Flu scare has us all a bit on edge

Published: Monday, Nov. 2, 2009 11:03 p.m. MST
 |  E-MAIL | PRINT | FONT + - 

I don't know how to tell you this, but if we meet somewhere, let's agree not to shake hands.

Just bow or give me a nod or the Vulcan sign or whatever and keep on moving. Maybe we can do an air high-five on the run.

Don't even think about coming in for one of those manly hand-shake-and-half-hug combos that have become the rage.

No offense. It's not that I don't like you — unless you're that guy who gave me the half-peace sign on the freeway last week — but I don't like your germs.

The HIN1 — the germ formerly known as "flu" — has made a lot of people germaphobes. Moi, for instance.

Give me another week, and I'll turn into Howard Hughes. I'll be carrying tissues in my hand to open doors and locking myself in hotel rooms for a year. I'm already flushing public toilets with my foot, and I open restroom doors like a cop making a drug bust — I kick open the door and run through the opening like Usain Bolt.

On the list of things I try to avoid, the flu ranks at the top, way ahead of reality shows and door-to-door salesmen. Frankly, if we can get right to the nitty gritty here, I would rather have all 10 toenails ripped off with a pair of pliers than barf.

Story continues below

I take no chances these days. If someone in the room sneezes or coughs, I treat them like a ticking bomb — I hold my breath and back away slowly.

The symptoms of swine flu are fever, cough, runny nose, body aches, headaches, sore throat, chills and fatigue, vomiting and diarrhea.

Sounds fun, doesn't it?

So no thanks to hand shakes. Remember the study that was done a few years ago that revealed 25 percent of men and 10 percent of women don't bother washing up after doing their business in public restrooms? Their hands were bacteria colonies. And this was before the pig flu showed up.

I propose that we end the great American tradition of the handshake. I happened to mention this to a woman named Lynne VanKomen, a patient service rep in a doctor's office in Sandy. "Funny you should say that," she said, and then explained that there is an LDS Church stake in Salt Lake Valley that has banned the shaking of hands in foyers and chapels for the next six months.

"They told them to bump elbows instead," Lynne said.

Why didn't I think of that?

At the office where Lynne works, there is a sign on the front door asking people with flu symptoms to wear a mask and sanitize their hands before they touch the doorknob.

That doesn't go far enough. Why not just hose them down in the doorway?

Recent comments

Great column, Doug. Nice to couch this whole situation in a little...

Cure for Flu Paranoia | Nov. 4, 2009 at 8:46 a.m.

The sooner you get it, the sooner you get over it. When are the...

What hysteria. | Nov. 3, 2009 at 9:36 a.m.

previousnext

Latest comments

I find it interesting that many of the same people who say that we can't...

Cougs begin bowl preparations

None of these teams is going to be easy. They all have fine football...

Max Hall issues apology

Max, no apology was necessary, but the apology was polically correct. If...

Very good piece of writing, Amy. You summarized what many of us have been...

U. eyes bowl for redemption

How is a top 25 finish make Utah a top twenty team? I think what the poster...

Max Hall issues apology

90% of the BYU & Utah fans have class, and Hall knows it. If you don't...

This might be my favorite article I've ever read from the Deseret News. Kudos.

Y. student vanished in China

Thank you for not giving up and don't give up now brother and sister...

Child prostitutes don't get help

Dr. Lois Lee's work with children who are victims of child sexual...

Look at the preview for Pixar's "Up". The whole move is summarized in...

Advertisements