Carmen Rasmusen Herbert: Did you marry a religion or a person?

Published: Wednesday, July 18 2012 5:00 a.m. MDT

I was raised to think like a Mormon.

Especially when it came to choosing a marriage partner.

I did all the typical things a single Mormon might do after graduating high school: I went to Brigham Young University, lived in the dorms, attended a singles ward and dated guys that were members of the LDS Church like me. Sure, I went on a few dates here and there with some “non-members,” and to this day have many great friends of different faiths. But when it came down to getting serious with someone, I picked among the people who thought and believed like I did.

I was told that would assure me the greatest chance of happiness in marriage. I also have a firm testimony in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and made the goal as a young girl that I wanted to marry someone who felt the same way — for many reasons.

Now that I’ve been married coming up on seven years this winter, I realize now more than ever that my decision has been a good one. I did find a great man who is also a Mormon to marry. But more than just “marrying a religion,” I wanted to marry someone who was on the same wavelength as I was — someone who agreed with me on how to raise a family and live a good life.


I have several family members who have chosen to marry people of a different religion who also have rich, meaningful lives and have been able to raise children despite some core difference of belief. It hasn’t always been easy; they’ll be the first to tell you that. Nevertheless, they’ve made it work and have been happy working together and trying new ways of doing things.

So which way guarantees the most happiness?

“According to calculations based on the American Religious Identification Survey of 2001, people who had been in mixed-religion marriages were three times more likely to be divorced or separated than those who were in same-religion marriages,” says an article in the Washington Post.

A paper published in 1993 found that if members of two mainline Christian denominations marry, they have a 1-in-5 chance of being divorced in five years. If a Catholic and a member of an evangelical denomination marry, their chances jump up to 1 in 3. And a Christian and Jew who marry have a greater than 40 percent chance of being divorced in five years, according to findings by Evelyn Lehrer, a professor of economics at the University of Illinois at Chicago.

On the one hand, it could be argued that inter-faith marriages are “good for civic life,” as the Washington Post states.

“There is nothing like marriage between different groups to make society more integrated and more tolerant.”

And, “as recent research by Harvard professor Robert Putnam has shown, the more Americans get to know people of other faiths, the more they seem to like them.”

But for some reason, this acceptance hasn't been translating as well to marriage.

Take the latest Hollywood tragedy of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Cruise is an avid and out-spoken Scientologist — Holmes was raised Catholic. Originally gushing about her excitement about embracing a new religion — “I’m learning to celebrate my own spirit, my own being,” she told W magazine in 2005 — Holmes is now taking a step way back. Not only has she filed for divorce, but she’s also asked for full legal custody of their daughter, 6-year-old Suri, probably so she can have control over her “health, education and religion,” says New York matrimonial attorney Nancy Chemtob (who is not involved in this case.)

Try out the new DeseretNews.com design!
try beta learn more
Get The Deseret News Everywhere