I'd like to thank everyone for joining me here in the B section for today's announcement. Having listened to political candidates bore away for months, I have reached two conclusions: 1) None of them are telling me what I want to hear; 2) I'm running for office.
Consider this my official declaration: I'm a write-in candidate. For what office? Preferably, one with a view.
My motto: Focusing on the things that hit you where you live. If I am elected:
Bigger bicycle seats for everybody. Is there a law that says bike seats must be the size of postage stamps? If so, consider it repealed. Under my administration, they'll be the size of toilet seats. In fact, they WILL be toilet seats. They'll be so comfy, you'll want to watch TV and read on them even when the bike is parked in the garage.
You will never see the Kardashians on TV or the Internet again. For that matter, I'll also ban Whatshername Lohan, Lady Gaga, Charlie Sheen, anyone with the last name of Jackson, Britney Whatshername, Paris Whatshername, Miley Cyrus, and rising troublemaker Amanda Bynes.
I also will ban from the TV that terminally grumpy, foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsay, because, as Woodrow Call said, "I hate rude behavior in a man. I won't tolerate it." If he appears on TV again, he will be forced to eat three Big Macs and a sack of chicken nuggets.
Bob Costas and Brent Musburger will be required to take some time off — and then quit.
The BCS and NCAA will be ordered out of the country, where they can set up new dictatorships and monopolies in a banana republic of their choice. Maybe they can arrange something with the IOC.
While we're on the subject of sports, the Olympics will be returned to its roots – from now on, it's a track meet. All the picnic sports – bow and arrow shooting, badminton, jumping on a trampoline, riding horses and dirt bikes, rowing kayaks and canoes, bikini volleyball -- are outta here.
Stupidity will be outlawed. This should cover a variety of problems, including Congress, home-made TV commercials, beer commercials, most commercials, teenage drivers, school boards (including, but not limited to, the Canyons), Kanye West, most reality TV contestants, and whoever is in charge of road construction around here.
Unlimited soda pop for everyone! Michael Bloomberg, the mayor and wannabe mother of New York, pushed through a law in New York that prohibits restaurants, arenas, movie theaters and food carts from selling sugary drinks in sizes larger than 16 oz. That's just un-American. If you want to rot your teeth, supersize your waistline and otherwise destroy your health, it's your right to do so, not mother Bloomberg's. I'm pretty sure the Founding Fathers sipped gallon-sized Cokes while working on the Constitution.
No more ED commercials – because we're tired of explaining it to 6-year-olds. You know the commercials I'm talking about. A manly middle-aged man takes some ED medicine so he can be ready when the moment is right to pull his truck out of the mud. Or something like that.
The University of Utah must play BYU and Utah State every football season or the Legislature withholds state funding. Why? Because the tax-paying public demands it, and so would U. fans if the situation were reversed.
A 16-team playoff for college football would be immediately implemented (this alone should get me elected), starting the week after the season ends and finishing with the championship on New Year's Day.
Golfers, triathletes and ultra-marathoners can talk about their sports at parties, but a play-by-play recount is limited to 200 words or less.
People who take up two spaces to park their Beamer/Benz/Hummer will be sentenced to a root canal, a colonoscopy and an IRS audit – all at the same time. Same goes for those who text and drive, drink and drive and throw cigarette butts out the window.
Anyone posting a snotty comment on the Internet must include real name, photo, phone number, address, and mother's name and email address.
This will be a law: Anyone who doesn't wash his/her hands before exiting public restrooms will be hosed down like a zoo animal.
Talking on Bluetooth in public places will be limited to whoever has his finger on the nuclear launch buttons.
All TSA workers must go through the line and do the whole strip-and-pat-down routine twice a day, with their families.
No Christmas music, advertising or lights before Dec. 1.