Later, after adding base jumping to her repertoire, she wrote, "New base jumpers are like drug addicts, and I was no different. But if I didn't climb constantly, I suffered racking climbing withdrawals and, even worse, loss of painfully earned climbing fitness. So every day was a desperate attempt to satisfy my vertical cravings."
She has free-soloed granite cliffs alone, she has hiked mountains in the middle of the night to start sunrise solo climbs, she has climbed in rain and cold when one slip or numb fingers could mean death, she has slept in caves and pickup trucks and Oldsmobiles and tents.
She has continued to climb even through the times of her deepest despair, which is the focus of her latest book. Davis and her first husband, Dean Potter, were able to earn a living from their climbing exploits thanks to sponsorships from climbing companies. But the five-year marriage crumbled in the wake of Potter's controversial climb of Delicate Arch in 2006. The public anger over the climb of such a revered landmark resulted in the loss of climbing sponsorships for the couple and, as Davis tells it, the added financial stress contributed to their breakup.
Reeling from the demise of her relationship with Potter, she drove from California — where the couple had been climbing in Yosemite — to their home in Moab, or at least that was the plan. Distraught and disillusioned, she drove past the Moab exit and wound up back in Colorado, where she threw herself headlong (literally sometimes) into climbing and the other vertical challenges.
During the next few months, she began free soloing, skydiving, wingsuit flight and base jumping while struggling to come to grips with her marital breakup. It is tempting to see a metaphor in her first free solo attempt, which was made on Longs Peak Diamond in Colorado — a sheer, 1,000-foot granite face. After sleeping alone in a cave, she awoke at 3 a.m. and hiked to the base of the peak, tears flowing down her cheeks as she drew close to the face. She began her lonely climb at dawn and during the ascent she had an epiphany: She experienced real fear for the first time.
As she writes, "I stood with my shoulders tipped back slightly, one hand buried in a crack, feet stemmed out a little, the wall dropping away a thousand feet below my rock shoes. I started to reach high for a side pull with the other hand, making sure the other was still securely jammed into the crack before I let go to take it. I hesitated. I heard the beat of my heart pounding loud inside my ears. With no warning, my mind instantly cartwheeled into images of my body falling down the wall, and tumbling for another thousand feet … Like an onslaught of invading enemies, tension, paralysis and weakness rushed into my limbs. I froze in position, like a rabbit in the headlights of a truck. I knew that I had to move, immediately, before my panic took over completely, but I had to move with control or I would definitely fall and die. Shaking, yet clamping down on the holds through sheer instinct to survive, I fought through the panic and climbed to the safer, vertical terrain."
From that experience, Davis says she realized she didn't have a death wish and that she was not fearless — she was simply able to stare down that fear, and she applied that experience broadly.
"I needed to get control of fear, completely," she writes. "It had been progressively, insidiously destroying my life and destroying me, and I wasn't going to be a slave to it any longer. Fear and I were done."
There are safer ways to achieve such catharsis, but Davis became hooked on the demands that death-defying climbs made on her. Ask her why she free solos and why the thrill of climbing with a rope isn't enough, she says, "It demands total focus."
In an online video posted on Vimeo, Davis tells the camera, "To be able to free solo, that is an expression of being so in control that you know you're going to be able to do it without falling. There is a pretty strong mental dialogue and a pretty strong engagement with fear. It's hard to push past that fear. It takes a lot of thought and preparation, and I don't have to be paralyzed by fear."
Davis literally climbed out of her despair, and along the way she met Richard, a pilot and base jumper, and returned to her home in Moab to start life anew.
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