The Sharing Place helps kids, teens grieve

Many adults don't understand or deal with grief all that well. In kids, it was largely ignored until the late 1980s.

But through her work at The Sharing Place, Stephanie Steele knows this about the grief of children: it is real; it is individual — expressed and dealt with in myriad ways; it usually doesn't "just go away."

Time helps heal many wounds, she says, "but children and teens often need more than time to adjust to life after the death of a loved one." What they need, she says, "is a safe environment to explore and understand their feelings, and they need guidance throughout the grieving process."

That's what The Sharing Place is all about.

Founded 16 years ago by Chris Chytraus, a young widow with two children, and Nancy Reiser, a child therapist, it began with a handful of children who had lost a parent or sibling. They found common ground in their shared grief and comfort in not being alone.

"Chris had heard about a program in Portland and modeled it after that," says Steele, who has served as executive director of The Sharing Place for the past four years. "Up until that time, grief in children had not really been recognized."

They started with one small group in an office. The next year, they obtained a house on 3300 South. They now run 15 groups for children and young adults ages 31/2 to 26. Parents or guardians usually come, too.

With a small staff of group coordinators and more than 100 well-trained volunteers, they offer help and hope to those who are suffering. "Every obituary has a 'survived by' line," Steele says. "Those are the people we help."

When it comes to grief, there are no "shoulds," she says. Everyone's on their own timetable. "Some people call us three weeks after the funeral; some a year-and-a-half later."

When they do call, they come in for an individual meeting. "They tell their story. We find out how they were doing before, how things are now, and determine which group will best meet their needs," she says. Currently, there are a couple of groups for preschoolers — "the 'littles,' we call them" — and eight school-age groups. There's a special group for survivors of a suicide; two early teen groups; and several "complicated grief" groups. Those, Steele says, are often for families where more than one person died, or where there are problems with custody, insurance, "kinship wars" or other special circumstances.

Currently, she says, they are running at capacity, and there is a waiting list to join most groups. "That's not a good thing for those who are waiting, but once they get in the group, they appreciate it. Because once they are in, they can keep coming as long as they want."