Austria's nordic skiers believe they have a perfectly good explanation for the blood-doping accusations that have been made against them.
Unfortunately, they haven't figured out what it is yet, although they've already tried once.
Can they get back to us later?
After the Olympics ended, housecleaners were cleaning the Austrians' Olympic residence when they found blood-transfusion bags, tubes and needles left behind in a closet — everything you need to "dope" your blood (remove it, freeze it and reinject it, to provide extra oxygen-carrying red blood cells).
Not so, say the Austrians. Their coach said they were using a "paramedical method" to prevent athletes from catching colds and flu. The method, it turns out, "consists of taking a small amount of blood and subjecting it to ultraviolet light radiation and magnetic-field treatment before reinjecting it within 10 minutes."
Silly us, and we thought they were blood doping.
If these guys had been caught breaking into a bank, they would have told us, "We weren't robbing the bank; we were setting it on fire."
Let's see, first they leave their doping paraphernalia behind — also known as "evidence" — then they come up with this cockamamie excuse. What is this, blood doping by dopes?
"This method is quite common among nonmedical practitioners and at spas," the Austrian federation said with a straight face.
We knew you could tan your skin under a sun lamp at the neighborhood spa, but who knew you could tan your blood?
IOC members are calling the explanation "farfetched," and IOC medical director Patrick Schamasch said he can't think of any medical reasons for the Austrians' explanation unless someone had renal failure. But what does a doctor know?
Bottom line for the Austrians: They're going to have to do better than that.
The Austrians' excuse lacks imagination. Today's athletes are geniuses for dreaming up creative excuses after they've been caught cheating. Maybe a few examples would be helpful. (Please note the creativity, and remember we are not making this up).
- Someone injected my toothpaste with steroids. — Dieter Baumann, distance runner.
- My ex-husband spiked my vitamins when I asked for a divorce. — Ludmila Engquist, hurdler.
- Someone pulled the old switcheroo with my water bottle. — Ben Johnson, sprinter.
- They (drugs) are used to treat my baldness. — track coach Sergei Voynov.
- It was beer, sex and no sleep. — Dennis Mitchell, sprinter.
- I took a contaminated iron supplement. — C.J. Hunter, shot putter.
- I took a Chinese herbal remedy made in the United States. — Andris Reinholds, rower.
- The Cuban mafia did it to me. — Javier Sotomayor, high jumper.
- The only thing we're taking is dried caterpillars and turtle soup. — Track coach Ma Junren.
Wouldn't you like to have these guys in the car when you got pulled over by the Highway Patrol?
The Austrians' excuse is seriously lacking, by comparison, but it was their first try, and you know how difficult it is to think of snappy comebacks, unless you're a cast member of "Friends."
The IOC is conducting tests on the paraphernalia to determine whose blood is in those bags, which could result in stripping Olympic medals and giving them to someone else — again. So far, three cross country athletes have had their gold medals removed.
Sad experience has taught us that the medals ceremony is subject to further review. Memo to IOC: From now on, mail the medals after the drug tests are completed.
(By the way, was anyone listening when they read the Olympic Oath during the opening ceremonies — particularly, the part about fair play and integrity? Or were they sleeping?)
Meanwhile, the Austrians undoubtedly have learned a valuable lesson. Next time they'll clean their own house.
Doug Robinson's column runs on Tuesdays. E-mail: drob@desnews.com.
© 2002 Deseret News Publishing Company