C. Jane Kendrick: A plan to save Twinkies from bankruptcy
Paul Sakuma, file, Associated Press
Wow. For a moment there I thought the end of the world was here.
Hostess? You heard? Filed for Chapter 11 protection in U.S. Bankruptcy Court recently?
My high school science teacher told me that some of the delicious semi-digestible items from the Hostess counter will last forever. Forever. Never expire, never mold, never go bad. Forever.
I suppose that's about right. I mean, what is the biodegradable timetable of an oblong piece of Styrofoam infused with glue?
But anyway, when my science teacher explained this to me I began to think about the end of the world. I hypothesized (you like how I used that word here, High School Science Teacher?) that if the apocalypse were to happen and all agriculture was at risk of radiation and the food supply was obliterated, a food storage consisting of Twinkies would be a really smart idea.
(And, now that I think about it, this is a sly marketing plan to get Hostess back up and running. Hostess: We'll Feed You Through the Millennium!)
Except around here, we prefer Chocodiles. The Chocodile is the Twinkie's super tanned cousin. Or in other words, an oblong piece of Styrofoam infused with glue and dipped in chocolate-flavored wax. Or in other words, eternal deliciousness.
My brother Matt used to buy them by the boxfull. My friend Judy stockpiles them from the local discount Hostess store. My husband asked for them on his birthday cake which my creative friend Carina assembled overnight. It was a Chocodile Charlotte with the Chocodiles acting as Lady Fingers hugging a creamy custard middle. It didn't take the scientific method to discover that this dessert was the greatest thing I've eaten in my gastronomical career.
But now I am reading that Hostess is saying it will continue to make its immortal baked goods regardless of the financial situation of the company. This is a relief, because I cannot imagine a world without Chocodiles. No, I can. It looks like "The Road."
This is great for humanity because the only way Twinkies will ever expire is if they are all consumed by starving survivors until no more exist on this planet. And that would only happen if Hostess stopped making them, forcing a limited supply. Which means if Hostess went out of business, it would be a sign that the end of the world was near. Do you see how I just deduced that whole argument?
Well anyway, I just checked Snopes.com and they're telling me the whole "indefinite shelf life of a Twinkie" is a farce. In fact, it explains that Twinkies only have a shelf life of 25 days. This is not good news for high school science teachers everywhere.
But it is good news for Hostess because I just came up with a second marketing scheme to save the company: Hostess: Now Serving Dehydrated Twinkies To Last You Through the Millennium!
Just add water? Anyone?
C. Jane Kendrick writes for cjanerun.com, is on facebook as C.Jane Kendrick and tweets as CJaneKendrick. She lives in Provo with her husband and two children.
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