Surviving Christmas

Out of the mouths of puppets. A tune in the marionette parody "Team America: World Police" mocks the war epic "Pearl Harbor" and suggests its star, Ben Affleck, needs acting lessons.

In the atrocious holiday comedy "Surviving Christmas," Affleck is as stilted and awkward as he's ever been, fumbling along with a dopey grin and way-over-the-top jocularity.

You could forgive some of Affleck's graceless hamming if anything in the movie was remotely watchable. But "Surviving Christmas," meant as a bonny holiday-from-hell romp, turns out to be purgatory for viewers.

The movie is dead from the outset given the artificiality of the premise about a lonely rich guy who hires the folks living in his boyhood home to be his family for the holidays.

In the clunky, hurried setup, the filmmakers impart no credibility, as if they figured Affleck's mug, the Christmas tinsel and trappings, and a few dumb sight gags would carry the day.

With such a pedigree, this cinematic lump of coal is no big surprise.

Affleck plays Drew Latham, whose nebulous career as a crackerjack idea man in marketing or product development or something along those lines is supposedly established in a scene where he pitches his bosses on the brilliant idea of pre-spiked eggnog.

Unable to face Christmas alone after a spat with his girlfriend, Drew visits the house where he grew up. After some inane hijinks with the owners, Tom and Christine Valco (James Gandolfini and Catherine O'Hara), Drew worms his way into their hearth and home by offering $250,000 if they'll pretend to be his parents for Christmas.

All this happens in the first few minutes, coming so fast and choppily that it barely gives moviegoers time to settle on which cupholder they'd like to keep their soda in.

The Valcos' reluctant daughter and son (Christina Applegate and Josh Zuckerman) get sucked along for the masquerade. Guess which sibling winds up in mistletoe mode with Drew?

The movie woefully wastes the enormous talents of Gandolfini and O'Hara, who look as though they could use a gallon or two of Drew's spiked nog to ease the pained expressions they wear most of the time.

As for Affleck, the "Team America" puppets were less stiff and more human. Affleck is so clumsy and shallow as Drew that there's no way to empathize with this poor little rich buffoon. This is one Christmas in October we could have done without.

"Surviving Christmas" is rated PG-13 for sexual content, language and a brief drug reference. Running time: 91 minutes.