Ask Dr. Elia: Toxic relationships can be hazardous to your health

Dear Dr. Elia,

I've been hearing the phrase "toxic relationships" quite a bit lately, and I'm wondering what does it really mean. How do I know if I have that kind of relationship in my life and, even more importantly, how how should I deal with those people?

Any thoughts on the subject would help, since my friends and I always talk about this subject, but we seem to disagree on a solution.

Sincerely,
Ann B.

 

Dear Ann,

Over the last 25 years I have witnessed and worked with many relationships that would definitely be categorized as toxic. As a comparison, let's see what a healthy relationship looks like: A relationship where you feel connected, fulfilled, listened to, energized, uplifted and loved would classify as very healthy. The more relationships we have where we feel this way, the happier our lives will be.

A toxic relationship is based on negativity, criticism, addiction,  and emotional and verbal abuse. Feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem are quite common if we're exposed long-term to someone who is toxic for us. Often it is someone who is significant in our lives: a spouse, parent, child, sibling, a colleague at work or a so called "friend."

These relationships are typically co-dependent, controlling, dysfunctional and destructive. The best way to know if you have such a relationship in your life is to ask the following questions: How do I consistently feel after I've had an interaction with this individual? Do I feel down on myself? Do I feel stressed, fearful and anxious? Do I feel drained of energy and void of good feelings? Do I feel resentful — and do I want to go and eat some chocolate?  

If the answer is "yes" to most of these feelings, then certainly you are involved in a toxic relationship. I'm not talking about getting into an argument with someone we love because those feelings will also likely come up, but if these negative feelings are the usual pattern we have in most of our interactions with that person, then it qualifies as a toxic relationship.