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Mormon Twentysomething on MormonTimes.com: Don't listen to the marriage cynics

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Ernest T. Bass | 1:38 p.m. July 3, 2009

My three different marriages were some of the best experiences I have ever had. My marriages taught me to be less selfish.

Just a Dad | 1:45 p.m. July 3, 2009

Hey, just being LDS does not make people perfect. In my humble opinion, I think many young folks today are just immature, and think marriage is some extended date. They get far enough into it, and then they want to move along and play with someone else. LDS or not LDS, Marriage is about being ready for it, being mature. If you are not, no amount of church is going to make it ok. I am glad that I married in the temple, but being willing to work "With" my wife, and solve problems together, will help us to make it to forever.

Hope that Helps :)

Julia | 1:56 p.m. July 3, 2009

Wow!! From reading these comments it doesn't sound like anyone has had a good experience with marriage. Surely most Mormon marriages are a positive experience (I hope).

Comments continue below

Anonymous | 2:38 p.m. July 3, 2009

Coppins seams to prach mor then he right. Nobody likes a writer is so self-centered that everything is about him. Good luck with the church news, with your current style you'll never make it out of provo. You may be a bishop some day but a writer????

Reality | 2:38 p.m. July 3, 2009

Look, marriage is just like everything else in this world, hard. Marriage is hard until the day you die. Marriage makes you a better person and think about other people instead of yourself. Marriage makes one more prepared for the Celestial Glory.

Marv | 3:54 p.m. July 3, 2009

Mary Coppins woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. The previous article should have never been prublished.

Anonymous | 4:35 p.m. July 3, 2009

I married young-ish (23) and have never regretted it... The key to happiness in marriage is the same as the key to happiness in life: learn to laugh at yourself and forgive easily and anger slowly. Know that life has BIG bumps and that is ok. In a nutshell nothing is perfect so don't expect it to be.

Oh and McKay, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Marriage is the best thing you could be doing right now--but you already know that!

Anonymous | 5:03 p.m. July 3, 2009

Age has nothing to do with true love. Divorce has a lot to do with personality conflicts, unmet expectations, drastic behavioral changes and financial challenges more so than age. Marrying for the wrong reasons (looks, money, position, power, convenience) also contribute but are not the sole cause of divorce. I say, if two people are truly in love and are obvious matching partners, go for it. Get married and prosper. However, marrying the wrong person will sooner or later come to the surface. You either tolerate or split. Each situation is different. Each love is different. Each taste is different. Many people who have sinned before marriage have also stayed together for life while others fell apart once the physical excitement was over. It's all relative.

Anonymous | 5:12 p.m. July 3, 2009

Proverbs 25:24 comes to mind.

By the way, atheist, the Church prescribes nothing. I've never had the Church tell me or my wife how to live our lives and what roles to play. That's a false assumption and you can't generalize a few failed LDS marriages as representative of an entire Church culture. Marryng young, old or not at all is up to the individual and circumstances. Personally, I'd rather be single than married to the wrong person but that's just me. There are times when people can't find the right match and settling for just anyone is not everyone's preference.
Sometimes it is BEST to stay single if our personalities are very unique. To each their own.

Justin | 5:42 p.m. July 3, 2009

The LDS Newsline is turning into a rag! Can you get some decent writers and also make non-members register before they post!

Craig | 6:53 p.m. July 3, 2009

Why is everyone so down on marriage? I can't understand these comments. Does anybody here still think marriage is a noble goal? Maybe I'm the last one who has hope about his marriage.

Brian Grant | 6:54 p.m. July 3, 2009

If your stuck with the same chick for eternity, why in the heck to you want to get hitched to her at 22? Live a litle, have a good live then when you ready you can marry. People are to needy and if you get married young, there is some insecurity there. Find the right one brother, find the right one and don't get forced into settling.

Henry Drummond | 6:58 p.m. July 3, 2009

I don't think young people are against marriage, I think they have been inundated with messages from the media that marriage is not sacred and something we can caste aside when the going gets tough.

It is unfortunate, but I think many people have been swayed by the media and society instead of having a firm foundation in the Gospel.

Curious Georgina | 7:02 p.m. July 3, 2009

Secret to a happy marriage is be quick to forgive and forget and never go to bed angry.

dhs | 7:06 p.m. July 3, 2009

Stick it to the man. Congrats Brother Coppins.

Anonymous | 7:08 p.m. July 3, 2009

I got married after my mission, was divorced to years later and the church has strong pressure to marry again. There are to many in my shoes. The families and ward members just need to back off and let people be.

