Principle of agency turns 'I should' into 'I choose'

We should do a lot of things. In spite of the sincerity of the intent and nobility of the cause, "shoulds" don't always happen. Maybe one of the problems is there are just too many "shoulds." That is not to say we should be bad or children should disobey. It is just that if our lives are only built on a foundation of "I shoulds," we are missing out on a whole lot of "I chooses."

Agency is a law of nature. In many faiths it is also a code of the divine. Agency is particularly prominent in the science of complexity. Rocks fall down a mountainside, following the law of gravity. That is not too complex. There is no choice. Planes fill up the sky, defying gravity but obeying agency. That is more complex. There is choice. Humans do the seemingly impossible because we choose to do it. The ultimate may be the power to give up even agency on behalf of another or a cause, but until we reach that exalted state of ultimate independence, we may watch out for the surfeit of shoulds we impose on ourselves and others.

Shoulds, if employed wrong, can be like a Damocles sword handing over us. They can be the pending, the coming dread, the must-do's, the "I have tas." In our effort to teach what is right, often we impose a list of "shoulds" to our children. You should clean your room; you should wash your hands; you should do your homework; you should be nice; you should obey. If agency were emphasized, then it would become: I choose to be clean, I choose to do my homework; I choose to be nice, and I obey with my strengthened will because I am empowered to do it.

The challenge then is to teach the "shoulds" as "I chooses." It is not easy, but it starts with a child. A child learns to wash his or her hands from watching a parent rub his or her fingers in the soap and water. They do it together. Then the parent steps back but, still at the child's side, lets the child wash his or her hands alone. Part of this activity is to teach not only how to wash but the whys and the whens to washing. These are the foundations of informed decisions. But doing it with the child is the fundamental method of promoting the right thing to do with support to choose. The "when" and "who" and "why" and "what if you don't" give context to the washing beyond the soap-and-water mechanics. Learning requires practice, reinforcement and encouragement for the brain cells to make memory. The challenge is to teach the shoulds and the power of choice together. Choosing empowers one to do the hard stuff and provides the strength that defeats the anticipation of beginning or pressure of succeeding or the pain of failure. Choosing to do good creates the state of being good.