"Rather than just sort of saying 'I have biblical grounds. You're out of here,' a more thoughtful reflection would place that in a larger context of grace and community of redemption and restoration whenever possible," Furrow said.

But that's not easy in the aftermath of such a devastating betrayal when a roller coaster of emotions influences every decision large and small. Pastors are often at a loss when a person for whom they have great concern has made a moral lapse against another person whose world view have been shattered by that lapse. "The pastor is caught in between," Furrow said. "They're often times first responders in times of moral crisis. ... The kind of training that a pastor has for dealing with the impact and the revelation of an extramarital affair is wanting ... For someone not trained to deal with the intensity of that emotion, that's one of the challenges." James Quandt, a licensed clinical social worker and evangelical Christian with a practice in Oak Park, said that intense pain often gets in the way of reconciliation. He lets his clients set the agenda. When both the husband and wife want to make up, Quandt said he tries to help them tap their capacity to forgive.

"When clients want to work toward reconciliation, then I as a Christian counselor can try to help them with that," he said.

"It's a huge betrayal when there is infidelity. The pain must be indescribable. ... There's no formula. There's no timetable."

But Rev. Bob Rohrich, a Vincentian priest and marriage counselor at Sacred Heart parish in Palos Hills, Ill., said he does set a timetable and insists that couples never bring up the infidelity again.

"I usually demand there's a given time when you have to put it behind you," said Rohrich, who has six or seven clients currently coping with infidelity. Within six to nine months, all is usually forgiven, he said, and in a majority of the cases the marriage is stronger in the end.

(c) 2009, Chicago Tribune.