President Obama hosted the Chinese leader last week, making sure the Chinese are still willing to make the federal government’s monthly credit card payments.
Meanwhile, somewhere in an undisclosed hideout, the meeting of the secret society of government secret-stealers is about to come to order, Daniel Ellsberg presiding.
Ellsberg: We note the excused absence of Pfc. Bradley Manning. We’d also like to welcome our newest member, Edward Snowden!
Snowden: Thank you.
Julian Assange: Welcome, although I knew you’d be here.
Snowden: How’s that?
Assange: I took the liberty of stealing your diary and posting it online this morning.
Snowden: Oh really? Well, maybe you’d like to know what the NSA recorded you saying in a telephone call with a certain Swedish woman.
Ellsberg: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Why must this always happen?
Snowden: So, who gave the Atlantic those pictures of me as a teenager?
Ellsberg: I don’t know, but now I believe that clearly some things ought to remain secret.
(Enter Chinese leader Xi Jinping)
All: What are you doing here?
Xi: You guys are easy to find. We hacked into the IRS, which gave us Snowden’s Social Security number, which helped us track his calls through the NSA, which helped us get his VISA card number, which let us trail him to the convenience store down the street. A breakfast burrito? Really?
Xi: There’s only one problem.
Xi: Once we hacked into the IRS, the tea party was on to us. They followed me and are waiting outside, wondering if we will let them join.
- Letter: Eroding the BSA
- Jay Evensen: An Obama-created monument in...
- Richard Davis: Planned Parenthood scandal...
- In our opinion: Time to phase out federal...
- In our opinion: Teacher pay one way to help...
- Letter: Envision Utah scam
- Jay Evensen: Muhammad Yunus wants to end...
- My view: Utah leaders, don't let EPA fool you...
- In our opinion: Trump's statements on... 70
- Letter: Eroding the BSA 51
- Jay Evensen: An Obama-created monument... 46
- In our opinion: Teacher pay one way to... 42
- Letter: Human body 41
- Richard Davis: Planned Parenthood... 37
- In our opinion: Time to phase out... 25
- In our opinion: School libraries need... 19