret it. The person looks at me as a victim, which I hate. I
don't want to be that, I refuse to be that. The only victim of sexual
abuse, should be the perpetrator becoming the "victim of the system"
they cry about so much. I advocate a zero tolerance approach to these psychos
male/female.
Potential Offender | 12:25 p.m. March 18, 2008
My dad went to prison when I was ten for molesting my sisters in my family. He
also physically abused all of us, to keep us quiet. I think the reason I
didn't become like him is that I saw clearly what the abuse had done to my
sisters and to all of us. Mom became alcoholic and tried to kill herself several
times. Some of my sisters took drugs or married child molesters. I became so
full of empathy that I couldn't function, but at least I didn't become
like my dad. For a long time I was afraid I would, but I could never have
thought of destroying a child's wonderful innocence, even if I would have
otherwise been tempted. I have often felt confused by sexuality (maybe most
people do), but I can't imagine how a person could look at a child and
willingly devastate their entire future.
Laurie | 12:29 p.m. March 18, 2008
One of my deepest concerns is that so often a clergy or other person of
leadership does not often believe the victim when they come forward to voice the
abuse.
We need more resources for the victims to get help and to be able to find a safe place.
Parents - trust your instincts! If something or someone feels creepy to be around - then for pete's sake...keep your children away from them!! Who cares if that person gets offended by your actions!!
We need more resources for the victims to get help and to be able to find a safe place.
Parents - trust your instincts! If something or someone feels creepy to be around - then for pete's sake...keep your children away from them!! Who cares if that person gets offended by your actions!!
Sadder but wiser | 12:38 p.m. March 18, 2008
Last week I was talking with my mother, and she wondered why I don't like
to talk about my childhood or look at pictures of my childhood, (I'm
middle aged). I said, "I don't think you want to know, it has to do
with problems that happened in childhood that you've never wanted me to
talk about." She said, "What? Oh, that. You mean you haven't got
over that yet? You need to learn to forgive and forget." Interesting that
people assume if you remember the incident you haven't forgiven. Somehow
everyone would like it if victims quickly forgot what happen--the victim is
responsible to make everything better. I'm not angry or bitter any more,
just really sad that I can't seem to make my family of origin work even
now. In case you're wondering, it was my brothers who abused me for
years--mom was just the person who saw it happen but ignored it--she wanted
(still wants) to believe she raised the perfect family. In a way she's
right--we look perfect from the outside.
One question to Foster home | 12:38 p.m. March 18, 2008
If movies, TV, and cable shows are causing sex abuse, then why are there so many
rapes in Muslim countries where absolutely NONE of these things are allowed, and
women are covered from head-to-toe in burkas?
Ten years ago when my then 10 year old son was charged with starting a fire, the officer at his required class asked if we allowed him to watch "The Simpsons". He then went on to say that at least 90% of the boys he had seen, who started fires, all watched "The Simpsons."
The next day, we read in the Deseret News that the favorite show of over 90% of 10 year old boys was "The Simpsons." So did watching "The Simpsons" really cause him to start that fire?
(BTW, he has never started another illegal fire.)
Ten years ago when my then 10 year old son was charged with starting a fire, the officer at his required class asked if we allowed him to watch "The Simpsons". He then went on to say that at least 90% of the boys he had seen, who started fires, all watched "The Simpsons."
The next day, we read in the Deseret News that the favorite show of over 90% of 10 year old boys was "The Simpsons." So did watching "The Simpsons" really cause him to start that fire?
(BTW, he has never started another illegal fire.)
Steve - Re: Depressing... | 12:52 p.m. March 18, 2008
"Depressing" got something right, I believe that alot of the trauma
victims go through stems from the reactions of everyone around them. Imagine
how different and better it would be for them if everyone in their life and the
media as well didn't act as if the world had just ended, but rather quietly
helped them cope with/overcome it and move on.
Also, is someone really a "victim" of a crime simply because the law tells them they are (whatever that crime may be)?
Also, is someone really a "victim" of a crime simply because the law tells them they are (whatever that crime may be)?
Once a victim | 12:55 p.m. March 18, 2008
I am a college student and I can speak from experience that when a victim
doesn't want therapy, they don't want it because they don't think
it will help or for some other reason. But it's still a good idea to try
it.
I was raped for 9 consecutive years as a child by a family member and the last thing I wanted was therapy. I went to therapy about a year after my last rape, and I went to a total of about 8 therapist and the last was a group therapy. I didn't think it would help but it does in the long run. It's been a year since I went to therapy and I have never felt happier and more content with my self and my life. It is something that takes time so we need to be patient but it's worth the effort in going.
