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Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb: Some newspaper headlines you'll never see published

Published: Sunday, Sept. 1 2013 12:00 a.m. MDT

Columnists Pignanelli and Webb examine how events, people and trends of the past 12 months have influenced Utah politics.

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Happy Labor Day weekend, the traditional end of summer. LaVarr is excited for the change of seasons and the beauty of fall colors. Frank is lamenting it's getting too chilly to lounge around the yard in grungy shorts and tank top, libation in hand. So, in the spirit of kicking back, we offer newspaper headlines and sub heads that we'd smile about — but that will never be printed:

Gov. Herbert gives speech without mentioning Utah has nation's best economy — Staff apologizes for oversight and pledges governor will mention it six times in next address.

Sen. Orrin Hatch to perform his patriotic music in duet with Miley Cyrus — Senior statesman pledges to rehabilitate Miley's reputation.

Congressman Jason Chaffetz feared lost or kidnapped — Conservative lawmaker has not appeared on CNN or Fox News in last 24 hours.

House speaker admits feelings of fear and intimidation — Lockhart says the Utah Senate, especially, frightened her for almost five seconds.

Liberals laud Jim Matheson for his statesmanship in Congress — Left-wing organizations understand he represents a conservative state and appreciate his moderate stances.

Eagle forum leader praises fall cable television line-up for diversity of entertainment — 'It's a new golden age of entertainment that modernizes societal boundaries,' says Gayle Ruzicka.

Mike Lee grows weary of Constitution — 'Once you have it memorized and cite it 10 times a day, it gets rather tedious,' divulges the constitutional scholar.

Utahn describes miraculous and surreal experience — 'I walked four blocks in downtown SLC without encountering a panhandler,' offers dumbfounded resident.

Majority of state delegates describe themselves as irrational extremists — 'The moon landing hoax has been replaced by a global warming conspiracy,' says a proposed convention resolution.

McAdams has harsh words for opponents — The Salt Lake County mayor lashes out with, 'I really disagree!' then apologizes for any offense taken.

Democratic chairman concurs with GOP on minor detail — Jim Dabakis concedes Republicans have a point once in a while.

Republican leader believes Democrats provide value to discussion — James Evans admits minority party is not 'spawn of Satan.'

Chad Bennion admits to having ethnic heritage — 'We are all products of our upbringing,' GOP County Chair reveals. 'Mine makes me distrust district attorneys.'

Bishop named most stoic member of Congress — First District congressman tears up over winning award. 'This is almost as great as when the Cubs won a baseball game,' he blubbers.

Senate president survives long-winded speeches daydreaming of bicycle excursions — Back-bencher yelling 'point of order!' wakes up Wayne Niederhauser.

Utahns grow more rebellious — Diet Coke consumption rises in Beehive State.

Thousands of interested citizens show up for candidate debate — (Sorry, that was an April Fool's Day joke)

Greg Bell admits job boredom — Health care, transportation, education, elections and ethics not enough to keep lieutenant governor busy.

Stewart wants tougher air pollution rules, based on 'secret science' — Congressman worries hidden scientific data sets underestimate impact of human activity on environment.

Former attorney general questions his socializing with felon — 'What was I thinking?' asks Shurtleff.

Lobbyists concerned about pampering legislators too much — Professional schmoozers place good public policy above their personal relationships with elected officials.

Becker wonders if accommodating bicyclists has gone too far — SLC mayor considers re-opening 500 South, 600 South, State Street and I-15 to cars.

Hinckley Institute director confesses to not having an opinion — Jowers totally speechless when asked by TV reporter, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'

Pignanelli/Webb pen substantive column — 'An event to remember!' exclaim Deseret News editors.

Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Previously he was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and Deseret News managing editor. Email: lwebb@exoro.com. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Pignanelli served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as minority leader. His spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is a state tax commissioner. Email: frankp@xmission.com.

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