Ex-Etiquette: How do I keep my daughter and boyfriend from fighting?

Q: My daughter is an energetic 11-year-old. At times does things she shouldn't, but she's just a kid. I find myself defending her to my boyfriend all of the time, and then trying to explain his actions to her when he's not around. They used to hug each other at night before she went to bed and did thoughtful things for each other, but once he moved in it went downhill. How can I get them to start over and respect each other's differences?

A: You have succinctly summarized the dilemma many couples face when one has children and their partner does not. Here's what happens: Parents pick and choose their fights with their children. They inherently understand that kids are kids and you can't call a kid on every little thing he or she does wrong. This doesn't make them bad parents. It makes them normal, or possibly tired after a hard day.

Bonusparents who have never had children often see this as inconsistent parenting. Motivated by their love for their new family, they try to save everyone from themselves. But once they see their efforts rejected, they become angry, resentful, and feel unappreciated. When the bonusparent disciplines the child for something his or her own parent does not feel is a big deal, they're in danger of hearing — Bonusparents everywhere, say it with us — "You're not my mother!" Or, "You're not my father!"

Either way, it has the same sting and a sure sign the parent figures in the house are not on the same page. You need to get out of the middle. When you try to mediate the issues you only make the problem worse. As long as they are not punching it out, let them work through this on their own. It may get worse before it gets better, but they have to figure out their own boundaries with each other. It's the only way they will develop mutual respect. If, after some time, they haven't resolved their things, we recommend finding a counselor who specializes in bonusfamily adjustment.

Check out www.bonusfamilies.com for other articles on this subject. Keyword: communication.

Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at eebonusfamilies.com.

Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.