I read a tweet last week that said the winner of the New Hampshire primary was Mormonism. It based this on the fact that 50 percent of New Hampshirians (New Hampshirites? New Hampshiries? New Hampenstance?) picked a Mormon for their next president.
Well, isn't that interesting?
Of course, being a Mormon, I think everybody should vote for a Mormon. We're practical! We look good in suits! We're raised to run meetings! And like Romney and the recently withdrawn Huntsman have displayed on debate night, we're incredibly attractive. Where some critics say our Mormon faith might be a stumbling block to winning the presidency, I think it actually has an unfair advantage.
In fact, I like to daydream about what it would look like if all the candidates were Mormon and we were all in the same ward together. I suppose it would look something like this:
Brother Gingrich serves as a great high priest group leader. His grouchy demeanor fools no one; we love him for his stern sermons in church and his willingness to play Santa at the ward Christmas party (shh, it's a secret!). His endearing knowledge of doctrine and rightness of policy wins him over as the ward know-it-all. Even the bishop accepts his earnest advice during ward council. And in the end, behind his back we call him Brother Cuddly Wuddly Teddy Bear.
Brother Paul gives quite the Sunday School lesson. His convictions run deep and, sure, his lessons might run a little long. But you wouldn't want to miss one, because he is willing to delve into doctrine you've never heard of before or suggest ideas only fit for the insane. You can't help but be entertained. Sometimes the entire hour of study drifts far right of the manual (how does libertarianism work with commandments, again?), but you can't help but slap him on his little back after the second-hour block whistle blows. Cute Brother Paul — a little crazy, but cute.
Go get 'em, Brother Perry! The best Young Men president we ever had! Hunting, fishing and sitting around the campfire doing the third thing I can't remember. (Is that joke old? Please say no.) What young man wouldn't want to grow up to be just like Brother Perry? Good looking and fearless. If there is virtue in being a good ol' boy, then who wouldn't want it? It's a Brother Perry life for me!
I know Sister Bachman slipped out early, but we sure loved her organization in the Relief Society. She taught us to follow our hearts and our husbands. And we all took her Tuesday night class on tax preparation, and now we're giddy for the tax prep extravaganza on April 14th. Please join us.
How about Brother Santorum? Bishop's right-hand man! Served as a diligent AP on his mission (how did we know?) and came home to the arms of an elders quorum presidency calling in his student ward. When the president fell in love with a gal from apartment No. 204 and got hitched, guess who became President Santorum? From there it was stake men's basketball chair, stake men's softball chair and stake men's sweater vest chair. What is next for Brother Santorum? We'll be excited to watch!
Brother Cain showed he could sing on Barbara Walters' special, and we'd like to thank him for directing the music. We'll miss his deep baritone lighting the chorus of "My Country 'Tis of Thee." Now that he's gone we've moved ward choir practice times from 9, 9 and 9 to 12, 1 and 3.
Well, that wraps up my introduction of the GOP 8th ward. I suppose if my daydreams were true and all the GOP candidates were Mormon, we'd all learn to love each other despite our various political landscapes.
See you in the primary. No, the other primary.
C. Jane Kendrick writes for cjanerun.com, is on facebook as C.Jane Kendrick and tweets as CJaneKendrick. She lives in Provo with her husband, three children and no cats. She'd like a dog though.