After recent taste of success, slump is hard to swallow

I know a lot of people come to this weight-loss column in hopes of reading about my latest successes at the scale, or maybe they stop by looking for a bit of inspiration or insight.

Perhaps they just want to laugh at and/or with this loser (both of pounds and of mental faculties).

Heck, there might even be a few who come in anticipation of that glorious day when Mr. Losing It! finally reaches his goal weight.

Today, sorry to report, is not that day.

Truth be told, I am struggling.

Make that struggling with a capital UGG!

As in, I am str-UGG!-ling.

People in my triathlon club have sent out distress signals for me. My bike has been disassembled in my garage for weeks. My running shoes have been idle for nearly a month. My swimming suit has been as dry as the Sahara since I returned from Lake Powell almost two weeks ago.

Ice cream cartons — and the contents therein — and chocolate chip cookies have been not-so-mysteriously disappearing from my house at an alarming rate.

So many pounds are flocking back to my body, you'd think I was having a reunion for fat cells and friends.

The 190s and low-200s sent me a "Thanks for visiting, come again soon!" postcard.

I even went out of town a couple of weeks ago just to get out of writing this column. (OK, that's not really what happened, but it was a convenient excuse for taking a break.)

I'd tell you the top-secret classified info about how much weight I've gained since bragging about getting under the 200-pound mark last spring, but then I'd have to kill you.

And after that, I'd then have to eat everything in your fridge and pantry, too.

On second thought, I might do that anyway (not the killing part).

In reality, all of my gains — and by that I mean losses of pounds and fat, of course — for 2009 have been, for the lack of a better word, eaten up this year by my insatiable appetite.

And it happened fast. Very fast — as in, Kirstie-Alley-I-feel-your-expedited-expansion-pain fast. Since hitting the lowest weight I've been at in 20 years in April, I've averaged about a five-pound weight gain per month. Most of that has plopped on my frame just the past few weeks.