Ask Angela: Fiance calls off wedding when she opened up about past porn addiction
I was engaged to be married last week, and now I’m not. My former fiancé and I decided to have an open conversation with each other where we talked about our past relationships, our finances and any other issues we felt were important to bring up.
I confided in him that I had a problem with a pornography addiction. Before I could really even talk about it, he cut me off and said, “I was terrified that you would say that. This is an absolute deal breaker for me.” I was really hurt by that comment, because it was a past trial, and I was sharing this information with him because I trusted him and didn’t want to keep secrets. But before I could say anything, he just got up and left. Later that night, I received an email from him saying that the wedding was off and that I should begin telling my family that he and I were no longer together. He promised he wouldn’t share the reasons why with anyone, but he wished me luck in my future life and I haven’t heard from him since.
There’s more to the story, of course, but those are the nuts and bolts. I’m devastated. Maybe I made the wrong choice by opening up about my past like that. What do you think? I haven’t told my family yet in hopes that he will calm down and we can talk. Do you think there’s any way he just needs time? Or to you, does it sound like it’s over? What do I do from here?
Dear The Past,
I don’t want to spring into fiancé-bashing mode, but what kind of guy ends a relationship with the girl he was going to marry in an email?
I don’t know if you should or should not have told him about the pornography; that was your personal choice. Ultimately, given his reaction, it’s good that this came out now before you two got married. Marriage isn’t always smiles and kisses because it’s a relationship comprised of two different and imperfect people.
Yes, addiction to pornography is a serious issue, but he doesn’t seem to care for you in a way where he’s willing to even try to work through something difficult. After all, he didn’t say, “Hey this is serious, let’s date a little bit longer and postpone the wedding.” Or “Hey I need to digest this and let’s talk later.” No, he said “deal breaker” and goodbye without even hearing you out. Not cool.
As sad and as devastated as you feel now, what you did took courage. Admitting to past mistakes and struggles, especially one as sensitive and uncomfortable as this one, is not easy, but it shows a desire to be one with your future spouse. There is a man out there who will appreciate that and love you even more for it.
Your past does not make you a bad person, and it certainly doesn’t make you un-marry-able.
He may cool off in a few days and want to talk with a more reasonable perspective about things — and that would be great, but don’t lay in your bed crying and wishing for that. Spend time doing things for other people, surround yourself with friends who see how wonderful and beautiful you are and in those quiet moments when all you can do is cry, pray that God will help to calm and soothe your broken heart.
We love you and hope this helps.
Readers: What advice would you give her fiancé? For you, what carries more weight: who a person was or who a person is now? How can she move on?
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Angela Trusty is a millennial writer who lives and writes about the young single adult Mormon experience. Twitter: askange_column
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