I don't know about you, but I'm on the edge of my seat, noshing on my cuticles waiting to hear if we are going to retain our membership in the United States.
Are we in or out? Do we need a new Pledge of Allegiance? Will this change our area code?
Just tell me I don't have to go to the DMV for a new license.
Maybe you've heard: Thousands of Utahns have signed an electronic petition to secede. Actually, citizens from all 50 states have signed these petitions to secede, and seven of those states have reached the 25,000 mark that requires a White House "review," as if Obama and Biden were Siskel and Ebert. "Two thumbs up!"
Texas, which once voted to secede from Mexico and somewhat succeeded, has nearly 100,000 votes to secede from the U.S.
Was it something we said?
Abraham Lincoln – now playing in a theater near you – must be crying into his top hat.
States want to divorce the U.S., citing irreconcilable differences. Some citizens of the not-so-United States want to take their ball and go home and start their own country. Of course, the last time this happened, it didn't work out too well. It was a bloody mess and a major inconvenience.
Utah Governor Gary Herbert said he has no plans to withdraw from the nation. But others — in Utah and around the country — seem to be trying to make a point and that point is that they are fed up with taxes and government and Obamacare and entitlements and bailouts and the president himself.
Or possibly they just don't like the post office service and the offering of cable TV packages.
Secede? Really? Maybe they meant "succeed," not "secede" — they want to succeed from the union. That must be it, because, otherwise, what are these people thinking?
Do they think they are going to do any better? That's like saying they're going to improve on electricity by inventing cold fusion. Good luck.
A lot of people think that the U.S. under Obama is a place to flee. The trouble is, in thousands of years of civilization, nobody has come up with anything better than the USA.
You don't secede from the country to which people are swimming rivers to gain entry. You don't secede from the system that produced most of the world's inventions; saved the world from two world wars; wrote the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and the Bill of Rights and made them all work; and produced so much cool stuff (iPhones, iPods, movies, TV, blue jeans) that other countries are rushing to embrace it all.
America is a source of emulation and, yes, jealousy and resentment for its success.
Oh, and it's worth noting that most countries fall under the category of "third-world country."
Secession? Maybe they should rethink this. Next thing you know Idaho will be calling us crackpots. Now that would hurt.
Have they really thought this through? If Utah secedes, it would create a whole new set of problems. We'd be a free agent, like Peyton Manning, able to sign on with another country, such as France or Madagascar or the highest bidder. Or we could go our own way like Utahns did when they came here in the first place.
We'd have to change our name. Utah is a nice name for a state, but not a country. I've always liked the name Canada, but apparently it's being used by the neighbors. How about Kolob, or Kolobumbia. Say hi to Kolob.
We'd have to come up with a new national anthem — Choose the Right. (Get it?! Bada-boom).
And pick a new flag — maybe the stick-figure family holding hands, borrowed from the back window of suburbans and mini-vans.
We'd need a President — Mitt Romney, our George Washington. Utahns will want to make him king, but he'll say no, of course. Senator Hatch will be his vice president, promising to stay only two terms but not really meaning it.
The state logo: A CTR ring.
This is just scratching the surface of all the details to work out. On second thought, forget the whole thing.
Most of the secessionists are justifying the move by invoking the Declaration of Independence's passage that states, "Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and institute new Government."
Personally, I don't think they meant a word of it, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Copyright 2015, Deseret News Publishing Company