On second thought

Published: Monday, June 30 2014 12:00 a.m. MDT

Uruguay's Luis Suarez holds his teeth after running into Italy's Giorgio Chiellini's shoulder during the group D World Cup soccer match between Italy and Uruguay at the Arena das Dunas in Natal, Brazil, Tuesday, June 24, 2014.

Hassan Ammar, Associated Press

Enlarge photo»

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

The irony is that, prior to the World Cup, the coach of Uruguay’s team was talking about the need to add teeth to his team’s attack.

Uruguay’s forward Luis Suarez bit an Italian player during a World Cup game. In his defense, the Italian told him he hadn’t had a bite all day.

In typical soccer fashion, Suarez fell to the ground and grabbed his mouth, as if to say he was the victim of a foul. Soccer referees need more cards in their pockets. In addition to yellow and red, they should carry a polka dot card to signal, “Stop clowning around.”

Actually, Suarez heard that some young man named Charlie went viral on YouTube after biting his brother’s finger, and everyone thought that was cute.

Americans are trying to understand the nuances of soccer. For instance, the U.S. tied Portugal, then lost to Germany last week, which was good enough to advance to the next round. Until now, the Chicago Cubs were the only organization in American sports that could profit from not winning.

Turns out soccer is the reason kids in other countries do so much better at math than American kids. Without an understanding of calculus, no one can figure out which team really is ahead.

Americans complain about how silly it is to have a contest in which you can lose and yet win. I’m guessing Al Gore is not laughing.

It’s a bit frightening to consider that, of all the trouble spots in the world right now, the one that isn’t giving the United States fits is the one Dennis Rodman went to as an unofficial ambassador.-

Syria has launched air strikes against terrorists in Iraq. Iran announced it is sending drones to do the same, and Russia is providing Iraq’s army with fighter jets. All we need now is for al Qaida to join and it will be unanimous. ISIS may be a tough new group of bad guys, but it could do a better job of public relations.

President Obama, meanwhile, has yet to decide whether to get involved in Iraq. Hey, if all the bad guys are killing each other, why bother?

Lela Babb Burden of Norfolk, Va., received her high school diploma this month at the age of 111. Apparently, she had trouble passing history class until she had lived most of it.

Burden was doing fine in school until the influenza epidemic of 1918 struck and the school shut down for a while. She got a job and never returned. Word has it last month she finally forged her mother’s signature on a note excusing her from class.

Jay Evensen is the senior editorial columnist at the Deseret News. Email him at even@desnews.com. For more content, visit his web site, jayevensen.com.

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