Traveling with kids is a trip

I write today from seat 26E.

As I write, my 1-year-old daughter forages for Goldfish cracker remnants crushed into the carpet of the airplane. My 4-year-old daughter stares glassy-eyed at the Droid, playing her millionth game of the last four hours. At least she’s not kicking the seats in front of us anymore.

My husband pretends like he doesn’t notice that the kid on the floor just stuck something that was definitely not a Goldfish in her mouth. If she’s not turning blue, she’s OK.

We are on the way home from a three-week goodwill tour of grandparents and in-laws throughout the Western United States. It has been a fun-filled, family-packed trip, but I’m ready to be home in my own house with my own bed and my own routine.

Somehow we are going home with two more bags than we brought, completely disrupted sleep schedules and a camera filled with photos of swimming, horseback riding and grandparents. All in all, a good trip.

But this trip also reminded me of several of the laws of travel. Try as you might, you can’t escape these immutable laws.

1. Someone will get sick — In addition to the inevitable Triptheria (the disease that always strikes the night before a big trip), at least one child will contract something while on your vacation.

So when you are staring in the medicine cabinet while packing for your trip and wondering whether to bring the Tylenol, just bring it. Bring the Benedryl, too. Bring the Orajel. You will need it.

2. Relatives will spoil your children — Grandparents have an uncanny ability to swiftly undo four years of parenting and discipline. It’s their job.

After three weeks of candy and compliments, our 4-year-old daughter thinks she is pretty hot stuff. Not only that, she thinks she should be rewarded with sweets and unconditional praise at every turn.

We’ll be spending the next week trying to detox our daughter, which basically boils down to a series of timeouts, a cold-turkey no-sugar diet and making my daughter repeat the phrase “I crave consistent boundaries.”

3. You will run out of underwear — Even if you packed 10 pairs, everyone in the family will be out of clean underwear by day two of your trip. This is just a phenomenon like the inexplicable pile of unmatched socks in your laundry room. The sooner you accept it, the happier you will be.