Ex-Etiquette: My kids' new bonus mom hates Halloween

Q: Halloween is coming and my kids love to trick-or-treat, but my ex has just remarried and converted to a very conservative Christian religion that feels Halloween is the devil's day. Although the kids are with me that weekend, their new bonusmom is putting a lot of pressure on them to hate the holiday. How can I handle it?

A: We hope that the choice to worship a particular faith is discussed between couples well in advance of having children, but few know how to approach the subject if a parent changes their choice. In terms of good ex-etiquette, Rule No. 2 is "Biological parents make the rules, bonusparents uphold them." This means that if the biological parents made an agreement to raise a child in a particular faith — or no faith at all — that's the agreement that should be honored if both parents cannot agree when one changes his or her mind. This means the way to impact your child if his or her other parent doesn't agree with your new faith is that they learn of your devotion by your acts and deeds. They see you worship in your fashion. They watch you live the life you have chosen and see your happiness in that choice. It's not about dictating it to the other parent, but in setting an example they choose to follow or not.

Halloween is a difficult day for some. While many Christian religions attribute no negative significance to Halloween, treating it as a purely secular holiday, others do feel it has evil undertones. Jann has a story of taking her 2-year-old trick-or-treating and a neighbor opening the door wearing Dracula teeth that scared her baby so badly that her child still remembers it in her teen years. So, we do understand the concern over Halloween. However, how you celebrate any holiday with your child is based on the agreement you had when the child was born. Unless both parents agree to make a change, rule No. 9 of ex-etiquette is a good guide: Respect each other's turf. That includes bonusparents.

(Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at eebonusfamilies.com.)

(c) 2009, Contra Costa Times (Walnut Creek, Calif.).