President Obama hosted the Chinese leader last week, making sure the Chinese are still willing to make the federal government’s monthly credit card payments.
Meanwhile, somewhere in an undisclosed hideout, the meeting of the secret society of government secret-stealers is about to come to order, Daniel Ellsberg presiding.
Ellsberg: We note the excused absence of Pfc. Bradley Manning. We’d also like to welcome our newest member, Edward Snowden!
Snowden: Thank you.
Julian Assange: Welcome, although I knew you’d be here.
Snowden: How’s that?
Assange: I took the liberty of stealing your diary and posting it online this morning.
Snowden: Oh really? Well, maybe you’d like to know what the NSA recorded you saying in a telephone call with a certain Swedish woman.
Ellsberg: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Why must this always happen?
Snowden: So, who gave the Atlantic those pictures of me as a teenager?
Ellsberg: I don’t know, but now I believe that clearly some things ought to remain secret.
(Enter Chinese leader Xi Jinping)
All: What are you doing here?
Xi: You guys are easy to find. We hacked into the IRS, which gave us Snowden’s Social Security number, which helped us track his calls through the NSA, which helped us get his VISA card number, which let us trail him to the convenience store down the street. A breakfast burrito? Really?
Xi: There’s only one problem.
Xi: Once we hacked into the IRS, the tea party was on to us. They followed me and are waiting outside, wondering if we will let them join.
- In our opinion: Supreme Court rules...
- Letter: A worldwide message
- John Florez: Education is 'app' to change...
- In our opinion: Becky Lockhart's tributes are...
- Letter: No end in sight
- Jay Evensen: Obama must make religious...
- In our opinion: Obama's State of the Union...
- A. Scott Anderson: Taking Utah into Top 10...
- In our opinion: Obama's State of the... 70
- Jay Evensen: Obama must make religious... 54
- In our opinion: How immigration reform... 43
- 6 important takeaways for families in... 37
- In our opinion: Obama's broadband... 36
- In our opinion: Supreme Court rules... 34
- Letter: Not so lazy 33
- Jay Evensen: Leave free tuition... 31