Make new traditions to overcome grief, loss during holidays

WALNUT CREEK, Calif. (MCT) — Everything changed when Hayward, Calif.'s Angela Rivera lost her 31-year-old son in a hit-and-run accident the morning after they celebrated her Aug. 1 birthday last year.

She stopped working. Her interests faded.

Three months after Diego Rivera's unexpected death, she had to face celebrating Thanksgiving when she wasn't feeling very thankful. And Christmas, she says, was just plain sad without Diego around. He used to bring presents and cards to everyone and brighten up the room with his smile.

"My mind was totally on my son and everything seemed not real," she says. "When I lost my son, I felt like I was half-dead. I felt like I was in a nightmare."

Part of the reason we celebrate the holidays is to spend time with our loved ones. But when a loved one dies — whether it be a tragic death like Diego's or an expected one — the holidays can be tough for those left behind.

"When someone dies, the possibility to have that Hallmark family holiday is lost," says Lee Ann Morgan, a marriage and family therapist and manager of Hospice of the East Bay's Center for Grief and Loss.

For example, a hospice client and her family celebrated holiday dinners together and her husband cooked the meals. When her husband died, the entire family was at a loss about how to celebrate without him. He was the center of their meal and celebration.

"Those left behind think that it will never be the same, and it won't," Morgan says.

Coping with the holidays when you're grieving takes time, work and permission to do what feels right for you, say experts.

Angela Rivera used to have Thanksgiving at a family member's house every year. But when Diego died, the family decided to celebrate Thanksgiving at Mimi's Cafe in San Leandro, Calif., instead.

"The atmosphere was good for us because of the music and the decorations," Rivera says.

Over Christmas, Rivera decided she wasn't going to put up her lights or decorations. She bought a few gifts, less than usual, and attended fewer holiday celebrations. She just didn't feel up to it.

Altering traditions is a good coping strategy, experts say. Morgan suggests changing plans and expectations when the holidays come up after a death — go to a restaurant or take a cruise rather than try to recreate the same holiday with an obviously missing piece of the puzzle.

DIFFERENT IS OK