Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb: If only the Pioneers had brought Twitter with them

Published: Saturday, Oct. 10 2015 11:32 a.m. MDT

Pignanelli & Webb: Notwithstanding the modern focus on entertainment and sports activities, the most important day in our state was not when Jimmer Fredette was drafted, or the Lady Gaga concert. The singular biggest event was July 24, 1847 —? 164 years ago today. Thus, in the spirit of the Pioneer Day holiday, we provide a "re-enactment" of Brother Brigham's entry into the valley using modern technology, including texts and tweets from political personalities.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: Just emerged from the mountains. What beauty and what potential. We should all give thanks to our Heavenly Father for our deliverance. But I must say that I am exhausted and feel poorly.

Orrin.hatch@wellpreserved.com: Brother Brigham, I have what you need ?— vitamins, antioxidants, and all sorts of alternative remedies. I also have a new arrival song, and I will sell you the MP3.

Jason.chaffetz@mediahound.com:< No, Brother Brigham, what you really need is young, vibrant, right-wing leadership to replace the dinosaurs, support you, and fight the feds.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: Just landed next to zoo, (no, not the Legislature, although there are a lot of strange beasts), and proclaimed, "This is the place." Now we must organize ourselves. Praise the Lord!

Utah.county.gop@nevertooright.com: Well, whatever we organize, you better make sure it's a republic and not a democracy.

Gayle.ruzicka@truebeliever.com: Whatever we charter, we must avoid the evil words "social" and "diversity."

Mike.lee@wannabeasupreme.com: And whatever we charter, it must have a balanced budget. Here's a book about it.

Jason.chaffetz@mediahound.com: And whatever we charter, it had better include cut, cap and balance.

Stephen.sandstrom@cutuputah.com: As part of the charter, I will provide political districts. Do you prefer a doughnut hole, or layer cake for Salt Lake County?

Curt.oda@doglover.com: Brother Brigham, I don't care about charters, but I hereby volunteer to organize the first annual feral cat hunt.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: Why are some of you burning paper money and demanding all transactions in gold or silver?

Mike.lee@wannabeasupreme.com: I have a wagonload of copies of the Constitution. The family may be starving for food and without clothes, but I am warmed by the wisdom of the Founding Fathers.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: We made it to the only tree in the valley. I will relax under the shade, sip some Brigham's Tea, and await for our brothers and sisters to gather.

Jason.chaffetz@mediahound.com: Please forbid full-body searches as the parties arrive. They are contrary to the gospel.

Cherilyn.eager@farrightmoneygroveling.com: I like that tea thing. Could we turn it into a tea party?

Becky.lockhart@toughasnails.com: I will go ahead and establish a colony of the faithful in Utah valley. We will declare ourselves independent, in thought and culture, from the rest of you.

Brad.dee@iloveweber.com: I am heading north with Brother Scott Jenkins. We better get the same treatment as those in the valley.

Lavar.christensen@keepingthefaith.com: Brother Brigham, can Brother P. Rockwell and the rest of the posse track down and punish those heathens who wrote and produced that blasphemous Broadway play?

Ralph.becker@greenie.com: Hold on! Don't kill them. We need that play to open for the new downtown Broadway theatre.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: I have arrived at a gentle part of the valley and have designated the spot for corner of Temple streets.

Rob.bishop@greyghost.com: Temple? You must mean the new baseball stadium. Great. I will start marking the diamond.

Jim.matheson@bluedog.com: I get to throw the first pitch. You know, I can throw left handed and right handed.

Gary.herbert@lucky.com: I can help organize the town and area. We are recognized for being great managers, after all.

Karen.morgan@lastdemocratinsandy.com: Ha! Whatever Herbert does, I can do better.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: So that commerce may thrive in the Land of Deseret, we must establish a bank … how about Zions Bank?

Mike.lee@wannabeasupreme.com: A bank? That means borrowing! We can have no borrowing in Zion. It leads to horrendous evils, such as debt-limit increases.

Thomas.wright@GOPpoliticaladulthood.com: Brother Brigham, help! Brothers Huntsman and Romney are wrestling in the mud and the congregation is picking sides. They are even wagering on the outcome.

Jim.dabakis@whowouldhavepredicted.com: I sense a business opportunity. Where can I construct the Diet Coke stand?

Michael.waddoups@almostoutofhere.com: Just no liquor stores.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: This is a time for celebration and a prayer of thanks.

Chris.herrod@crackillegalsskulls.com: But we're in Mexican territory with no documentation. I'll set up a printing press to create fake IDs with stolen Social Security numbers.

Steve.urquhart@don'teducateillegals.com: I just hope the Mexicans let us have buggy driving privileges, our children get in-state tuition, and our babies have citizenship.

Stephen.sandstrom@closetheborders.com: Let's just say we're all legal, but everyone who comes in after us are illegal aliens.

Curt.bramble@wrestlemania.com: Not so fast! We are all the Lord's children. Besides, who will pick the crops and clean our homes?

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: Brother Bramble is right. We need to live in peace with each other.

Jana.tobias@cuddlewithguns.com: Well, whatever we do together better be subject to GRAMA or else!

David.kirkham@teapartyrules.com: I expect everyone to sign their pledges — no matter how much they contradict each other.

David.litvack@niceguy.com: Can we have a pledge for diversity?

Ross.romero@nicebutnotasniceaslitvack.com: Yeah. Diversity also includes political differences. We better see some stuff for Democrats.

Ken.ivory@downwiththefeds.com: Our first political priority must be to become a state so I can defend states' rights!

Obnoxious.pointless@deseretnews.com: Frank and LaVarr here. Brother Brigham, who cares about politics! We just want to say thanks for another summer holiday.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: This is almost enough to drive a teetotaler to defy the Word of Wisdom. However, we'll be enacting some liquor laws to keep us all on the straight and narrow.

Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Previously he was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and Deseret News managing editor. Email: lwebb@exoro.com. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Pignanelli served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as minority leader. His spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is a state tax commissioner. Email: frankp@xmission.com.

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