How do you parent young adults?

Somewhere I got the idea that if I could just get my kids through high school and off to college (mission/work/marriage), the worst of my parenting challenges would be over. I don’t know where this ridiculous notion came from.

As hard as it is to parent through 2-year-olds’ tantrums, junior high awkwardness or adolescence with an attitude, the biggest parenting challenges may yet lie ahead: helping young adults negotiate the perils of deciding to go on a mission, coming home from a mission, getting married, getting unmarried, having kids, not having kids, finding jobs, not finding jobs, moving across the country or living back under your roof. While you’re at it, throw in a few spiritual doubts, perhaps some gender identity confusion, addictions and their treatment, financial woes, child-care needs, weird in-laws, mental breakdowns or loneliness.

And here’s the clincher: Your actual control seems to diminish in direct proportion to the number and severity of their challenges. These are adults who have a right to mess up their lives, mess up their children, fail at love, get fired or ruin their credit ratings if they so choose. Just like you did.

In the face of all of that, how much do you say? How much do you help? How much do you ignore? How much do you smile and confidently say, “You’ll figure it out,” while you secretly second-guess yourself (and less secretly second-guess your spouse)?

Sometimes it is tempting to just give up. After all, they are the only ones who can operate that whole TV-satellite-DVR-game console thing. They outstrip us in energy and physical stamina. They seamlessly maneuver car seats and strollers that look like they were designed by NASA. They are often astoundingly capable, faithful, resilient, resourceful, loving, wise, kind-hearted and strong, just when we feel particularly lacking in many such traits. What do we have to offer them? Maybe we should move to the Bahamas and let them figure out health care reform.

Even though I rely on my kids to manage my Facebook account and update my smartphone, I also know they still need and deserve my help navigating the world. Theirs will probably be the first generation in U.S. history not to outstrip their parents economically. Research suggests that if they follow current trends of marrying later and having fewer children, they will actually have a harder time making career and educational choices and will be less likely to be satisfied with their choices.