I highly recommend victims to give it a chance.
I was raped for 9 consecutive years as a child by a family member and the last thing I wanted was therapy. I went to therapy about a year after my last rape, and I went to a total of about 8 therapist and the last was a group therapy. I didn't think it would help but it does in the long run. It's been a year since I went to therapy and I have never felt happier and more content with my self and my life. It is something that takes time so we need to be patient but it's worth the effort in going.
I highly recommend victims to give it a chance.
good book | 1:06 p.m. March 18, 2008
If more interest, read the book "toxic parents" by Susan Forward. It
gives some good steps to help victims of sexual abuse to move on. Therapy is
needed, a victim shouldn't try to do it on their own. Even if it is costly,
the money is well spend for the rest of your life.
re: The elephant in the room | 1:03 p.m. March 18, 2008
My father abused me and my parents had a "happy marriage". He
pretended to be very religious and devoted to his family.
I would like to know from what report you obtained your information, who compiled the information and stats. I would like to research it myself because I feel what you are saying has more to do with belief instead of actual fact.
I would like to know from what report you obtained your information, who compiled the information and stats. I would like to research it myself because I feel what you are saying has more to do with belief instead of actual fact.
Anonymous | 1:10 p.m. March 18, 2008
I think there needs to be harsher punishments. Put the fear of god into these
sick perverts.
Sad... | 1:12 p.m. March 18, 2008
After reading this series, it was highly discouraging to me to see in
yesterday's news (another paper) that a computer "spammer" was up
for almost 30 years in prison...yet child molesters may only get a few years, if
even that. I think that some of this problem stems that children are not as
valued in the justice system - you never see a person who "only"
killed a child up for the death penalty...and child rapist rarely gets as long
as a sentence as someone who rapes an adult. If anything, I think crimes against
children should get a HARSHER penalty. I agree with the ex-offender who said
that offenders should pay for their victim's therapy - its the only way I
see that they can truly have to take any responsibility for what they've
done.
Re: Sad | 1:45 p.m. March 18, 2008
Are you sure you have your facts right? Usually, sex offenders get very long
sentences, (sometimes too severe) and then have a life sentence of the S.O.
registry on top of that. They definitely get punished. In some instances they
would get off lighter if they killed their victim than molesting them (and
please don't think I'm trying to encourage that). I'm just
stating that sentences are often very severe, and probably a big reason why more
offenders don't come forward.
Innocently blamed | 1:46 p.m. March 18, 2008
Yesterday I signed in as "Anonymous" on this series. The fact is I am
being tried for "Sex Crime" I did not commit. Sadly if wrongly
convicted I face five to life in prison, especially leaning more towards life if
I do not "Conform" to the "Treatment" I will be given in the
State Prison system. Yet if I "bear false witness" against myself
eventually and "Conform" or basically admit to something I NEVER DID,
I could get out of prison "If Convicted" of something I never did. Yet
doing so could get one out of the prison system and back with my family within
5-7 years. We (My wife & I) are fighting this all the way and hope the truth
will come out and this nightmare of nearly two years now will go away. Sadly I
don't know if the so called "Victim" is lying or has false
memories.
I will say I feel bad for the victims, and there is opportunities for them to work with Other perpetrators in this state for counciling both for them and the perpetrators. I think maybe Victim Reparations could collect from perpetrators the money for victim counciling.
I will say I feel bad for the victims, and there is opportunities for them to work with Other perpetrators in this state for counciling both for them and the perpetrators. I think maybe Victim Reparations could collect from perpetrators the money for victim counciling.
To Steve | 1:43 p.m. March 18, 2008
I agree. I was the victim of a 5 minute event that my Church and society turned
into a life sentence. I was constantly told indirectly, that I should have
fought harder, giving my life if necessary. It made me feel guilty for even
being alive. Know how many times I thought about suicide?
I was told that I was now "damaged" and that no respectable young man would want me. Who wants a piece of chewed gum, or a licked cupcake?
I was also told that "men are different" and they simply can't control themselves. Maybe we need to remind men that they really CAN control themselves, even if a girl is standing stark naked in front of them!
Just wish these types of "lessons" could be replaced by something much more positive. And hopefully, they are.
I was told that I was now "damaged" and that no respectable young man would want me. Who wants a piece of chewed gum, or a licked cupcake?
