Number of men caring for loved ones with Alzheimer's or dementia more than doubled in last 15 years

By Vikki Ortiz Healy

Chicago Tribune (MCT)

Published: Tuesday, Feb. 28 2012 4:00 p.m. MST

Dr. Herbert Lerner lovingly kisses his wife Dr. Ruth Lerner's hand, while she rests in her bed at his son's Berwyn, Illinois home, February 8, 2012. Both are now 88 years of age. Ruth Lerner is bed-ridden and cannot communicate or recognize her husband. (Antonio Perez/Chicago Tribune/MCT)

Antonio Perez, Mct

CHICAGO — Doug Wyman got up early Tuesday to make breakfast for his wife, Barbara: coffee, oatmeal and fresh fruit. He drew a bath and helped her get dressed, then sat with her through her favorite morning TV shows.

Not because it was Valentine's Day. Because of love.

After 63 years of marriage, the couple developed their routine when Alzheimer's disease left Barbara unable to do things herself. But it's a routine that Doug Wyman — like a growing number of men who have assumed the role of caregiver in recent years — embraces proudly.

"She took care of me for 60-something years," said Wyman, 84, of Oak Park, Ill. "It's absolutely a pleasure to serve her now."

In the last 15 years, the number of men caring for loved ones with Alzheimer's or dementia has more than doubled, from 19 to 40 percent, according to the Alzheimer's Association. The trend mirrors the higher number of women over the age of 65 in the U.S. with the disease — 3.4 million compared to 1.8 million men. Those demographics have changed the tone of local support group meetings by adding a chorus of male perspectives.

It has also prompted an outpouring of new books, organizations and online resources for men learning how to be nurturers.

Experts attribute the increase in male caregivers to several societal changes, including evolving gender expectations as well as new life expectancy rates.

"Men say, 'this is hard. It's challenging, I didn't realize we would ever be at this point, but I'm not giving up,'" said Edrena Harrison, a social worker and specialist for the National Caregiving Center, part of the Family Caregiver Alliance in San Francisco.

The sentiment is shared by some husbands, who find themselves making spaghetti, separating laundry and coordinating doctor's appointments for the first time as senior citizens. For these men, assuming their new role was never a question.

Bob and Pat Quas met on Rush Street in Chicago. He was sitting at a bar when Patti, a gorgeous blond out celebrating her girlfriend's birthday, walked over to order drinks. They struck up a conversation that continued on to an ice cream parlor, and then to the front seat of his 1965 Dodge Dart parked in a friend's driveway until dawn.

"We just gelled. We were birds of a feather — we got along and hit it off well," recalled Bob Quas, 62. "From that point on, we just built a relationship."

The couple married a year later in 1970, had two children and built a career working side by side in his custom cabinetry business. She prepared delicious dinners — with her signature homemade baked goods for dessert.

Decades later, their son and daughter grown, the couple retired. Patti began exhibiting strange behavior in their longtime Elmwood Park, Ill., home. Once, she served tacos with raw meat straight out of the package. Another time, she poured cake batter into a plastic container and placed it in the oven. Her husband smelled it burning and ran in to clean it up, he said.

In 2010, doctors diagnosed Patti with frontotemporal dementia. She is now unable to drive, perform simple household tasks or follow and participate in conversations.

Since then, Bob Quas has sharpened his cooking skills, learning to make pork chops, steam vegetables and bake sweet potatoes. He took over the household duties and has grown used to guiding Patti through conversations with friends and family. He also joined a support group for caregivers of those with dementia to learn how to cope with and handle the new lifestyle.

He fears the day when she needs more help than he can provide, and he will be forced to turn to Medicaid and other government assistance programs.

But for now, he said, he does what he can for his wife.

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