Deseret News | Reader comments: Ready to wed

Reader comments
Ready to wed

Anon | 4:57 a.m. Sept. 6, 2008

I think that there should be some sort of pre-marital class in the LDS faith especially when it comes to dealing with in-laws!

Anonymous | 10:13 a.m. Sept. 6, 2008

Good stuff. I think it would be cool if the LDS church urged the premarital stuff as well. I know it would have helped me. Still married, but those first few years were a doozy, and a little premarital communication skills counseling would have gone a long way.

I hope this board will not fill up with angry posts about how awful Mormons are because we don't have premarital counseling. We do have LDS family services, which is usually a great option, but you only go there after a problem has arisen.

Training AND Time | 11:32 a.m. Sept. 6, 2008

This was a fantastic article. Way too many couples jump quickly into marriage and only later learn they are either lacking in communication/conflict resolution skills (which can still be obtained and improved during marriage) or are highly incompatible from a core personality perspective in some of those areas (which often cannot be reconciled).

In addition to the kind of training/counseling described in this article, time together as a couple prior to marriage experiencing and addressing some of the difficult moments is also very important. It is nice to see an increase in pre-marital training. But is there an encouragement to also SLOW DOWN and experience those difficult moments and conversations that inevitably come over time?

Most all couples mesh well during the good times. And the traditional short courtships too often only involve good times. It is not until marriage that many couples even confront their first difficult moment, decision or conversation. Training and counseling is often adequate to help spouses through those. But at times couples are so incompatible at the very core personality that they are just unable to weather the difficult times. Only time together as a dating couple will allow couples to walk through those moments.

Comments continue below

To Anon, I disagree | 12:10 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

All LDS couples need to do is "listen to the spirit" and everything will be fine. As long as they keep the spirit in their lives, no problem will be too challenging.

lt | 12:51 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

The LDS faith DEFINITELY needs some classes. There are SEVERAL people I know who ultimately got divorced that were leaning towards ending the engagement. A class like this would have helped prevent future pain and sorrow.

awesomeron | 1:11 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

I strongly believe in this idea. The trouble is selling it to the "I am so in Love" or "I will change him or her."

Reality is that so many young people (myself included at that time) believe that the sole purpose of Marriage is a License to have Sex. That that is first and foremost and everthing else will work itself out later. That anything that gets in the way of that is just people trying to "stop us from doing it."

You must get through that to get to this kind of thing which is much more proper and mature. That takes time and being mature. It is hard to be totally mature with screaming sometimes repressed hormones.

Levin | 2:19 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

It is a great idea. My wife and I met in a singles ward and there was a Sunday School class for Marriage and Family Preparation. It was a great class.

BYU and Institute have Marriage/Family Prep courses.

Finances | 3:57 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

Young couples are "so in love" they have a hard time seeing the facts in a real world as they are. Beyond "communication skills", they really need to know the spending habits of their future spouse.
Reality can bite you in the butt, as it did with me. It wasn't until after the wedding that I saw the multitude of Credit Card statements come rolling in to my new spouses mailbox. I was shocked to hear what condition his credit was in, and how much consumer debt he had.
Engaged couples REALLY need to get to know each other besides "What are your favorite hobbies...movie...place to go out to eat...etc."
Finances lead to a majority of divorces. People need to make sure they are totally aware of each others financial tendencies before tying the knot.

Act Responsibly | 5:51 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

My one sister had boat loads of debt when she got married. She expected her new husband to pay off her debts. He refused. This gave her bad feelings.

I told my sister, she should take responsiblity for her own stupidity and not expect her new husband to suffer for it.

I never did ask if he knew about the debts before the marriage. But I can imagine that if I married someone, after saving what I did, having the financial goals that I did, to buy a house and have an emergency fund and go on vacations and the like,

I wouldn't look kindly at all if my new bride told me she wanted me to pay $35k for her debts. That wouldn't be fair to me.

They ended up getting divorced.

Theoretically . . . | 7:10 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

LDS couples planning a marriage have counseled with their Bishop(s) as well as their parents. Hopefully, they have attended an Institute marriage class, although my daughter wasn't as impressed with hers as she had hoped to be. Marriage and family relations classes are offered as part of the Sunday School in some wards, and should be in all of them--especially singles wards, but also for us old folks who could use some good principles, too.

And I have to agree that financial management skills should be sought and talked over. Money issues are huge and have all sorts of emotional connotations that couples don't expect.

Several of my sons have paid off serious student debt for their wives, while enabling them to stay home with children. But it's added difficulties to the couples' financial lives that could have been prevented.

Our family highly recommends Dave Ramsay's books on finances--they've enabled several of us to make serious financial strides, whether our incomes are larger or smaller. You can buy them online. And he is a believer in tithing, too.

palagimama | 9:01 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

Of course, listen to the spirit - but do your own work, too. If you have no communication or coping skills, how can you put into practice what the spirit is prompting you to do? People who say, "all's it takes is faith" to have a good marriage make me crazy! It takes faith, a ton of work, more faith, more work, and it can still go belly up on you. At least being as prepared as possible before hand helps increase the likelihood of success. And PS - there have been several times we've been in marriage or family counseling due to listening to the spirit! There's room for everything.

a | 9:48 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

Before my husband and I got married we were actually given a book that discussed these issues chapter by chapter. It was awesome. We were travelling a lot to see family right before the wedding and really talked about each chapter- family, finances, communication and such. It was hard to talk about finances. Neither of us wanted to show that the other had small problems, but it helped soooo much. My husband lost his job soon into our marriage for many months and I really think that that time was easier for us because we had already built a communication about how to handle things before we were even married. I also agree with the slow down comment. We dated for a long time and learned about how to disagree and work through hard times. I knew what to expect from my husband and wasn't at all surprised by things that happened after we were married. I had committed to him and his flaws. I did like this article a lot.

Re:Theoretically . . . | 10:57 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

I am disgusted that you would use this as a forum to sell a book.

Ang | 11:36 p.m. Sept. 6, 2008

I'll buy the book! Woo hoo! Thanks for the great article. I wouldn't mind attending any premarital class, LDS or not. We all need something! :D

longtimereader | 5:45 p.m. Sept. 7, 2008

Most couples spend more time planning the wedding than they do planning the marriage.
To say that they must only have the "spirit" and they will do fine is naive. Pre-marital counseling should be a must for all marriages; spirit or not.

Re: Re:Theortically | 12:50 p.m. Sept. 8, 2008

Calm down. I'm pretty sure they aren't getting anything from suggesting a book to read. It has been helpful to many people. If it isn't for you then don't buy it. Sheesh. If that disgusts you I'd hate to see what something of matter did to you.

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Jason Olson, Deseret News

The Rev. Steve Goodier, center, talks with Tom and Marcie Conner. They are preparing to renew their marriage vows in celebration of their 10-year anniversary.

Gallery (3 photos)