Dan Cepeda, All
SALT LAKE CITY —
How bad is airline travel these days? Let's put it this way — never ask someone this question unless you've got an hour:
How was your flight?
If it was meant to be merely a polite question so you can be on your way, you've made a serious tactical error. Nobody answers that question anymore with a word: "Fine." You want to avoid asking that question for the same reason you'd never ask a jogger about his last marathon.
Not that I have anything against airlines other than the food, the grumpy airline employees, lost luggage, extra luggage costs, cramped space, the late arrivals, overbooking, cancellations, the frisk job at security, the expense, the long lines, the giving away of your tickets to another passenger while you are standing right there at the counter.
Not that I'm bitter.
If service businesses were ranked like football teams, airlines would never get a bowl game.
So I was not even mildly surprised when I read a recent news report that airline passenger complaints to the Department of Transportation increased last year by 20 percent from the previous year.
Not that the airlines care. Recently, Delta Air Lines announced that it is going to make its bathrooms smaller so four seats can be added.
Memo to Delta: We said FEWER PASSENGERS, BIGGER BATHROOM, not MORE PASSENGERS, SMALLER BATHROOM.
As Exhibit A on the perils of airline flight, I offer this: My son Preston and his business partner, Patrick, recently returned from a trip to Kenya, so I ventured The Question.
How was your flight?
Buckle your seat belt, this is going to take a while. Preston experienced an airline sampler of what is wrong with airline travel (I won't mention the name of his airline because that would be embarrassing to that airline — it's DELTA — D-E-L-T-A!!!!).
Here is the log of his flight adventures aboard DELTA AIRLINES:
Flight from Salt Lake to Portland delayed about 50 minutes. The fun is beginning already.
Arrive in Portland almost an hour late. They board a plane bound — theoretically — for Amsterdam. A scheduled two-hour layover is about to grow to eight hours.
Captain announcement after a two-hour wait on the tarmac: "Sorry for the delay; our gauges are showing an error in the fuel switches."
This will be the first of many announcements every 20 to 30 minutes, followed by promises that "it shouldn't be long now."
Captain announcement: "We need to have the fuel switch replaced. We are looking for the part. We'll get back to you."
(Snarky side note: Apparently, Delta doesn't stock spare parts and has to shop for them at AutoZone or maybe another airline that thinks of such things.)
Pilot announcement: "We finally located the part. We are negotiating with United (Airlines) to get the part."
Pilot announcement: "We were able to get the part. Now someone is going to come and install it."
Pilot announcement. "We don't know if this will fix the problem, so we're going to have passengers get off the plane."
Pilot announcement one hour later, after passengers reboard: "The problem is not fixed. We can't fly internationally, but we can fly to Atlanta, where we will change planes and then fly to Amsterdam."
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