I pledge … quite the opposite

So, have you watched the infamous "I Pledge" video that was made by President Barack Obama's coterie of elite celebrity/servants (their word, not mine)?

This is the video in which various athletes, actors and musicians make pledges and urge you to fall in line. Picture dozens of Rocky Andersons with a camcorder and a few hours to kill, and you can imagine the rest from there.

This is one of the videos that upset a lot of parents because it was shown to schoolchildren. You can decide if they had cause.

One by one, or two by two, the celebs appear on camera and make their pledges. I PLEDGE ...

... to stop drinking water out of plastic bottles (didn't they help make this trendy in the first place?), to plant 500 trees this year (better quit your day job), to support stem-cell research (they sneaked that one in there and hoped no one would notice), not to give people the finger on the freeway, to smile more, to stop using plastic bags at the store, to turn off the lights, "to sell my obnoxious car and buy a hybrid," to drive slower, to stress the importance of arts education (so we can make more Rocky movies), to end slavery (didn't Lincoln do that already?), "to consider myself an American, not an African-American," "to be more green."

At one point Jenna Elfman says, "I pledge to find the humor in everything." I certainly found that useful advice when Jason Bateman, the former star of "Arrested Development," said this:

"For the environment, I pledge to flush only after a deuce, never after a single."

I replayed it four times to be certain I heard it right. Apparently, we're supposed to let the singles (No. 1) ferment until other members of the household have contributed to the stew, as it were, before we flush.

I pledge to stock up on air freshener.

I believe Bateman stole his line from Sheryl Crow, who once urged us to use only one square per trip to the toilet. Sheesh, celebs and their toilets … talk about arrested development.

No wonder parents were upset. Who wants a bunch of kids NOT flushing?

Well, the stars offered a number of worthy goals mixed in with their predictable political agenda, but then things got creepy, if not downright disturbing, near the end of the video.

Rocker Anthony Keidis leads off the creepiness by announcing the following while kissing his tattooed biceps: "I pledge to be of service to Barack (kiss) Obama (kiss)."

Then Mrs. Demi Moore Kutcher strikes her best Patrick Henry pose as she looks intently into the camera and declares to us, "I pledge to be a servant to our president."

OK, the reply to that remark is so obvious that even Hollywood actresses with an ax to grind should know better. It's so obvious I shouldn't even have to write it. But I will anyway before Moore actually asks us to bow to the throne.