Big Macs changing shape of America

Know what I frequently tell members of the high school track team I coach at the conclusion of our post-season banquet?

"Congratulations, you are in the best shape you are ever going to be in during your entire life. It's all downhill from here. Now you can start getting fat and out of shape."

I like to prepare them for a lifetime of hypertension, heart disease and obesity.

But really I tell them this because I hope it motivates them.

I'm not optimistic about the results.

Did you see the latest ramifications of America's fatness? The military says 75 percent of Americans between the ages of 17 and 24 would not qualify for military service because they are physically unfit, or failed to finish high school or they have criminal records, or, if they're a big winner, all of the above.

We already know America is among the fattest nations in the world, with 74 percent of the population judged to be overweight. Our only rivals are the islands of the South Pacific. The next generation could make us a lock for No. 1 — in this solar system.

This could have dire consequences if we ever have to field an army for a full-scale war in the future and the only people we can put in (a size XXXX) uniform look like Drew Carey. We'll have to airdrop cheeseburgers and bottled oxygen to the front lines. Maybe the other side will let us call time out so we can catch our breath — or mount a charge via golf carts. Fore!

The only way we'd take a hill is if there's a Krispy Kreme franchise on top. We could storm the beach if somebody pointed out a Papa John's and a Cold Stone and handed out coupons.

In the new Army, MREs are going to give way to HMREs — Happy Meals Ready to Eat — super-sized, of course.

The dearth of potential soldiers is considered a national security threat, like terrorists. We have met the enemy, and it is Big Macs and soda pop and cell phones and the American lifestyle.

You know what's the matter with America's health? Everything. A perfect storm of events has transformed American bodies into tubs of goo and super-sized future generations.