There’s a reason that date night — whether you’re a couple testing the waters to see if there’s a lasting relationship in the future or a married couple that stays strong by making time for regular dates — is a great place to look at not just your own behavior, but how it intersects with that of other people.
“Behavior is always a team sport,” said Grenny. “Other people play a role in my behavior, influencing, provoking. It’s always a social process. Even if you’re thinking about career advancement, others play a powerful supporting role” in decisions and process.
One of the behaviors he and his wife, Celia, adopted from the moment they exchanged their "I dos," Grenny said, was date night. Twenty-six years later, they still regularly carve out special together time to enhance their marriage. That's also the purpose of the myriad date night activities that are embraced in communities as diverse as Chicago and Chattanooga, Palm Springs and Houston.
A couple of years ago, the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia published a date night report that said couples who interact with the focus they exhibited in the beginning of their relationship are more likely to enjoy a high-quality relationship and lower divorce rates.
Benefits cited in the report, "The Date Night Opportunity," include better communication, sexual satisfaction and commitment. Interaction, it said, is more beneficial than passive activity like watching a movie. Activities that are not routine do the most for the relationship. So, speaking of change, change it up a bit.
Robert Brooks, assistant clinical professor of psychology in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and past director of the Department of Psychology at McLean Hospital in Boston, writes about the power of changing one's own behavior as a tool to change young lives. On Greatschools.org, his advice includes not expecting the other person to make the first change. One’s own willingness to alter behavior can spark change in someone else. He also suggests figuring what hasn’t worked so that you can take a different tack. Doing so often leads to new solutions that may be more effective, he wrote.
Life is about the little decisions, which add up to and influence the bigger ones. Take eating habits and what you wish your kids would do. If you put cookies in a clear plastic bag in the refrigerator, Grenny said, they are three times more likely to be eaten than if you put them in a dark bag. It makes a difference, too, whether they’re on the top shelf or the bottom.
Do you put a candy dish on your counter or a bowl of fruit, he asked.
Some of the decisions are cultural or traditional, as in, “My mother or father did it this way.”
It’s astonishing how many choices in a home affect children’s study habits and how well they do in school, whether they get interested in books or like to spend time with the family. That’s the empowering thing, Grenny said. You can target the change you want and alter behavior. There’s a lot that can be done besides traditional nagging or making someone feel guilty.
Life is filled with what experts call consequential decisions, but they’re often made with little understanding of what the consequences might be. Grenny uses the example of a teenage boy who says he’d like to have the unfinished basement for his bedroom.
“I’m not saying whether he should or shouldn’t, but the decision to make his room a staircase — an entire floor — away will have profound consequences on the strength of the relationship and opportunities to cooperate and interact,” said Grenny.
“Many parents make decisions naively: It would be fun for him to have his own room, so go ahead.”
Examining the decision a bit more closely might alter it — or the outcome it brings.
Couples have especially good opportunities to modify behaviors and affect change. There’s power when couples share a vocabulary and a common way of thinking about problems, then tackle them together.
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