Rosario G. | 7:09 p.m. July 3, 2009

Studies show that men are generally more happy in a marriage than a woman.

True Blue | 7:12 p.m. July 3, 2009

To Georgina,

The real secret to a happy marriage is to never get married. My dad told me that all the time (tongue in cheek). I really miss the old guy.

When Did I Get My Love Handles | 7:32 p.m. July 3, 2009

Marriage is fine. Just ignore all the doubters and cynics on this board. McKay will have a sucessful marriage because his priorities are in order.

Nebraska | 7:51 p.m. July 3, 2009

I fell in love with a man I met back here while visiting family for a few weeks. I went back home to Utah and we continued to see each other a few times before we were married 8 months later. He was not a member of the church at the time I met him, but he did convert to the church. We have now been married for 15 years civilly and sealed in the temple a year later to the date. We were older when we got married and even though I was single for several years, I would never want to be single again. We dont agree on everything but we wouldnt be human if we didnt. I love my husband dearly and vice versa. We are always holding hands and telling each other I love you. I dont have a pat answer for everyone, but I think alot of it has to due with maturity. My folks were young when they married and than there is my brothers and sisters that have been married and divoriced and one that should be divoriced cause she is so unhappy.

SFC RET DENNIS | 11:56 p.m. July 3, 2009

Divorce is due to selfishness on one or both

Mostly Agreed... | 11:58 p.m. July 3, 2009

...with McKay's column. Good thoughts on the whole, and the commenters he mentioned are killjoys at best.

Only one bone to pick: Why is McKay assuming that any of those commenters, much less all of them, are active LDS? That's the only ridiculous thing he wrote in his whole article.

Come on, McKay. Think. In this anonymous Internet world, where anyone can say pretty much anything without accountability, you can't assume anything about anyone's background from what they write. How can you determine anyone's background, much less religious status?

I for instance could be a 50-year-old atheist electrical engineer who thinks everything should be strictly logical, 13-year-old deacon just yanking McKay's chain, 60-year-old cynical grandma dispensing advice, 24-year-old embittered female RM with no boyfriend--or a 53-year-old dedicated anti-Mormon with obvious motives?

McKay, how can you tell I'm any of those things just from what I write? Guess what: I'm none of them, not even close. So don't make unfounded and ultimately illogical assumptions.

Here, anyone can pretend to be anything.

Temple Marriage | 4:43 a.m. July 4, 2009

A temple marriage is preferred. I don't know of anyone who has been dicorced from a temple marriage. The lord is with us and bounds us together.

anon | 5:58 a.m. July 4, 2009

1.
Don't assume that only active LDS read articles that appear in Mormon Times. I have read many very strong anti-Mormon responses to some of the articles. Those who are looking for something to criticize about the church or anything church-related often read MT articlds.
2.
The various statements about the high rate of divorce among church members are popular myths--even among some active church members. People who claim these types of statements need to quote RELIABLE sources and CITE their sources so that people can check them out, rather than rely on things they have heard other, equally gullible people claim.

Dave | 6:23 a.m. July 4, 2009

Jesus nor Paul were not married and that is good enough for me. I also do not believe god has talked to the prophets around a mother in heaven.

Taylor Swift Fan | 9:07 a.m. July 4, 2009

My first marriage was civil. My second marriage was in the temple for time and all eternity. That has made all the difference. He is my soul mate. Please get married in the temple.

Marriage, tried it, no thanks | 9:20 a.m. July 4, 2009

Marriage is like drugs: just don't do it.

Married | 11:12 a.m. July 4, 2009

I find it funny how some of you equait being young with hormones, lust, and blindness. It is also interesting how people post and say how the church should do this or that. Marriage is a big decision and it should be considered carefully with prayer and perhaps temple attendance. When a person learns to recognize the influence of the Holy Ghost and acts on His promptings that person receives the blessings of the Lord. I agree with Bro. McKay when he said that the marriage relationship should involve the Lord as a partner. I'm also greatful for a living prophet and apostles! Their experiences and the counsel they impart to us would be well worth to follow. The troubles we face in a marriage sometimes hinge on selfishness from the husband or wife, but if we follow the Lord's servants we will find ourselves drawing closer to the Lord. May God bless you all as you try to live as He would have you live, yes even you cynics!

This is so funny!!! | 11:33 a.m. July 4, 2009

All the posters who advise others to "wait" and to "let the single be single".......How about this...GROW UP! Too many are choosing to delay marriage and commitment do to immaturity and selfishness...GROW UP and take responsibility for your lives! Choose to make a commitment and follow through with it. Choose to be responsible, choose to be mature and GROW UP! Then, you can make grown-up decisions and not wonder if you "were ready".