I was also told that "men are different" and they simply can't control themselves. Maybe we need to remind men that they really CAN control themselves, even if a girl is standing stark naked in front of them!
Just wish these types of "lessons" could be replaced by something much more positive. And hopefully, they are.
Thinking about it | 1:57 p.m. March 18, 2008
I suspect that most sexual misconduct is based in culture differences as well as
driven by the hormones. For one family sex is part of life, acceptable, even
expected. For the next door neighbor it is sacred and has very tight
restrictions. Then there is the movie industry which has learned sex makes
money. The children don't understand. In the absence of education in the
home, they expect commonality of standards and are mixed up by the differences
they encounter in school and in their neighborhood. Education by the parents
which includes respect for other points of view which doesn't mean
acceptance of another point of view is the only answer.
Again the problem is parents today have turned the responsibility for education of their children over to the public school system. And it's not their fault. Our society does not teach parents to be responsible parents. I think someone needs to start a national movement for responsible parenting in a culture of different standards. Marriage requires a legal certificate. That certificate should require a class on responsible parenting and voice concerns and needs from a child's point of view.
Again the problem is parents today have turned the responsibility for education of their children over to the public school system. And it's not their fault. Our society does not teach parents to be responsible parents. I think someone needs to start a national movement for responsible parenting in a culture of different standards. Marriage requires a legal certificate. That certificate should require a class on responsible parenting and voice concerns and needs from a child's point of view.
Tried to keep them safe | 1:59 p.m. March 18, 2008
As a mother of several children, I tried to keep them safe. No playing behind
closed doors, no sleep overs, no playing inside neighbor's homes, etc.
BUT it happened to my children with a neighbor boy who had a boy from school introduce it to him, who had an adult abuse him.
My energy to keep them safe came from the several times I was abused as a child. Because of the abuse I grew up thinking I couldn't say NO. I tried so hard to keep my children safe from the warped ideas you take on about intimacy.
I feel like I FAILED my children. And yet deep in my heart I know I TRIED with all my might to keep them safe!
I am thankful for the Atoning sacrifice of our Savior. Through HIM there is healing and peace!
I hope and pray all who have been affected by such evil will apply the atoning sacrifice of Jesus and be healed.
BUT it happened to my children with a neighbor boy who had a boy from school introduce it to him, who had an adult abuse him.
My energy to keep them safe came from the several times I was abused as a child. Because of the abuse I grew up thinking I couldn't say NO. I tried so hard to keep my children safe from the warped ideas you take on about intimacy.
I feel like I FAILED my children. And yet deep in my heart I know I TRIED with all my might to keep them safe!
I am thankful for the Atoning sacrifice of our Savior. Through HIM there is healing and peace!
I hope and pray all who have been affected by such evil will apply the atoning sacrifice of Jesus and be healed.
To tried to keep them safe | 2:29 p.m. March 18, 2008
I'm sure you did all you reasonably could. No parent can be with a child
24/7 for 18 years. It simply isn't possible. We seem to put a LOT of
blame on parents for things that are often out of their control.
Hopefully, articles like this will help us heal. They offer a place to exchange better ideas than what we've done in the past. Each group still needs more help--parents, victims, and even perpetrators.
We need to learn what helps and what doesn't, what makes a real difference, and what simply makes us "feel" safer.
Part of the problem is in our culture. Even labeling all abuse as "evil" and "perverted" as opposed to "illegal" and "damaging" or "hurtful" often adds fuel to the fire.
As a survivor of abuse, I know what my father did was traumatizing, but I hate having everyone label him as "an evil pervert."
If we can let go of the inflammatory words, perhaps some of the stigma will decrease, both for the victim and their assailant.
Hopefully, articles like this will help us heal. They offer a place to exchange better ideas than what we've done in the past. Each group still needs more help--parents, victims, and even perpetrators.
We need to learn what helps and what doesn't, what makes a real difference, and what simply makes us "feel" safer.
Part of the problem is in our culture. Even labeling all abuse as "evil" and "perverted" as opposed to "illegal" and "damaging" or "hurtful" often adds fuel to the fire.
As a survivor of abuse, I know what my father did was traumatizing, but I hate having everyone label him as "an evil pervert."
If we can let go of the inflammatory words, perhaps some of the stigma will decrease, both for the victim and their assailant.
