Rock On: How Utes can log a sellout

TOE WOE

A jewelry store in Baltimore says if the Ravens shut out San Francisco in the Super Bowl, it will refund up to $5,000 to anyone who buys at the store between now and then.

Whoa! Back up a second. The customer can score romance points by, say, getting pearls for the wife, AND get back enough money to finance a trip to next year's Super Bowl?

Sounds like a winner. Rock On has just the strategy to make it happen, too: Be sure the Niners kick for their points. They've missed 13 field goal attempts this season.

Who knew David Akers could be the key to true love?

DOUBLE DUD

Ah, the pure pursuit of excellence.

Northern Illinois University broke its own NCAA mark for awful offense last week, scoring just four points in the first half of a loss to Eastern Michigan. It scored five points in a half earlier this season.

NIU made just one of its first 31 shots last Saturday, and trailed 18-4 at the break.

Which for some reason still doesn't make Utah's 31-point loss to Stanford look any better, does it?

TIME TESTED

The aforementioned Utah loss marked the first Sunday home basketball game in school history.

Was it a disaster for the Utes? On the court, yes — they lost by a landslide. In the seats? Depends on whom you ask. Although maybe 3,500 or 4,000 actually attended, the announced (paid) number was 7,769 — 366 more than this year's average.

Which seems to indicate an announced attendance of 10,000 if they'll only play a game at 3:30 a.m. on a Wednesday.

WONDER WORLD

Phone hoax victim Manti Te'o and his parents conducted a tearful interview with Katie Couric last Thursday, coming off as remorseful, humble and embarrassed.

Meanwhile, Lance Armstrong was thinking to himself: "What'd I say? What'd I say?"

VOICEOVER

A lawyer for accused hoaxer Ronaiah Tuiasosopo said his client impersonated the voice of Te'o's imaginary girlfriend, speaking in a falsetto.

What, Mike Tyson wasn't available to do that?

NON-INDIGENOUS

NBA commissioner David Stern apparently loves New Orleans changing its name to the Pelicans.

"I think everything sounds good. I think Lakers, have you seen any lakes in Los Angeles?" he told USA Today. "There's the same amount of lakes in L.A. as there is jazz in Utah or grizzlies in Memphis."

True, but the really awkward question is how many kings there are in Sacramento.

email: rock@desnews.com