Pignanelli & Webb: Summer in Utah is nice — dry heat, few bugs, water recreation and an extra holiday in July. In the spirit of Pioneer Day and reflecting on our heritage, we update an old column and provide a “re-enactment” of Brother Brigham’s entry into the valley using modern technology, including texts, tweets and email messages from political personalities.
firstname.lastname@example.org: Just emerged from the mountains. What beauty and what potential. We should all give thanks to Heavenly Father for our deliverance. But I must say that I am exhausted and feel poorly.
email@example.com@wellpreserved.com: Brother Brigham, I have what you need — vitamins, antioxidants, all sorts of alternative remedies and a new “Promised Land” CD you can buy to celebrate the arrival.
firstname.lastname@example.org: Who are these brothers and sisters atop small, strange four-wheel vehicles screaming as they drive through pristine wilderness with guns and flags?
Ken.email@example.com: They are divine warriors of light fighting the evil BLM and satanic federal government. They’re ready for Johnston’s Army!
firstname.lastname@example.org: Sounds like we need to institute a legal structure in this new territory.
Sean.email@example.com Yeah, let’s forbid our legal officers from befriending shady characters who own fancy buggies and offer trips to beautiful resorts.
firstname.lastname@example.org: Just proclaimed, “This is the place.” Now we must organize ourselves. Praise the Lord!
Utah.email@example.com: Well, whatever we organize, you better make sure it's a republic and not a democracy.
Gayle.firstname.lastname@example.org: And our schools must avoid any hint of the satanic Common Core.
email@example.com: I have a wagonload of copies of the Constitution. We didn’t have room for food or clothes, so we might need to borrow some, but I am warmed by the wisdom of the Founding Fathers.
firstname.lastname@example.org: We made it to the only tree in the valley. I will relax under the shade, seek refreshment, and await for our brothers and sisters to gather.
email@example.com Need refreshment? We sense a business opportunity with dark carbonated bubbly liquid that is low in calorie but very addictive.
firstname.lastname@example.org: Remember our brothers and sisters on bicycles are the chosen blessed who can travel anywhere without the rules required of wagons. Those who park wagons in my city can expect a hefty fee.
email@example.com: Bicyclists are the true soldiers and handmaidens of the Lord.
Jason.firstname.lastname@example.org: Where are the reporters in this wilderness territory? I have wisdom to impart.
Utah.email@example.com: We will establish a colony of the true faithful in Utah Valley and declare ourselves independent, in thought and culture, from you Salt Lake City infidels.
firstname.lastname@example.org: The really smart and savvy will go to Park City, where we will one day view independent cinema and slide down snowhills on skinny boards.
Brad.email@example.com: I am heading north and I demand we receive the same treatment of government largesse as those in the valley.
Spencer.firstname.lastname@example.org: Brother Ralph Okerlund and I will establish colonies in rural areas where we will raise our families in bucolic paradise.
Greg.hughes@UTAchair.com: We are a frugal people who respect the land and air quality and we should travel efficiently in group wagons at everyone else’s expense.
email@example.com: I have arrived at a gentle part of the valley and have designated the spot for corner of Temple streets.
Rob.firstname.lastname@example.org: Temple? You must mean the new baseball stadium. I will start marking the diamond.
Jim.email@example.com: I get to throw the first pitch. You know, I can throw left handed and right handed.
firstname.lastname@example.org: I can help organize the town and area. I see us being recognized as the best-managed territory.
Becky.email@example.com: Ha! Sounds like an inaction figure to me.
firstname.lastname@example.org: What? Rookies! Only a private sector veteran with big ideas can offer a real vision.
email@example.com: So that commerce may thrive in the Land of Deseret, we must establish a bank how about Zions Bank?
firstname.lastname@example.org: Fabulous idea! This Zions Bank can be an Ensign to the world of good works and community service.
email@example.com: Wait! This valley needs a bank with a name that inspires confidence how about First Security? Plus, we have an idea for plastic cards that provide credit.
firstname.lastname@example.org: I am sure both institutions will coexist in peace and harmony.
jamesevans@GOPchair.com: Help! The faithful are fighting over whether a handful of the select or the great unwashed determine party nominees.
Jim.email@example.com This is why we need two newspapers. The first to be established by the original pioneers and the second to provide self-righteous blather why we are all wrong.
firstname.lastname@example.org: This is a time for celebration and a prayer of thanks.
Curt.email@example.com: Oh no! We’re in Mexican territory without documentation. I hope the Mexicans let us have buggy driving privileges, work permits, our children get in-state tuition, and our babies have citizenship.
Ben.Mcadams@reallyniceguy.com: We have cities, counties, special districts, overlapping services. Can’t we bring order to this valley?
Obnoxious.firstname.lastname@example.org: Frank and LaVarr here. Brother Brigham, who cares about politics or parades! We just want to say thanks for another summer holiday.
email@example.com: What a mess! Will anyone notice if I go on to San Diego?
Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Previously he was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and a Deseret News managing editor. E-mail:firstname.lastname@example.org. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Pignanelli served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as House minority leader. E-mail:email@example.com.