Bryon Russell's feel-bads were hurt by Michael Jordan and he's yapping about doing a 1-on-1 rematch. In Orem. In Vegas. In … anywhere, as long as Dick Bavetta isn't the ref. The ex-Jazzman told Sports Illustrated it'd be "like a fight night but bigger." Fun. We want in on the saving-face showdown. Let's get ready to rrrrredo Jazz history. Here's what a five-fight event could look like:

The main event: B-Rusty vs. AARP Jordan

Considering Russell is almost 39 and the noticeably, um, softer Jordan is 46, slo-mo replays won't be necessary for this "Battle of the Aged." But so what if together they're older than the entire Jazz roster? It'd at least be as entertaining as watching Elvis impersonators, some charity will benefit and Jordan will figure a way to reap millions. Only rules: No pushing off and first to 21 wins redemption, repeat satisfaction and/or renewed relevancy. Bonus: First to 23 gets his jersey number retired by NBA.

Heavyweights: Tag's eyewear vs. Shaq's hand

Shaquille O'Neal won the first round in '97, when he answered the age-old question: If a 7-foot-2 tree falls in the Forum after getting whacked in the face by a Diesel, will anybody hear it? The real loser of the Shaq smack was Ostertag's knocked out contact lense. It deserves a rematch. And if O'Neal can't show up, we'll certainly consider another always-entertaining Ostertag-Sloan dual.

'Dream' bout: The Whopper vs. The Walker

Recall when Hakeem Olajuwon sucker-punched Billy Paultz in '85 (not the only time the Dream hurt Utah). Hot Rod Hundley says Paultz looked "like Muhammad Ali hit him with a roundhouse hook." Utah won that series, but we'll offer this in case The Whopper wants to settle the score. His chances will increase if he's looking this time — and assuming he didn't get his great nickname for frequenting Burger King or snarfing chocolatey malted milk balls.

Mulligan match: Mailman vs. Pippen's mouth

Jazz fans might request many Karl Malone free-throw second chances. The '97 Finals hurt most. The Mailman couldn't deliver after Scottie Pippen delivered some historic trash-talk. With Game 1 tied, Pippen reminded Malone at the line, "The Mailman doesn't deliver on a Sunday." Malone missed twice. MJ didn't miss his J. Bulls win. Let Malone try again and see how the series turns out.

Fans' choice: Pick a disappointment do-over

Letting MJ win from his deathbed. Game 7 of '96 WC Finals (Final: 90-86 for Seattle. Malone at FT line: 6-for-12). Games 4, 5 and 7 vs. Lakers in '88 WC Finals (only needed one to beat Magic). Torrey Ellis incident. Not putting a no-Lakers clause in Derek Fisher's get-out-of-Utah deal. Houston in non-MJ playoffs in '94 and '95 (Benoit for 3!?). Portland second-round nightmare in '99. Andrei Kirilenko from 28 feet out and 20 seconds left on shot clock. Watching Dirk Nowitzki score 29 in the fourth quarter. The Kings' 19-0 run.

e-mail: jody@desnews.com