Marriage is a commitment, not a temporary condition. Make the grown-up decision to make it work, to pull together, to devote yourself to someone else's ha

Forrest | 1:37 p.m. July 4, 2009

In these latter days, marrying young and a temple wedding are important. it is all part of heavenly fathers plan and time is running short. we have to look at enternity and just not the here and now.

Tim | 3:08 p.m. July 4, 2009

The restored gospel is all about encouraging individuals, families and societies to live those principles which will bring greatest happiness in this life and the next. The Church teaches us those principles which lead to exaltation in the celestial kingdom. It is not interested in teaching anything less. Temple marriage has statistically shown that it provides a higher degree of marital happiness and lasting marriages than any other marriage. People generally enter temple marriages rather than terrestrial (marriages of the world) because they have celestial hearts, minds and ideals. Not all maintain those idylic thoughts and actions, but more do than do those having never attempted the celestial ideal. Marriage as a threesome, with God at the head, works best. It works for people of all religious faiths. Numerous scientifically valid well-controlled sociological studies demonstrate this. Marriages of two athiests who treat each other with kindness and consistent kind and sensible communication also works. Basically, follow the eternal principles of happiness that Christ taught, and a lasting happy marriage will result. (Educate yourself in the pros and cons of important issues. Reproducible gold-standard validated scientific studies of anything can prove the correctness of any principle)

Please stop | 6:38 p.m. July 4, 2009

being so narrow in your thinking. I know couples who have been married in your temples, some of whom are happy and some of whom are not. I know couples who are not members of your church who are married and have strong, loving relationships (myself included). It's arrogant to assume that someone who doesn't share your beliefs can't possibly be as happy, can't possibly take marriage as seriously, can't possibly be as good and wholesome as you are. Such statements are incredibly off putting, and don't do your missionary cause any favors. Just saying... :)

There are successes | 8:41 p.m. July 4, 2009

I was 24 and my wife 20 when we got married. We had no money at the time. 21 years and 8 kids later, we are happy (but busy) and financially stable. It's been a lot of work, but it has paid off.

I do agree that people getting married because of an unplanned pregnancy have a tough road. That wasn't my case, but I wouldn't buy that people getting married young (for the right reasons) don't stand a chance.

Anonymous | 8:41 p.m. July 4, 2009

Concerning the LDS vs Non LDS divorce rate being about equal, that might be right. But, among active, temple worthy LDS the statistics probably show a significantly lower divorce rate among active LDS. Among my LDS parents' descendants, some have left the church or have never been involved. But the statistics comparing active LDS and innactive or not involved are interesting.
ACTIVE LDSInactive LDS or other religionTotal
# Individuals16925
# Divorced279
% Divorced12.577.8%36%%
# Marriages191938
# Divorces31316
% Divorces15.8%68.4%42%

STATISTICS BOTH SIDES | 9:34 p.m. July 4, 2009

I know of people who marry young and are married for many years. I know of people who marry young and are divorced. Statistics sway on the divorced side. I know of people who marry later and are divorced, and vice versa. All I know is that there is lots of divorce.

Otis Spurlock | 10:43 p.m. July 4, 2009

marriage rocks!

Debunking Two Myths | 9:11 a.m. July 5, 2009

Sometimes things become popular sayings even if they should be adjusted.

1. "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You". The Golden Rule has recently been re-coined as the Platinum Rule which states "Do Unto Others As They Need Done Unto Them". Not everyone has our same needs and interests. Our spouses may need us to treat them or respond to them in a different than we need ourselves. It is about constantly thinking what our spouse or loved one's need - and realizing that may be very different from what we need. Empathy.

2. "Never Go To Bed Angry". Actually, neuroscience has shown that the more emotional or angry we are the less rational our decision making is. If we just say let's drop this for now and we DO go to bed angry, chances are we wake up with a very different outlook on what made us angry and in a much better mindset (less emotional) to resolve it or even laugh it off in the morning.

Reality Is Your Own | 9:58 a.m. July 5, 2009

If someone endured a failed marriage(s) how can they not be a bit cynical? If your marriage is strong no matter how young you were married then of course you will have a different perspective. Everyone's perspective is built around their life experiences - how can it not be?

