How you settle fights can set tone of marriage

PROVO — Whether you verbally joust, quietly discuss or try to avoid contention altogether, there's no one right way for couples to deal with conflict.

However, there are better ways to resolve differences than others, according to a new study by two BYU professors.

Dean Busby and Thomas Holman, professors in the School of Family Life, evaluated nearly 2,000 couples in a "committed relationship" and discovered that while couples with different ways of handling conflict aren't necessarily in trouble, the wrong match can be a significant problem.

"Clearly, the more extreme mismatch you have, the harder it is for you to cope," said lead author Busby. "(But) there are clearly some couples who are making it over time. They're figuring out how to manage these mismatches ... and grow beyond this need for (their) partner to be like (them). They don't keep fighting over how to fight."

The study, in the Nov. 25 issue of the journal "Family Process," builds on the research of renowned relationship analyst John Gottman, who identified three healthy conflict styles.

An "avoidant" will try to minimize conflict in their relationship and avoid bringing up contentious issues.

A "volatile" will discuss things passionately and believes that differences should be dealt with out in the open.

In the middle, a "validating" will ensure that both sides are heard and promote a balanced, calm discussion.

A fourth, but unhealthy, style is the "hostile" approach and involves name-calling, personal attacks, sarcasm and failing to listen to the other person, Busby said.

"One (style) is not right and the other wrong. Except hostile," Busby said. "If you can keep telling yourself, 'I handle it differently than she does, or he does,' then you can begin to appreciate that there are different strengths and work toward a little more respect ... rather than moving into the hostile place."

However, a harmonious home doesn't always require two similarly matched people. In fact, the researchers discovered that a relationship with one validating individual was much more likely to be functional than the union of two volatiles or two avoidants. Matched validating is the most harmonious relationship, and volatile-avoidant was the least effective, aside from hostile.

A distressing find was that 24 percent of those surveyed labeled themselves or their partner as "hostile."

"That's just lethal," Busby said. "We were expecting less than that, because these are not people in a clinic, just your general population. My guess is that earlier on, they were mismatched and just pushed each other (too far)."