Princess Diaries, The

It's hard to believe Julie Andrews waited 37 years just so she could make something as mediocre as "The Princess Diaries."

Though she has popped up from time to time in other projects (on the big screen, her last appearance was in 1986's "That's Life!"; on television, she appeared in this year's production of "On Golden Pond"), the last time Andrews graced a Disney theatrical feature was 1964's "Mary Poppins," something this overlong misfire would do well to emulate.

Instead, it's a half-hearted attempt by director Garry Marshall to rip off "Pygmalion," as well as replicate his smash 1990 hit "Pretty Woman." No kidding. Just witness the glamorization of lead actress Anne Hathaway, who's been made to look as much like a young Julia Roberts as possible. But if Andrews — who, admittedly, looks every bit as luminous as the last time she graced the big screen — can't save this movie, what chance does a second-rate Roberts have?

Nevertheless, Hathaway stars as Mia Thermopolis, a somewhat dorky and painfully shy San Francisco teen who longs to be more popular and secretly pines for a hunky classmate (Erik von Detten). At least one of those things is bound to change when her grandmother Clarisse (Andrews) shows up. It turns out Clarisse is actually the queen of Genovia, a small European country without a figurehead since its ruler — Mia's father — passed away.

But if Mia is going to save the kingdom, she has to start acting the part of princess. So she receives a makeover as well as a series of "princess lessons" from the queen — though Mia is supposed to keep them a secret. However, when the word gets out that one of their classmates is royalty, everyone at her school starts treating Mia differently. Unfortunately, she also starts to lose her sense of identity, as well as her longtime friends (Heather Matarazzo and Robert Schwartzman).

Just because the film is being marketed to preteen girls, that doesn't mean it has to seem as if it was written by preteen girls. (The script is written by Gina Wendkos, whose previous film work was on the unintentionally hilarious "Coyote Ugly").

And let's not even get into the film's rather shallow message about supposedly unattractive teens needing a makeover to be accepted.

Not that Marshall's clumsy direction helps. Of course, his hands are tied by a lead actress who seems to think a performance consists of smiling broadly and stumbling "comically."

Besides, it's hard to warm up to any film that gives the negligibly talented Mandy Moore a chance to sing a musical number (a cover of Neil Sedaka's "Stupid Cupid"), while the ultratalented Andrews is nearly silent. (Unfortunately, her splendid singing voice was destroyed by a botched vocal operation three years ago, thus ruling out any possibilities for a musical number from her.)

"The Princess Diaries" is rated G, though it does contain some scenes of slapstick violence and comic pratfalls. Running time: 115 minutes.

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