The Boston Red Sox learned the key to winning the World Series, which is to have your players look like the Taliban in order to intimidate your opponent.
The last time the Red Sox won the series at home was in 1918. But judging by the beards of current players, they have more in common with those who played in 1880.
At one point, I couldn't tell whether it was Rutherford B. Hayes or ZZ Top at bat. Remember the good old days when baseball players did razor commercials? Now they can store their gloves on their chins.
Only six people were able to sign up for Obamacare on the first day it was available last month. That sounds bad, but any good PR person could put a positive spin it. Some suggestions:
—We had more enrollees than you could comfortably stuff in your coat closet.
—We enrolled enough people for a basketball team, plus a substitute!
—If you had a dollar for everyone who signed up the first day, you could eat almost a whole lunch at a fast-food place!
—If you thought the 2012 Republican primaries were crowded, you should see all the people who signed up for Obamacare the first day!
—Talk about personal service. We know every enrollee by name!
And my personal favorite, designed to attract world leaders:
—Rest assured your information is safe. We don't think even the NSA could penetrate this site.
Great news — from now on you will be able to enter the airport, fly across the country and never once have to look up from your phone.
Other than the driver's seat of your car, an airplane below 10,000 feet was the only place you were forced to look around and at least passively acknowledge that other real people existed. Thank goodness that awkwardness is gone.
Correction: The president of Brazil is a she, not a he. Last week I mistakenly got it wrong, which sapped the life out whatever humor there was in a lame joke. It also apparently sapped the humor out of some of you, judging from my email inbox. For that, I sincerely apologize.