. . . blah blah blah blah this is your Olympic host Bob Costas and oh you're back I hadn't even noticed you were gone I have been talking non-stop for 10 days and I talk even when the cameras are off and you're asleep I talk even when I'm asleep In fact I'm asleep right now but my mouth just keeps working
I'm a medical marvel I don't even have to stop and breathe like normal people which is why there are no periods or commas in this column I haven't taken a breath since the opening ceremonies
Welcome to Day 10 and I hope you're enjoying NBC's Olympic coverage of Julia Louis-Dreyfus (I give her new show three weeks, tops) and Kevin Bacon playing the Kevin Bacon Game which was funny the first 1,000 times we showed it but not anymore and ditto for the Russian actor hitching a ride with a Coke and oh look it's time for another commercial but don't worry I'll keep talking even during the commercials I just tell myself amusing anecdotes about the Olympics such as the origins of curling which occurred sometime during the 16th century when it is said that Scottish soldiers were hard up for something to do during the long cold winters although others think they just had too much to drink ha ha ha The game is called curling today but some historians think it was originally called hurling which would make sense if they were drinking a lot Anyway as local newspaper columnist Lee Benson wrote "curling eventually evolved into the game we know and love today" We interrupt our commercials to bring you some Olympic coverage We want to begin today's coverage by reporting the results of the women's singles figure skating The gold medal went to Michelle Kwan of the U.S.A. with Sasha Cohen claiming the silver Oh wait a minute that isn't official yet due to a technicality They haven't actually held the event yet
Now as you know we're here in Salt Lake City which was settled by Brigham Young in 1847 and when he came here there was one tree in the valley and he was feeling sick You're probably wondering how I know that I know everything which is why in the middle of a World Series broadcast I can say "Paul O'Neill has an affinity for baseball history One of his prize possessions is a picture of himself at old Crosby Field at the age of six" Sometimes I amaze myself
No less amazing is the way I can find a cute impossibly smooth transition into the next story such as this Speaking of history the No. 1 story at these Olympics of course is the judging of the pairs figure skating competition Great just what this town needs Another scandal After endeavoring to conduct an inquiry into the scandal Olympic officials now place the blame on two people Tom and Dave One official said "It's highly suspicious we haven't seen or heard from them lately"
In a few minutes we'll check in with our friend Scott Hamilton at the Olympic figure skating venue where a clear theme for the Olympics has emerged The theme is quads, quads and more quads In quads we trust You can get dizzy listening to Scottie talk about quads like when he says "Ohhhhhhhh he landed the first quad triple triple Salchow Axel ever by someone with blond hair on a Friday afternoon in the Olympics" or "He did 11 quads in six seconds" Not that we're esoteric You probably don't know what that means but I do which is why I am Bob Costas The Amazing Olympic Talking Machine
Whenever we can we like to show you replays of Jamie Sale who owns half the Olympic supply of cuteness so here is another look at Jamie Here at NBC we like to say "When in doubt give 'em Jamie"
One of our NBC reporters reports that Sale and Pelletier are having trouble getting away from media types asking them about the controversy The reason our reporter knows that is because she is one of the media types that Sale and Pelletier are having trouble getting away from Let's put all this in perspective as only I can A scandal might prove to be the best thing that ever happened to Sale and Pelletier just ask Nancy Kerrigan and think of the attention they have been getting and the endorsement potential they'll have I'll bet we could air a commercial about them a thousand times speaking of which let's get back to our regularly scheduled commercials and while we're doing that I'll tell our camera crew about the luge, which is blah, blah, blah . . .
Doug Robinson's column runs daily during the Olympics. Please send e-mail to drob@desnews.com.