McKay, your article came off a bit (or more than a bit) defensive and preachy. You are young so hopefully marriage will teach you to see things from other's perspective more. The negative or cynical comments were not attacking you as much as reflecting the commenter's own life experiences. Including pain and frustration from difficult or failed marriages. Showing empathy in your article for that would have been a mature thing to do and would have resulted in a much more quality article. I have enjoyed some of your work but this one seemed to be written with too much emotion. It's probably not a good idea to write an article in response to comments made about a past article. Try to rise above that if you want to be as good a writer as you can be.

JWB | 10:13 a.m. July 5, 2009

Kudos to the author for bringing this topic up. Cynical Marriage Syndrome has taken root in our Church in the last few years and I have not yet heard it addressed by our leaders. I hope it becomes addressed before its not too late.

Society's new trend is that marriage is uncool and only temporary (until someone better else comes along). This attitude was bound to creep into our Church and it looks like it has taken hold.

I hope its not too late for the Church to address and fix the Cynical Marriage Syndrome.

eBay Employee | 10:18 a.m. July 5, 2009

In about 1 hour I get to teach the Marriage Prep class in Sunday School today. I am bringing this article and some of the comments to read to my class. I hope somehow it will make them less cynical.

BYU,the Oral Roberts of the West | 10:21 a.m. July 5, 2009

I would like to see McKay Coppins do an article one year from now entitled: "Things I Have Learned After One Year of Marriage". I think it would be enlightening to see his change of perspective. I think he would be a little more empathetic to some of the commentors.

Blue Psycho | 11:26 a.m. July 5, 2009

Brother Coppins,

I am a BYU student and have seen a great deal of cynicism regarding marriage on our campus. I'm sure you have seen it too. I don't think this was the case about 5 years ago. It certainly has been able to find a foothold here on campus. I am reluctant many times to tell people I'm engaged because I know that their reaction will be negative.

Jessica the Single WSU Student | 11:33 a.m. July 5, 2009

Let's face it, in this economy who can afford marriage, let alone children?

It's so sad | 12:51 p.m. July 5, 2009

so many blame their problems on some marrying young. It's true some of the more selfish take awhile to mature to the point they can marry successfully, though this isn't for all of you that marry older or don't marry at all. My wife and I married 22 and barely 20, we have 11 years together now. Had the hard times that all those that are honest will say they had, but had a third party, God, we included in all our decisions. Marriage early isn't for all, because it takes those willing to work. But it depends where one's faith is or was. As the adversary works to destroy marriage altogether, we must ask ourselves, "Are we standing behind our prophets, apostles, and God testifying that temple marriage is that which we should seek?" or are we downplaying the importance of marriage saying "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die."

Nostradamus | 1:28 p.m. July 5, 2009

I have a prediction. If current attitudes against marriage continue within the LDS Church, in 10 years we will have a negative growth rate as a Church.

fred | 1:51 p.m. July 5, 2009

I would like to see someone come up with some constructive suggestions on how we combat cynical marriage syndrome. I haven't seen any suggestions on how we can get the youth to overcome this illness.

AZLDS | 6:39 a.m. July 6, 2009

As a practicing member of the LDS church, I am particularly embarrassed by the comments regarding "non-members" on this site. I know many, many people not of our faith who are devoted spouses and have very happy marriages. Not everyone is not a member of our church has "shaky morals and values". And some from our own faith unfortunately do have "shaky morals and values." I have also sadly known some LDS couples who had temple marriages that were unhappy with their relationship, and some that eventually divorced. Of course because of the beliefs that I have I felt strongly about marrying in the temple. I've been happily married for 17 years. But people all over the world from all faiths, and even atheists I might add, have caring and enduring marriages. My mother is LDS and my father is not and it has caused a few problems over the years, but they have been happily married for 47 years. Basically, UT church members, get over yourselves!

Ignorant | 7:38 a.m. July 6, 2009

The real issue regarding negativity in marriage is that we as Mormons and Americans do not understand what marriage is or should be. The confusion about expectations and marriage realities (like disagreements, discord, financial struggles, and different personal tastes) is a great tool of Satan to thwart God's plan for eternal families. There is a reason the Church preaches marriage--it is God's plan to exalt man and is the ideal path to get us there. The key word is ideal. Marriage is what you choose to make it. If you aren't willing to make each day ideal, it won't be. If your spouse isn't willing, it won't work.

re: Jo | 8:54 a.m. July 6, 2009

The divorce rate is not 50%. Only about 15% of all marriages actually end in divorce.

ramper | 9:31 a.m. July 6, 2009

I think being cynical about marriage and our youth's reluctance to get married is one of the main factors the Church's growth rate has declined.

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