Too extreme? How about arming each candidate with a bike horn? That way instead of having to patiently wait, sighing heavily, while the other candidate went on and on about you, you could presidentially honk your horn to drown him out. Then, sometime during the opening statements the networks could make the debate screen into a little box of honkers and we could watch regular network programming while we enjoyed the debates, too.
And now that the replacement refs are out of work, what if we brought them in and let them call penalties on the candidates and gave them the power to keep score or suddenly end the contest? A little humor wouldn't hurt things any. We could even test out the candidates by rolling a football across the stage and letting them each dive to see who was best at recovering fumbles. The refs could then rule against the winner and we could see how the candidates deal with an injustice. That might create some very entertaining "gaffes" and we'd get to see Mitt Romney's hair messed up.
Of course, I believe a combination of all three ideas would work best. I know, I know, I didn't build this campaign or our democracy. There are going to be some bumps in the road in an imperfect system. If they put me in charge, I'd probably just get fired by someone who likes to fire people and then I'd end up being dependent upon the government.
Instead, I'll just sit back and watch them argue. Oh, I'll have my own bike horn to keep me company, even though that's not my first choice. My wife has already warned me that — "especially during the debates!" — garden hoses are not allowed in the house.
Steve Eaton lives and works in Logan, Utah. He can be reached at Eatonnews@gmail.com
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