Anonymous | 2:38 p.m. March 18, 2008
I think this is a profound article for all victims of crime. I was recently
involved in something very horrific (I have never suffered sexual abuse, and
I'm not going to pretend that I could even imagine what that is like) and I
could really relate to this article
Sickened | 2:56 p.m. March 18, 2008
As a society we need to accept the fact that sex crimes occur regardless of the
character of the persons involved, regardless of their religiosity or lack
thereof, regardless of their sex education or lack thereof, and regardless of
whether they've seen pornography. We should treat each person involved as
a human being capable of receiving and of giving forgiveness, capable of
conquering their weaknesses and capable of accomplishing great things.
I've read that the rate of recidivism is actually much lower than Sean
Hannity or Dr. Laura would have us believe. But I also intimately understand
the far-reaching and negative impacts of physical, mental and sexual abuse and
think that we should do more to prevent it. I had a neice who was abused by her
father and refuses to finger him to authorities because she doesn't want
him in prison. Now she's in jail and has lost her kids because she
continues to act inappropriately through the loss of self-esteem she suffered
for decades. I have another neice who had adjusted fairly well after being
abused by a neighbor, supposedly religious, who fled the state for good after he
was accused and has never been caught.
Concerned | 2:58 p.m. March 18, 2008
Since yesterday's article seemed to say that almost all abusers were at one
time a victim, wouldn't our money be better spent helping the victims
rather than the perpetrators? Maybe I'm naive but it seems to me that
helping the victims would ultimately be like helping the abusers before they
actually committed their crimes.
Concerned, again | 3:06 p.m. March 18, 2008
Not to say in any way that all victims will end up abusing. It just seems like
many who do abuse, were once victims themselves.
sue | 3:08 p.m. March 18, 2008
THERE IS HOPE FOR US...THE ABUSE SURVIVOR.. WE CAN GET BETTER...NOT FEEL WE ARE
FLAWED, or DEFECTIVE.
IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED DON'T GIVE UP....THERE IS HELP...THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND. PLEASE SOCIETY STOP TELLING US TO JUST GET OVER IT...WE CAN'T WITH OUT HELP! There is HOPE!!!
IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED DON'T GIVE UP....THERE IS HELP...THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND. PLEASE SOCIETY STOP TELLING US TO JUST GET OVER IT...WE CAN'T WITH OUT HELP! There is HOPE!!!
Teaching Kids | 3:07 p.m. March 18, 2008
I have a lot of extended family that have dealt with sexual abuse issues. I
agree with the comments that it becomes a parents responsibility to know our
children and what is going on in their lives, and most importantly to teach them
and to LISTEN to them. My son is 5 and we have taught him over and over again
that no one is to touch him in certain areas. We don't preach this to him
in a condescending or authoritarian way, but in just casual conversation as
those topics arrive. We have taught him that if anyone ever does touch him in
one of those areas, he is to tell them 'you aren't supposed to touch
me there' and then come tell mommy or daddy about it as soon as possible.
And I can promise this, if he ever even hints that something happened, even in
jest, we would absolutely take it seriously and investigate it. A common
denominator for sexual abuse that has occurred in our extended family is that
when the child mentioned something, even very casually, it was ignored. People
were just too naive to think it really happened. That attitude has to end.
re: sue | 3:19 p.m. March 18, 2008
STOP YELLING
to Anon. @ 1:10 | 3:30 p.m. March 18, 2008
No, the Fear of God is not very effective in restraining the tempted ones, when
the world surrounds them daily with messages of instant self-gratification.
What does work very effectively is the Love of God. He knows each one of us individually. It is the ONLY thing, in 36 years of working with these situations, that I have ever seen or heard that actually changed a perp, and is strengthens both offenders and victims to deal with the healing that is absolutely necessary.
What does work very effectively is the Love of God. He knows each one of us individually. It is the ONLY thing, in 36 years of working with these situations, that I have ever seen or heard that actually changed a perp, and is strengthens both offenders and victims to deal with the healing that is absolutely necessary.
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When our oldest three were still under 6, a neighbor molested all three of them repeatedly. We were clueless.
By the time they were teenagers, they were sneakily acting out with each other and our younger children. We still didn't catch on.
Then our daughter's best friend went into a treatment facility, and the counselors discovered she had been molested by the same man, saying he had gotten to "half the kids in the county." The rest of the story about our own came out, devastating us.
It took years, and we are grateful to church leaders who taught forgiveness, and supported us through the crises. But the kids have forgiven the perpetrator. He served his sentence but is still running around in denial. They are truly free, he is not. God can do that, the penal system can't.
They are all happily married, much wiser, raising grandchildren who will be safer because their parents are Prepared.
Victims can survive, and thrive. There is hope.