PROVO — All the talk about fat thighs, pudgy stomachs and flabby arms needs to stop.

Eliminating body-hatred conversations was one of the biggest steps Jenni Schaefer took to conquer her eating disorder.

"I had to have patience," she said. "I had to give myself time to fully recover in my head … so I could accept my body, and then move from accepting it to liking it, then move from liking it to loving it."

Speaking recently at Brigham Young University, the internationally renowned author, speaker and an ambassador for the National Eating Disorders Association encouraged other women and men to avoid those types of damaging conversations, which Schaefer said are far too prevalent.

"We live in America," she said. "We can't turn on the TV or radio without hearing something about how (we) need to lose weight."

But there are mixed messages, she says. Like that magazine that helps readers lose 10 pounds in two weeks, then includes recipes for the "best chocolate cake ever."

"Eat, eat, eat the chocolate cake, but don't look like you eat it," Schaefer said of the implied message. "No wonder so many of us struggle with eating issues."

After 10 years of therapy for her eating disorder, Schaefer is confident when she talks about her full recovery. She is no longer dating "Ed," the acronym for and personification of her eating disorder.

Even though she no longer talks with her own Ed, she can still hear societal Ed, ranting on with his warped logic and damaging rhetoric.

"Everyone in this room has heard Ed at some point in their life, because you live in America," she said. "It's the culture that tells us we're not the right size."

That mindset is especially prevalent at BYU, said senior Elizabeth Sieber.

"It's a dating scene," Sieber said. "Everyone wants to be beautiful."

Sieber said she and her roommates frequently have "who-is-fatter-than-who" conversations, but Schaefer's talk encouraged her to say something about them.

After Schaefer learned to love her body, she had to stop labeling foods good or bad, but simply eat them intuitively and in balance.

During that process, comments from family members to "just eat" were not helpful, she said, even though she finally had to buckle down and do just that.

"Now I can go to McDonald's and eat a burger and not feel guilty," she said. "It's a shame to have to go through an eating disorder to learn how to be healthy with food."

For Schaefer, perfectionism and her eating disorder went hand in hand, like good cop, bad cop, she explained.

When she fell short of perfection, Ed would step in and offer her food, or the lack thereof, as consolation.

Only by learning to let go, relax and have fun was she able to fully recover.

"Some people say, 'Once you have (an eating disorder) you have it for life, like alcoholism,' " Schaefer said. "I completely disagree with that. My main message is that people really do recover from eating disorders to live healthy, happy, normal lives."

e-mail: sisraelsen@desnews.com